hidden agenda

2009-09-25T21:40:00.002+08:00

twilight saga.

i am hopelessly addicted to the whole twilight series. unlike others before me, it took me quite some time to understand the excitement of young teenagers who scurry for the whole series just to get satisfy their craving for edward cullen. in my case, im craving for jacob black.

it sounds insane really. the last time i've ever got hooked onto any series for a good matter of time was charmed. mum and us watched the whole series on telly, season 6 onwards and whilst im not a very good collector of books, i do have some of the charmed series, rotting away on the bookshelves. i was 14 then when the fantasy started for me.

im 19 now, and nothing has changed. mum loved edward cullen the first time she set eyes on him. we rented the dvd to watch overnight though we were all reluctant to return it the very next day. the second in series, new moon is due to come out in the theatres on 20/11/09 and i've done my homework watching the trailers that are due to come out. mum got all the 4 books in the series, and i've recently just started on the second one. did i mention i got charmaine to sigh at the sight of jacob black's tight built? HAHA hilarious and her boyfriend's stick material.

well guys can think of sex every 52 seconds, well we girls can dream of it almost as good a timing as you guys.

2009-07-27T22:57:00.002+08:00

saturday 25th july,
part a- hilary's boat harbour and icecream!

awesome day out especially when you havent seen sun in a week. i guess you cant expect much out of winter, the rains come with it and so does the cold winds. as i had my day off from work, i took a 2 hour drive with rima, my ex-driving instructor (i've passed my driving assessment rmb? ) to hilary's boat harbour. boy, have i not been up north in ages!

i'm not sure how mum's reaction would be if i told her i had a $100 lesson because i wanted to drive out and not around thornlie area- i reckon it wont be good. i doubt no one can get away with 15-min driving around your area for a 25hour clock-in period. mum doesnt really drive around much and when she does, it's only to the nearby shops for groceries which ideally means i dont get enough experience on the roads! if i were to clock my required 25hour for my logbook- then i'll rather spend $1250 on driving lessons, but then again, it's easier done than said (that's if i had the lessons behind mum's back:D)

anyway, hilary's boat harbour was beautiful. no wonder they called it the 'rich man's hideaway'- as the name suggests, it's a place where boats are docked at the harbour and not just any kind of boats, yatchs (is that how you spell it bahh) if i were to plan a second trip there, it'll be for the icecream and the half priced bikinis and bathing suits! while we were there, we took a 20min tour around the harbour and rima treated me to a gorgeous cookies and cream icecream, gorgeous because even gelare doesnt even smash your icecream up with your choice of selected topping of which, i had to go with snickers;D who else would you have gone for? m n' ms were a good choice too:D

part b- tara's 20th birthday drinks @ carnegies till late night

great night out other than the fact i had to take public transport in the cold- grrr i cant wait to get my license. since my last booze, i cant rmb how much i could drink to be even sane enough to take the train and bus home so i only had one, 'better be safe!' haha ! it's tough always to open up to others whenever you're the only hot asian in the group:D then again, i didnt know anyone else there. i've only met tara once at bradley's 19th and she's an awesome brunette;D i was a lil disappointed i couldnt club that night though, i had on my party shoes:(but no ride home, no late night clubbing- that's the rule (and i dont wanna go wasting $25-30 for a taxi fare home, especially if im the only one in the cab with the driver).

ps: baby, i miss it when you'll sleep over at my place after we get home from clubbing- at least the taxi ride wasnt that boring:D (next time, stay till breakfast- you know i dont wake up till noon when im half tispy! HA! )

2009-07-27T21:50:00.002+08:00

stealing junk off the streets isnt a crime!

as they say it 'one man's junk is another man's treasure' so technically speaking, i ain't a thief and neither am i stealing, so... why was it mum was cracking up so badly when she got my message on the phone? (general junk collection tmr so we decided to rob some junk;D) even dad was worried when she suddenly cracked up. HAHA.

correction- there was only A mastermind behind it and no one else to do the dirty job of stealing the junk home except me, its pathetic really when you're the only one who sees the value of these junk lying about on the streets. (A because there was only one person who carried the plan out and because my name concidentally starts with A as well- who knew i had a talent for stealing no-man's junk? triple A student too. ) i mean really, the houseowners clearly dont want it because they dont have a use for it, but we do:D

if the junk hasnt been cleared in the next few days by the town council, i might go junk-spotting again. mum's excited about the idea of me stealing an unwanted bbq- it's doesnt have the fancy settings to it, just a grill and a hood- just the ones you'll have to buy coal and start your own fire kind- i'm just hoping no one beats me to it or i dont get spotted for stealing. so far, i've stolen an old drinks crate so mum would find it easier to wash the top of her car and 3 really dusty patio chairs- but hell they were in such good condition!

wish me luck!

2009-07-18T23:37:00.002+08:00

Seriously, im hopless at this.

i havent got a craving to blog for a very long time. it's always been facebook whenever im online- and i spend a good 1-1.5 hours on it playing games like mafia wars (im pathetic, i know and elvin hates it when my attention drifts from him to the games).

semester two starts on the 27th july. last semester's results were pretty good though charmaine has yet again stolen the spotlight with 4 grade 9's in her units, that's at least 90% on each of her 4 units. im pretty impressed with my grade 8's and 7's (at least i've maintained my score:D).
1. Introductory Econometrics 211- 7
2. Macroeconomics 100 - 8
3. Law Contract 101 - 7
4. Introductory Finance 201 - 8

my term holidays have been a complete bore. it's been months since i last put on my dancing shoes. shopping's definate with the winter sales on and boy have i been spending. in fact, i've been spending more than i've earnt. i cant help it especially when there hasnt been much hours for me. i've tried finding a second job to bring in the extra income for shopping. trust me, the newspapers, online job search websites or even walking through shopping malls scouting for available openings, i've done all that.

for a short period of time, i've tried a direct sales marketing job with optus doing door-to-door sales. the pay's definately lucrative- considering it's commisson based pay but mum didnt like the idea that i would be knocking on peoples' doors alone esp during the sunset hours. i decided to put the job on hold till i get my driving liscence, (i cant rmb if i mentioned this before, i passed my driving assessment, all i have to do now is wait 6 months before i take an online assessment before im given my liscence) plus i reckon direct sales marketing's a tough one esp for a 19 year old to handle.

i've got a second job with nandos chicken now although i reckon i'll be facing the same problem again, the lack of work hours allocated. i guess with the recession, no one can afford to hire you for that many hours if not someone else cant work those hours. besides, i've been lucky to even be hired during these tough times, i guess i cant argue much.

2009-05-01T18:09:00.002+08:00

how to deal with a recession

it's written all over the papers, and is one hot topic for discussion by almost every news station that seeks to get cover scoops on the lastest downtrends in the market. the recession. the downfall of the economy. we've all heard it before and we've all had our fair share of dealing with the tightening of our budget. families are cutting down on food expenses, i know mine is- charmaine's especially particular about spending on cravings, (that includes the icecream, yoghurt and candies), even birthday presents have a budget to work towards to -_ -'' giving the obvious reason that money have saved during the upcoming tough times.

here's what i've done on my part to save up for the rainy days ahead:

when you're running low on shampoo and hair conditioner, use your sister's without her knowing, to avoid having to buy new ones
when mum does get chocolates, scurry for them to bring to school instead of having to buy from the vending machines, and do not leave evidence behind!
buying new clothes to stay in fashion can be hard on your budget, so buy accessories instead- it lessens your guilt since they're cheaper, and yet you can still proudly say ' i went on a shopping spree!'
use your sister's makeup even though their skin tone doesnt match with yours, saving on makeup can equate to at least 2 meals !
olive oil works equally well as with your typical makeup removable- and its cheaper!
instead of buying haircream to smoothen out your split ends, olive oil again works really well.
forget the face or skin moisturizer- olive oil!
save up on bus rides to and fro from work to home by working nearby your place- bus 11 comes every minute or so.
when it comes to lunch, scout for cheap meals around campus. while 7.90 can get you a small pasta, the bookmark cafe offers the same small pasta WITH wedges on the side for the same 7.90
have lunch with your guy friends, they are usually obliged to pay for your meal;D

2009-04-27T23:52:00.002+08:00

my 19th birthday.

it wasnt anything special. just home-cooked food and the couch; throw in a really good movie and company, that was how my 19th was spent on the 24th of april. i must dedicate my entire blog entry to the really mouth-watering tiramisu cake mum got especially upon my request;D if this was how close i could get to experiencing heaven every time i took a bite of my cake, i'll always ask for seconds.

it was so good mum didnt even protest to the use of coffee as a key ingredient in the tiramisu. mum detests the smell and taste 'the coffee bean' and the whole idea of how we can all enjoy a cuppa while she has to make two cups of coffee a day in the office for dad. other than that, she enjoys her job.

at least my 19th was a whole lot better than my 17th. i shall not dwell into the past again but my 17th was horrible, not even the birthday cake could lift my spirits up. so while i got a television for the house on my 18th birthday, just so we could watch 'ghost whisperer' at 8.30pm, we didnt do anything special this 19th, since i had school in the morning and driving in the afternoon. we couldnt go out for dinner since charmaine had a test in the evening at university. but it really doesnt matter, mum bought duck and we had chicken and fish dishes as well. she opened her last bottle of wine as well to celebrate my 19th birthday.

the presents i got for my 19th:

a hair straighterner- from charmaine and sharon
grandma's red packet -$20
aunty irene's red packet - $20
mum's red packet -$50

as elvin would say it, i could never give up the idea of shopping if i had money in my pocket;D true enough, i went shopping today with $90 to spend from the red packets i collected over my 19th birthday:D i kinda went over my budget by a few dollars haha, not really surprising. i bought a pair of jeans, a clubbing attire, a grey scarf and a high-waist belt all for just $129.75. teehee. i admit the clubbing attire was bought on impulse- it cost me $60, but you'll love the butterfly design on the silver dress attire when you do see it soon. i had to peel my eyes away from buying boots as charmaine wanted to buy with me, should they have a ' buy one get one free sale' she reckons we could split the price then. bugger.

im incredibly happy today, i actually did some reading up on introductory finance 201 and finished up on the tutorial for it as well. amazing! i guess the $129.75 was indeed well spent today.

2009-04-23T23:06:00.002+08:00

the busy bee.

if blogging were homework, i would have failed it miserably;D i feel bad for not filing you guys on the updates in my life yet so far. i havent been exactly diligent in what i proclaim in my past few blogs either about blogging regularly.

'if the table is right, the writing will come' - extract from the 'sex and the city' movie. i do know in my case, it's not the table's fault i've been having the writer's block. it's either my bad judgement of time that has led blogging to this state because im busy off somewhere else or i just havent had a clue as to what to write about these days anymore.

anyway, today's a special day. it's the day before my 19th birthday. if my computer clock was set right and since daylight savings are over already- it should most probably be 48 mins away from midnight, though rightfully, i would only turn 19 by 11.00am on my special day;D God gave me one of his very special blessings today. the blessing of a woman. it cant be considered a birthday gift since i've already had it. i had my period. today, yes of all days to begin with, the day before i turned 19th. really, there was something always about when i receive those blessings...

the first i received His special gift was when i turned 12, and yes it was a day to remember as well. chistmas day, the 25th dec. i vividly remember mum was so overjoyed she made a toast in my honour of becoming the 3rd lady in the household. sharon was infertile then :D it was embarrassing, my cousins all jeered at me but it was all good fun haha!

there were a couple more special occasions when i received His gift again. one of which was chinese new year and i didnt even had to wear red underwear. haha!

i guess the only explaination i could think of at the moment was that i was due and the stress from all the mid semester tests i had this week just made it come. no idea really. im done with 3 tests so far all within a 3 day span and 1 more on my birthday- i saved the easy lab test for my birthday;D

tutorial classes were almost empty today. for an average class size of 11, only 3 of us came for tutorial, pathetic really and the 'i need to study for my mid semester tests' excuse is really unforgivable, but i guess as long as the tutors get their paycheck, no one cares really do they? i had to run off for work in an hour, of which 40 mins were taken up by the bus ride home and 15 for me to change into my work uniform and rush off to work.

thank god, my workplace is only 8 mins away;D work was really boring today- i stayed at the back most of the time, doing the dishes that piled up high in the sink because no one else wanted to do the dirty work. im fine with it really, with dishes, i could work at my own pace. serving customers, na ah. why do you think everyones' about 'fast customer service'? seriously, i could never bring myself to eat another lagsana- i really dont know how you spell it, knowing the hard pains it must have taken out of that poor girl at the back kitchen from all the scrubbing of 'crap' off the steel tins -_ -''

2009-04-08T23:20:00.002+08:00

easter break.

there's nothing much planned for these two weeks off school during the easter break; just loads of mid semester tests right after we're back in our curriculum. hell's just going to break loose come this friday when sharon gets her 4 day break from school- monday being a public holiday as well.

its just going to be the three of us girls this easter. unlike all other years, where we would have easter celebrations or easter hide-and-seek games with the rest of the relatives, this year would just be spent at home for dinner between the three of us. while woolworths and coles are packed with parents rushing to get last minute easter eggs and party materials, our weekly trips there would just be for groceries. sad really.

mum flew back to singapore to help dad with his accounts just a week ago, and we're still adjusting w/o her around. there's definately more screaming and arguing in the household over 'who does what'. i reckon when we do start university- the walls will come tumbling down. HA. so far, we've agreed that only sharon and charmaine does the cooking as the saying goes, 'too many cooks spoil the broth' - i would just add on to the trouble. besides, i cant cook what can i even contribute aye? HA. i end up doing the dirty work, washing up after dinner since it's all i can ever do, without wrecking dinner since it's in our stuffed bellies already. the watering of plants and ironing of clothes are my duties as well since i'm the only one who leaves for university later than the rest. -_ -'' grrr. charmaine does the dry-mopping once in a while.

now that's just some of the chores we have agreed to- its the ones that we dont, that's when things get ugly. but i guess we all forget about it after a while. afterall, we only have ourselves to depend on. if no one does it- there's no other sucker. ha, sry mum, we're not saying we take advantage of you. but you're always SOO nice!

2009-03-31T21:13:00.002+08:00

ain't so much of an avid blogger these days.

sorry guys, i just ain't so much of a blogger these days. i know i promised to blog every once in a while to update on how life is going for me down below but my fingers dont itch anymore for the keyboard. instead, im back to the old-fashion texting on my phone, which i reckon would pinch a small hole in my pockets the next time i get my bill:D

a whole month's passed already since my arrival here in perth on the 23rd of feb. during which, many of you would have been busy applying to your local universities upon receiving your A level results just earlier this month. i hope all's good?

anyway, during the past few weeks, much has happened of which i have yet to update you. but one at a time. we'll start with

1. Driving

we're finally started on parking on my 7th lesson. in that one hour lesson, we did head-on and reverse parking. yes, i was that bad at my basic driving that i needed a few more lessons to up my confidence level while im at the wheel. it was really an improvement from the past few lessons where i couldnt seem to do my left- right turns without going onto a curb or threatening to scrape the side of the road from making a wrong angle turn. thank god. now rima can finally sit back in her passenger seat w/o having to interfere much while im driving on the roads except when she's teaching me.

2. Job

i'm not sure if many of you would have known but i got retrenched with the rest of my working collegues from Donut King during the second week of march. change of ownership- the new store manager/owner apparently bought over the 2 stores in Carousel leaving my current boss and baker jobless as well. (rolls eyes) so much for an 'asian helping out another asian' - thank god he isnt Singaporean if not i would have cried. he is so stubborn! even after much of the head office's pleas to retain the current staff, before he settles into the job- he still went ahead and retrenched everyone except for 4 of our current staff so as to continue store operations. how smart. apparently he's not into hiring anyone above 20 so that only leaves me with a year more before i turn 20.

anyway, ann made a bet with me. she reckons that DK would be unable to survive one month under his care, i gave him two- since we were both retrenched ha, we both bet on one donut since its all we can afford without pay salary.

we all moved on and found new jobs, others gave up on complaining on their loss and are now on their way to looking for new work. i found new work- aroma cafe near my place. the location's good- it's just 7 mins from my place meaning i can choose to work late on thursday nights when the shops open till 9.30pm and mum could fetch me home thereafter since its so near. my new bosses are sisters in partnership and they're really nice. the pay's not as good but it should be more than enough to tide over this economic downturn.

3.School

not much has happened in school- most of the mid semester tests happen right after easter break which starts the two weeks right after this week:D not to mention the week my birthday falls in is loaded with tests and assignments. horrible really. im just glad my birthday falls on the friday which means late night clubbing on the weekend with the girls should work out fine;D

2009-03-09T20:54:00.002+08:00

i went at 80km/hr!

i had driving lessons today from 9-11am. Rima wanted me to do a two-hour lesson with her instead as she reckons i need a lil more practice with the wheel. mum wldnt let me drive her car as yet- giving the reason she hasn't bought insurance to cover an under-25 driver. -_ -'' (i think she's just wary of me crashing her car- my reckless attitude deceives my image;) we drove all the way from thornlie to maddington and then to cannington, before taking leach highway home to thornlie after passing through canning vale.

today's lesson aint as bad as the previous week. i finally managed to lossen a lil bit of that tension from freaking out in the driver's seat. yes, like all beginners im nervous. and to make things worse- i had parents who only passed on the four go. haha! i guess its just being singaporean that makes me anxious whenever i sit behind the wheel. rima totally understands- she claims singaporean drivers are the worst she's ever seen (the way she puts it- reckless and no consideration for speed limits) i'll admit that part, dad just loves speeding sometimes.

in today's lesson, we made a few minor changes to accomodate to my small height, we didnt do that last week as i wasn't taught how to check my mirrors. so first thing, mirrors got adjusted. i had a seat cushion as i was too short to see the front of the car:D the wheel had to be brought down a notch to my level and what else? yeah i had to bring the seat forward so my feet could touch the brake and accelerator just nicely. (rolls eyes) 'here's the part where you laugh because im way short' yada... yada... yada... whatever.

i drove unto a curb twice today. haha! both times from making too sharp a turn around a bend, that after i made the turn, the car just went over the curb and was about to hit a bicycle stand when rima braked hard. seriously i was too short in my seat, i didnt even see the stand after we went on the curb. overall, she said it was an improvement from last week.

practice makes perfect. the only times when it doesnt is when you had a totally change of scenario. when we first started out, my roundabout turns were made really slowly so i could run the processes in my head before putting them in action. we practiced in a built-up area that had little traffic so i was pretty much in a world of my own/ that mentality screwed me over when we ventured into heavy-traffic areas that had 2-3 cars in the roundabout. rima had to accelerate for me using her own accelerator as i was taking my time around the roundabout. HAHA! seriously, i thought i was still in la-la land. now you could have guessed what happened right after when we returned to doing roundabouts in built-up areas again. i accelerated too fast this time- i lost control of my steering haha. ah well. hate it when the scenarios aint in your favour.

braking's still needs practice esp. my braking distance and roundabout turns still need fine-turning. other than that, i've learnt to check my mirrors and sideways before crossing an intersection or whilst at the roundabout. so yay! rima's favourite phrase on me ' amanda, you need to loosen your grip. feel the turn. ' -_ -'' i am so feeling it.

2009-03-08T21:46:00.002+08:00

happy 21st birthday charmaine!

the birthday girl and her cake. (she really had a tough time blowing all the candles out - three blows i believe) ps: not to mention the saliva. charmaine and the family.

how come i dont get 18 candles on my cake? it was only a pueeny candle on a choc. cake

mum cooked a spread on charmaine's birthday. the relatives came over for lunch as well to celebrate her birthday. weird. they didnt even bother to wish me happy birthday till 3 days later on a saturday when mum called grandma to remind her to buy me a birthday cake as it was our tradition to blow a cake every birthday. aunt didnt even give a red packet- only grandma did. AND... charmaine got 200 from grandma's red packet and another 100 dollar gift card from aunt and ferarro chocolates as well!

damm i wanna be 21 this instance.

2009-03-08T20:49:00.003+08:00

school's been a bore of late.

other than a whole group of faces in the crowd from a new year 1 batch of university students, everything at university seems the same. the great-tasting kebab store is still located near the tavern area. the tavern is still buzzing with its usual residents- good food and beer. oh, ha there's a new bar outside the tavern now- sellling red bull and weird fizzy drinks.

second week in curtin's already over- the excitement from orientation week and the rush to get school books at dirt cheap prices have seemed to died down considerably, though that still doesnt seem to have eliminated the amount of notices people have put up on boards in a desperate attempt to sell their secondhand books cheap.

this semester's units from first glance seem pretty decent. in case you dont know. im studying year two, semester one at curtin. im majoring in economics and finance. i dropped my earlier choice of HR management i promise you guys, lunch will be on me when i get my first paycheck:D- in two odd years? three if im given the opportunity to do honours.

this semester's units:

Macroeconomics 101 ( should be a breeze, i did that unit already in year 12 @ canning college)
Finance Introductory 102
Law Contract 101
Introduction to Econometrics 112 (horrible unit. need i say more? )

that reminds me. i did pretty well last semester for my units. although, mum wants to caution me not to try out that stunt (working during my exam week) again. she said i was lucky this time round.

Management 100 - D (no silly, its a distinction in case you're appalled by what i meant by 'pretty well')
Business Info. Sys 100 - D (horrible as well- the dreamweaver project nearly made me shit in my pants- mum thought i'll never breeze through the unit without repeating it again. computers make me cry.
Business Statistics 101 - HD
Economic Techniques 102 - HD

2009-02-23T21:45:00.002+08:00

Landed Safe and Sound, quite literally.

21st feburary. we left Singapore on the 9am Qantas flight. yes quite literally, the turbulances felt during the flight were bad enough, the lady beside charmaine took out the vomit bag (just in case). the landing was horrible. everyone was flung forward with such great force that we could only hold on to the front person's seat for support while the plane tried to steady itself on the runway.

as compared to the previous 2 years where the sendoffs usually have a huge emotional attachment, this year was different. i guess i've been so used to flying off to perth for studies so often that the emotional yearning for singapore soil just seems to weaken with time. no tears, no regrets. we went through the departure gate with little hesitation. from behind the glass, everyone seemed to have put on a brave front, there were no tears, only smiling and waving- well wishes for a safe flight and a good year ahead in studies.

i thought i too could manage a brave front but that was until i read elvin's letter during mid-journey. the tears just came rolling and i sobbed. it wasn't so much tears of regret for having to involve him in this long distance r/s of ours that we sometimes find so hard to maintain but more so the joy of finding someone who found purpose in waiting for me to finish with studies in perth, while dedicating himself to helping our ldr grow with the passing months. charmaine-_ -'' she just laid beside me sleeping away while i looked towards her for comfort.

we touched down in perth at 3.40pm . mum's definately happy we're back (dad i told you its not a good idea to ship us back to perth with only mum there. not to mention 9 months of her.) we unpacked and had dinner early since lunch on board the plane was horrible- crispy egg noodles turned out into soggy wet noodles that were hardly inedible.

im missing the sounds of singapore. the sounds of people splashing around in the swimming pool and waterfalls from outside my window, not forgetting the close distance the bus interchange is from my house. it's real quiet here. deafening really.

it's getting late and im starting school on tuesday. yeah pretty much. i know you all are getting jealous but get this. i only have school on tuesday, thursday and friday- 12 hours in total for the week. yes, im lovin' it here.

2009-02-20T09:14:00.002+08:00

His dad spent $29.50 for me to ride the Singapore Flyer

this is why kianyong is afraid to 'keep' a girlfriend. he's every girl's dream of a walking A.T.M that is able to pay out cash as and when needed, but he's kept that thought to himself after i've told him how much elvin squanders on me:D he's especially terrified over how much pampering i need. according to elvin, i require more pampering since i dont get as much when im overseas (yes, the 1.5k that i've spent in Singapore are all down to shopping since meals are all paid by elvin) , so girls dont get all jealous of the lack of attention from your guys. i dont much of it also when im 5 hours away from my baby.

Elvin and ME @ the Singapore Flyer

given the whole duration of the ride, i think we took more pictures of ourselves than of the scenery since it was always the same few landmarks just of a different angle.

the marina barrage (the circle platform in the centre of the picture)

the new floating Singapore football stadium, ( that has extension rods so that the field can be further extended out into the Singapore River if needed). Singapore's recent National Day was also celebrated here as the old stadium is being torn down.

doesnt he look really cute with the headphones on? ha ha!

(complementary headphones from the Singapore Flyer for an in-flight commentary on certain landmarks and their history). yeah, we got bored of it after a while and started cam-whoring.

yeah whatever, i've heard it before. i gained weight bleah.

i told you baby! no more pampering!

i guess by the time i actually went to check what the top building actually was, you would have known. so im not going to bother. ( i reckon the sharp pointed triangle is marina?)

apparently, it still looks like my recent tanning session at the beach didnt do justice to my already faded tann.

a view of the Singapore Flyer cabin from ours, whoops, capsule my bad.

as promised, i will blog everything that i did during the holidays. well, fine i will try. i know i have delayed this so far but i have finally given into joining facebook again, after all the gossip i've heard from the girls. what's better than hearing gossip from a friend? finding it on your own;D yes, i've already accepted all 78 friend requests, and im up for a game of pirates at any time!

thanks babe for the Singapore Flyer experience. though... im thinking something more adventurous for us the next, bungee jumping off sydney's tallest bridge! and when we're older, sky jumping. AWESOME!

2009-02-20T08:28:00.003+08:00

OMG! i haven't blogged in 4 months!

with every beginning, there's always an end.

i hate to spoil the return to Singapore, but i'm returning back home to Perth on the 21st of feb. that doesn't really give you much time to hang out with me huh, given that today's already the 20th of feb. my three months of holiday in Singapore were made up of a whole lot of drama- being sick in often with reports that i had tonsilities, in case you dont know it's the inflammation of the tonsils in your throat, %#^#* WHAT! it turned out to be just a scare though i very much would like the whole 2 weeks odd that i've wasted on sleeping in at home and gaining weight.

no, i didnt accomplish my task of losing any weight eventhough i had the gym staring at me just outside my window at the clubhouse area. the good food that i've been eating all this while is defined as deliciously damm good food that has been cooked and marinated with a whole lot of sugar, salt, oil and chilli. not to mention, elvin's been spoiling me with candies and icecream whenever i pull on a pout.

if you guys are interested to know, i've already spent all that i've earnt through working in Perth. a whooping total of 1.5k within a three month holiday. any one still up for marrying me and your bank account? im not an accountant, just an inspiring economist so when it comes to recording what i've spent i cant tell you so (elvin pays for all the meals, movies, candies and places of attraction), but i've done my part in helping the economy raise its demand;D

*my deepest regrets are sincerly to Alyssa, im so sorry i didnt catch up with you. i didnt know how to find you and whilst i didnt blog for all this while, we kinda lost our only form of communication. *

for all those of you who were lucky enough to meet up with me on weeks when i wasn't ill at home or busy with running errands for mum, i hope to catch up with you more often during the year on msn or through emails. let's not make it a yearly affair.

and for the rest who weren't given the opportunity to meet up together with me while i was back, i sincerly apologise for sickness took much of my time with you away. but, it's not too far off ;D, 9 months and i will be back again for the food and shopping here in Singapore.

it is here we move on to the different paths our lives lead and in yet another year, we shall meet again when our roads cross paths with one another. bon voyage my friends!

2008-11-07T21:56:00.003+08:00

happy halloween!

(man i really feel bad for not blogging since the month of october. i have been really busy with work and school, and not to mention having a 'social life' as sharon calls it)

anyway, as promised, recent pictures of myself @ Brock's Halloween Party on October 31 :D

it was one hell of a party. trust me, i never knew halloween parties could be so cool- there were kerosene-lighted pumkins and fruit punch names were made to sound so scary (you wouldnt even believe the contents inside the drink).

when it's halloween here in perth, everyone dresses up for the occassion at parties. seriously, it was my very first time i even participated in a drinking game. haha, awesome fun. (not to mention the hell load of alcohol when you're partying with brock)

ENJOY!

my halloween costume - if you hadnt guess it right, it was supposed to be a beer maid's uniform.

mum just thinks im a spendthrift- spending 49.50 just to rent this costume and she blames eddie for being the 'bad influence'.

ME and eddie during the drinking game. i wasnt spared either since the girl opposite me was completely drunk and she was still playing!! eddie played for me, while i drank his share.

you could tell i'm still very much sober at 2am in the morning. haha, man seriously, i wasnt dead tired already, but when it comes to cam-whoring no one does it better than me :D

eddie got the red glow stick off a friend after hours of persuasion. i guess she finally gave in as she was slightly drunk then already- the lady in the devil's outfit.

man i was praying so hard that my eyeliner wouldnt smudge the whole night. thank you mum! haha, we had to stick to the old-fashioned way of eyelining with pencil, as my eyes tend to wet themselves, whoops!

that night alone, i was a cross between sandra bullock in 'Miss Congenality' and Chun Li in 'Street Fighter'. the red-ribbon idea was a last minute one.

the secret to my dark tann? i wouldnt even tell you if i was drunk. dream on!

trick-or-treating is not usually carried out here in perth as in other countries such as the USA but you still do have its minority, and yes, we had our first halloween trick-or-treat by the kids down the street. the middle kid was really cute, you should have seen him when he had his mask off. anyway, being overly suspicious of any tricks, mum actually went to get candy from the stores earlier that week. (chris on the other hand was egging in his suburb haha).

what better way than to end the post with me sleeping on eddie's car seat. trust me after a burger @ macs at 3.30am, all you want to do is to doze off into slumber. i was dead tired at the end of everything, and no i wasnt drunk or anything just slightly intoxicated ha ha, but that's not the point, his seat was so cosy and soft and ... (snores) zzz.z zzz.z

2008-10-20T20:47:00.002+08:00

work could never be more fun on a monday.

with people like tina and ben, work could never be more fun on a monday. while everyone else trug their feet to work, dreading the start of a new work week. i kinda look forward to most mondays when i work with these guys at dk:D

i woke up this morning, feeling all refreshed eventhough i slept at 1.40am the night before. i had the greatest dream ever. though the beginning started out bad with me taking chinese classes again after 2 years of totally not conversing nor writing in that language. man, that teacher was an ***hole. haha, she slapped my hand with a ruler because i was copying from a friend as i didnt know what to write on my piece of paper and she threw 2 dictionaries at me. a chinese-english and an english-chinese. best of all, i had to hand in that assignment at least by the end of the day. bad start but worth the wait for the ending. i dreamt that ben, from work took me out to the Perth Royal Show. haha, and the best part? we were GOING OUT together. haha.

mum called me a paedophile as ben was only 14, i argued he was going on 15!! his birthday is on november. damm its so near. so look, its not so bad, im just dating a guy 3 years younger than me, taking the fact he's 15. haha. chris wasnt happy about it since i didnt dream of him instead. haha, i told him, 'whoah man, its not my fault you came in late'.

keenan got a basketball ps2 game during lunch break and he asked the same question many guys ask about my fear of balls. i gave him that " do you seriously want to me asnwer "look,
K: 'amanda, anyway why dont you like basketball?'
A: 'i dont know, maybe its because like football or any other man- ball sports, i just dont get why guy actually want to chase a ball when they have women chasing after them. unless of course, youre in the case of tom hanks on an island with wilson, the football, then i can agree upon the terms, its for purely for the cause of friendship."
K: 'man then you know what'
A: 'what?'
K: 'it'll be impossible we that we would live together.'
A:'we'll technically we could as long as youre outside watching your tv and im inside. so we're in the same house, but different rooms, see this is what i call using your brains.'
K:' i only have one request then'
A:' man arent you fussy. what?'
K: ' my tv has to be bigger than yours'
A: good enough for me, as long as i have the bedroom and you have the couch'
K: 'sounds fair enough'

(im moving in with him next week) haha jk. though he did bring his friend over and i was supposed to be his current gf according to him. dream on keenan. "i only go for white guys with blue eyes. oooo, so sorry keenan, but it looks like yours are brown" did i mention how ashton smacked me hard right after that when i looked at her seductively? she had blue eyes. 'amanda dont you even think of being lesbian on me!"
ps: keenan wasnt joking about blue contact lenses. he even got the price for it. 40 a pair, and i wldnt doubt it that he would buy it to wear on for me. haha.

keenan was so happy, i gave him the best birthday present ever, my number. haha. i wrote on his birthday card as with the rest of dk,

hey keenan, have a great birthday party this sat.

have a good one from all of us at dk and

ps: i feel kinda bad for rejecting you the last, so here is my number. use it well;D

cheers, amanda.

(alright i should go back to working on my assignment. this was supposed to be a breather, but it looks like i rambled on too much hehe)
ps: when the beach pics are uploaded, i'll blog about it. meanwhile, i do look hot in them pics:D

2008-10-15T21:43:00.002+08:00

My date with the HOT korean girl.

she made me dinner, simple but sophisticated enough for me. i cant even cook an egg or rice without a rice cooker without burning it. i wldnt even wake up early in the morning to fry an egg with peas and corn in it and prepare rice, all for a friend. im just plain lazy and you see cooking wasnt a gift bestowed upon me. i cant cook- my dream X'mas present? Cooking for Dummies.

my god. i feel stupid now. im really bad at guessing ages. i took 4 chances and all got it wrong. how embarrasing and she got mine on the first try. damm!
ME: how old are you?
Jun: hmm, take a guess.
ME: you're not really my age but i'll say close, 19?
Jun: noooo, haha, way much older.
ME: okay fine. hmm, 21?
Jun: (laughs hysterically) haha noo Amanda, way older. more.more.
ME: alright. this is my last guess. it cant be seriously. 25!
Jun: surprising, older.
ME: WHAT ! how freaking old are you??? i know im going to regret this bu 28! NO MORE...
Jun: HA im not that old!younger.
ME: okay we're going somewhere. wahhh, (cries) i dont wanna play already!
Jun: im 26.
ME: OMFG. you really dont look like one.

maybe its the korean genes, if thats the case, im going to korea to find a hot korean guy, marry him, have mixed kids who would look like 20's when they're 50's haha. i would die a happy grandmother. haha.

i was so terrified when she said she wanted to share with me her dinner. i thought i was turning lesbian. haha, or the other way round. i went up to ashton, took her by the arms and shook her hard.
Ashton: whoah dude, go easy on that. what's up?
ME: Ashton, seriously look at me.
Ashton: yeah okay, im looking, why??? you're creeping me out now.
ME: are you attracted to me in any way? like do i look man enough to you??
Ashton: what do you mean man?
ME: ahh.... that doesnt matter, are you attracted to me!!
Ashton: hell no man. cmon, man im totally not lesbian and i like guys. you're crazy.

wahh. im going bonkers. i cant deal with being lesbian and having guys on my tail. a few days ago, i whined at mum. ma! i think i have boy problems.'boy, it was funny. you see i've always been more comfortable with guys. most of my friends are guys, now that im out of a convent school. though i kinda miss the girls there, and being all lesbian. even mum cant keep up with the number of guys i've been going out with, she's more than happy with their names and numbers. plus point: if they have a car.

keenan's pop the question. technically he didnt, but he wrote his number on a piece of paper and folded it up neat and nice, and gave it to me.
ME: what's with the paper? is it rubbish?
keenan: no you dont throw it! just open it.
ME: (unwraps the paper) written on it was keenan ********** (eyes keenan) what's this for?
keenan: im giving you my number stupid.
ME: yeah i know idiot. i can see for myself. but what's it for? like if im sick and all, can i call you to fill in my shift? (smirks)
keenan: NOOO. that's not what you do with my number. say like if you want to catch a movie, you can call me out and we'll go for a date or like dinner.
ME: ahhh, i see. but why? (scrunches paper up)
(ashton walks past)
ashton: hey guys what's up?
ME: hey ashton, this is for you. keenan's wants so badly to give it to you, but he was afraid to at such a close distance.
ashton. oh what's this? (unwraps, walks to table and scribbles something on it)
keenan: wtf man, why did you give it to her?
ME: haha, oh whoops, why was it especially for me?
keenan: duh, i was giving you my number.
ME: awww, thats so sweet of you but hey look, i think ashton's lovin' it.
ashton: happily smiling to herself whilst drawing.
ME: look she's way more interested in you than me, i bet she's writing mrs. keenan on it.

keenan didnt believe me when i told him my r/s were mostly 2 weeks. i bet he was thinking 'what a player' haha, i get that all the time, though im trying hard not to lose interest. it gets boring a lil;D after a while. haha, i can definately relate to sandra bullock in that show, two week's notice with hugh grant as her boss.

you could tell he was desperate. he was trying to side his story that he actually goes for asian girls, which was surprising as he was always biased against us asians. haha. his physical evidence? a photo of us ex and himself, and boy she was as tanned, asian though she had the advantage, she was born and breed in aussie. trust me you sld never get keenan interested in anything, he keeps bugging you, damm it was irritating- so i stated i prefer my caucasian guys with blue eyes like ben. oh ben. haha, (and i went on sighing and murmuring ben under my breath) i think keenan didnt understand why blue eyes, as he soon caught up to me and set me under interrogation, why?? whats wrong with brown... (well i would totally go for ashton as she has blue eyes) you bet, ashton smacked me hard in the head, protesting she wasnt going to go lesbian for me) im not sure if he's serious about it but we left the topic at he's going to get blue contacts.

funny things a guy would do for a girl. i had damm good fun at work.

2008-10-09T21:48:00.003+08:00

The IGA Perth Royal Show '08

the Lord gave us a miracle. he changed the clouds and rain into sun and breeze. it was unimaginable- shocking and unexpected for all those who prayed. haha;D it was the perfect day to go to the Perth Royal Show, which was on from the 27th september to 4th october.

I had to get sunnies! as they were selling 2 for 12 dollars.

Truly an eye opener: Look at the variety of toys on display!!!

Pick a bag and WIN! (you'll be amazed at the number of weird games and prizes at some stores)

I had to get my face painted. It was a special occasion, trying to re-live my childhood;D

I call it the bubble blower. We won this at one of the game stores. Good Ol' Fun.

L to R: Sharon, Eddie and ME.

Why do i love her so much? because we look good together.

we dared each other to try out hot burning sauces. oo, it was hot!

The result of our shopping. 2 pairs of sunnies and earrings.

Sharon hooked on fast to the idea of gambling, and was right on gambling with my money!!!

We couldnt get more excited than we are right now waiting for the train to the showgrounds for the (Perth Royal Show)

I was right. I didnt put on weight on my cheeks!! quick pass the gum!

L to R: Eddie and ME on the train ride.

Our first game.

we stayed till 9pm for the fireworks and it was so much better than Singapore's fireworks on New Year's day. we had a hotdog each for dinner and bought showbags on sale, not to mention the majority of money wasted on rides and gambling at the slot machines. i reckon when im back, the 360 degrees ride at downtown east would seemed like nothing though i kinda missed the viking.

we got first class seating on the grass, looking up above at the fireworks. magnificent, they were so huge technically as well since eddie's camera was out of memory storage halfway while i filmed the video. the chill was kicking in at 9pm, and when the show was over, we packed out bags, wanting to go home so badly to avoid the cold.

unforgettable day. the sun, the breeze, the showbags, carnival games, rides and fireworks.
AMAZINGLY AWESOME!

2008-10-09T21:09:00.005+08:00

Asian Cocktail Night- A Night to Remember;D

everyone turned up in glam. the lines were long and tickets were sold out even before the partying began. the bar was buzzling with people, just waiting to get their drinks and the three-storey club meant for 1000 people was packed with at least 6-7000 people.

it was great opportunity to shake the stress away from university just before cracking down hard on assignments during the upcoming study-free week. i also got to meet old high school mates from canning college, some of which i havent seen for a year or more.

the party started at 11pm, though the music could never be comparable to the past few times i've been clubbing. the entertainment was great with performances put up by the A.S.I.A committee members and the DJ mixing music on stage. with the 2 free standard drinks along with the ticket, almost everyone was drunk except for us girls; D we had better things to wake up to next morning.

L to R: ME, Megan, Eddie and you know my sister, Charmaine.

ME and Eddie (before he got drunk and crazy; D)

Old pal Shayma, high school friend and ME on the dance floor.

Us girls and Eddie with Charmaine's Vodka Sunrise.

Our clubbing attire. The one i spent 2 whole shopping trips with Chris to look out for.

I was in europhia after a few drinks.

Business Statistics 101 partner, Eddie and ME.

i didnt realise only after that we took so few pictures that night. i guess everyone was so busy drinking that we totally forgot about taking pictures. we clubbed till 4am and i was damm hungry when we left the club so the guys had to drive us off to get kebabs for supper;D

great night.

2008-09-24T23:57:00.002+08:00

next time we'll buy a dress instead.

oh the hassle of having to shop differently if you're wearing a two piece. my mistake. although, yeah i did spend a little lesser in total for both items than compared to a dress. but think opportunity cost, i didnt take economics for nothing;D unless, you argue that a 40 dollar difference is going to get you somewhere in life. ha ha, then i'll raise the flag.

i had to drag chris out on both occassions to shop for either piece separately. it was already so 'easy' to find a top that looked good enough to complement the occasion that's going to be on friday, let alone a bottom. hell 'easy'. i think i fear shopping now.

i guess his job wasnt easier at all. he had to accompany me throughout all of the shops we went, and always ending up at the same old shop and watch me change outfits every minute of so, while trying so hard to give constructive comments. i guess he was trying very hard although his answers hardly often left his lips. it was in the face. a screwed up one and your outfit would be a straight no. i assume a blank face would signify average and the expression of a kid whose eyes light up at the sight of candies, that's the one.

im just so thankful he was there. ha ha, i cant choose for nuts. we had fun on the way through shops, picking out the worse kind of dresses imaginable, frills, laces, big oversized buttons you name it, we found all of them. haha, chris has more to learn in trying to differentiate a skirt from a tube top. ha ha and me, on how to wear my outfit right without having to struggle through a small opening when man has invented a zip to help only the smart ones who figure it out.

im happy to say, two wednesdays we've spent searching for the one and we have found it. i'll take pictures along with the ones at metros for cocktail night. i managed to keep it under a hundred ;D, the remaining of whatever i get to keep for acccessories. not to mention, this time round, we werent late for management 100 tutorial but for group meeting that we scheduled before class. poor emma, was all alone when we got there.

ps: chris says black is a kinky colour when girls wear it.

i cant wait this friday.

2008-09-24T23:39:00.002+08:00

You're one hell of a popular bitch.

ernst called in the late afternoon, to inquire if i had anymore tickets to sell for the upcoming asian cocktail event. seriously, i didnt even think they'll be any left over for him. no one calls in desperate two days before the event begging for tickets, i dont make the world go round, let alone would tickets appear in my hands.

it was chaotic. for that moment there, after he called, i knew i had to make calls to people i thought could very well have tickets left. ha ha, i so badly wanted him to go and i needed to get tickets out from thin air. the reason for his change of decisions: his girlfriend cancelled her church retreat and thus, so he could go. . . abusive; haha. he declined previously because he felt morally wrong to club while his girlfriend was in a church retreat and i thought i was the good girl. in other words, he's going because she is. bummer.

i managed to find those two tickets within a four hour span. it wasnt easy and david helped me quite a bit. previously, when i called him for any leftover tickets, he left me with a sad note. both universities had sold out all tickets to this alcoholic event. leftover tickets were sold to the general public this morning at northbridge area and everyone's sold their leftover tickets, earning slightly more than a little on commission.ha ha. ernst's only way out? buying door tickets that would cost him a bomb for two, not to mention the uncertainty of availibility of tickets.

while david called on committee members who might have tickets left reserved for close friends, i made my own calls. at about eight, we had good news. david called to say he found a friend who's willing to part with three tickets given that i pay immediately at a price of 5o for both. reasonable for late tickets.

ernst, now you owe me 50 and a present to go with the trouble.
calling me miss popular doesnt work on me.

2008-09-23T17:52:00.002+08:00

this is why i hate tele-marketers on the phone.

you cant blame me,my chinese skills havent been fluent even throughout high school years. although i can still understand basic chinese, i doubt i even remember how to write some of them. especially since speaking in chinese isnt my forte at all, i've not spoken it in ages. one, two years?? maybe.

you can imagine the situation at hand when i received a phone call, a chinese one, with a chinese tele-markter on the other side who constantly persists the questions, hello, ni hao (how are you?). . . you have got to be kidding me. next thing i knew, i rushed into my room where mum was inside doing her daily breathing exercises, holding the phone outstretched in my left hand, frantically trying to pass the phone on.

-_-'' she didnt take it at all.
'what am i supposed to say? she keeps saying hi, ni hao and this already is my second greeting. '
'just tell her you dont speak chinese.' mum shrugged me off.
'but then, i am chinese, my accent might give away'
(there was a long pause on the line)
'then say that you dont understand what she's trying to say, sorry and quickly put down the phone.'
'why cant you answer the phone call then?'
'cant you see im busy, besides, its fast, you'll do fine.'
(i think we must have talked between ourselves for so long she thought i had given it to someone else to receive the call)
i picked up the phone again.
'hello?'
'hi, ni hao (how are you?)
. . .okay we've been there, done that. can we change the subject other than ni hao? i understand that.
'hi, im sorry but i dont understand chinese'
'oh, you dont understand zhong wen (chinese)?
'no, wo bu dong (i dont understand)'
SHIT.
.
.
.
.
sensing my mistake, i slamed the phone down. oh god, the embarrassment to be a chinese.
immediately after that, mum started to choke and broke down into laughter. (apparently, she was breathing in when i my slip happened.)
'why did you say that!' ha ha, you must have left her wondering why you said chinese when you said you didnt understand the language at all. ha ha'
concidentally, through the walls to the adjacent room, charmaine started to break down as well.
i was made the joke of the day.
and no one seemed to forget that incident. . .
red...
stop laughing at me!!!(pulls the blanket over my head)

2008-09-13T23:31:00.002+08:00

rowing sprints.

we only raced in a quad. i didnt race in a double this time round because of the bug i had caught. there just wasnt enough time to train with a new partner and while jo had got her back sprained, thus not being able to coach us in a speedboat, mum wouldnt let me out training hard.

everything went bad before out race. we were assigned to a boat that we hadnt trained in before. it's like running in new trainers just before your race started, no warm ups, in this case however. we had to drop the idea of rowing in 'the flynn', a new boat as well though sharon says its somewhat the same as the 'ilikai' tha we use to r(ow in) as the feet arrangement just out of sorts. both the 3 and 2 feet arrangements had problems and there just wasnt enough time to get them fixed.

we had to borrow another boat from the club where we had borrowed the 'flynn'. the 'chancey' wasnt in such a poor state as the other one though it was a boat we had never rowed in before. it was only 500m but it was one that was so hard to row in. not only were the oar handles smaller in diameter, that were hard to twist without losing grip, the boat's interior was something we had to learn to adjust on the spot.

we started on time, as i promised carol we would this time (since the last 2 we missed), though we were called back to the start line after a head-on collision had happened to two boats in our race. we had a 2nd start, and everyone were worn out having to row back to the start, adjust and start all over again.

it was the hardest race ever and one i thought i was close to a blackout. two weeks of recovery had done me in. i havent trained hard since the last race 3 weeks ago and this race had affirm the fact that i cant just force my body into racing hard without having regular training sessions.

i was necked at the 350m mark. i went out of timing. jo claimed i had rowed too fast and my strokes were short, causing us to slow down, though the cox didnt say anything about it. we came in last though we were against the senior boats. everyone's in question as to why the curtin seniors were in our race. they got first as expected- though it wasnt really a fair race to begin with.

im disappointed really, in my performance today. it wasnt the best to begin with but it didnt have to suck so bad. i went home wet and worn out after all the unloading of boats into the shed at the end of the day. things didnt work out so great even after all the rowing.

mum was annoyed over the fact i brought back a bag full of sand. i guess i wasnt in any mood to answer her question on how my race went. it didnt go well afterall and mum's angered over the fact i mentioned my ex. there's way too much to deal today.

im not ready for this/

2008-09-13T22:28:00.002+08:00

for the better of both, i've quit Subway.

i've handed up my resignation letter to Subway. it wasnt at all easy choosing between the both but, it was a decision i knew i had to make soon before war break outs. i've been the reason why both sides are mad at me, and it was a mess i had to clean up. i had struggled to fit in with the new while trying so hard to shed off the old.

i've made promises that i had to break from which tension grew between relationships. often at times, i guess family was all i had to trust.

the transition into Subway was relatively easy, i got the hang of things within the first few weeks, and that was before i discovered the downside to things. i've had to stand a boss who has mood swings that comes just like that and i wasnt so lucky myself to be caught in between one of her bad days. i got home that day and got scolded by mum for crying my heart out.

i havent really been myself while working at Subway. i did make great friends- many of which i found really easy to relate my trouble of being caught up between both sides. but i couldnt be myself during those shifts, i felt moody often- like the sun didnt rise that day. i felt like a patient, strapped up and restrained, except no one was holding me back but me.

i took the blow hard. i didnt smile, or laugh or jump around like i use to do, i stopped working fast. i stopped taking energy drinks because i didnt need the energy to. i felt dead at times, no one knew what was wrong with me, and yet everyone was especially concerned for my state. but what were they to do?

i dont even have the freedom to be myself without having to face the music in the back kitchen. it was a dual personality i couldnt cope with. i couldnt change for who she wanted me to be. i've tried to make changes, changes she wasnt satisfied with. i guess i havent tried hard enough then to please her. she still couldnt really accept the person i was inside. till today, there was always that little bit of tension between the both of us, and i was always at the losing end. i couldnt, she was my boss and even if it was something really nasty she said, i had to stomach it in for now.

that friday was the hardest. i had to make a decision. the tension riding up withing both stores wasnt going to ease unless i make that decision. i had to quit one. which was my problem. i spent the last two days working out with mum over the job i should give up. i wrote a letter, and like the rest of the notes, i couldnt pass it personally to her. 18, and im scared of her, terrified to say the least, but i doubt my emotional state could take any more downfalls.

im glad i took that step, though i've not faced up to the consequences of my decision.
however, i truly believe,
things are going to change for the better,
someday.

and someday, i know i'll be happier
and on that day, the sun will shine once again

2008-09-04T21:52:00.002+08:00

recovery's on it's way.

i spent the whole of this week recovering since last thursday. the recovery was good though. the cough mixture was disgusting and i still have to take it twice a day. no one got sick other than may. dad's got the sore throat back in singapore and mum says i sent my sickness by fedex. he's recovering well over the last two days.

i did my online BIS test on tuesday afternoon with mum:D while i was rummaging through my book, flipping pages at a delirious speed looking for the answers, mum was frantically surfing the net for any answers in general. the questions were hard, and it took us quite some time, at least till no. 17/30 to realise that most of them came from 2 distinct chapters.

what was hard was i read them 2 days ago, only to completely forget them when i needed so. 30q's in 25 minutes was hard when i had to juggle the questions with an intolertable headache. i had cold sweat. i went over by 10sec, as i had problems saving and submitting my test results in. the score was graded, 12.5/15, but i was still panicking.

the results that came back required grading. then,it suddenly strucked me that i could have a 0 mark instead. this was forwarned to every student that took the test, that if they were to overexceed the 25 limit, a penalty of O would be issued. you can imagine, i leaped right out of the chair, went to the other room, and quickly wrote an email, hoping i wld be granted exclusion of that rule because of the situation.

2 days later, i had no reply, i sent another email to another person and i got a reply yesterday. great news for the panic i've been through. i've been fix:D and the result stays, no having to redo the test. thank god.

the week has been boring. i've been taking naps in the afternoon, and not being able to sleep much at night. lunch and dinner has all been pretty bland. no sugar to enlight my tastebuds this week. no chocolates or fried food. i've been left out at all the temptation. sadly, mum only said i could have all of them next week on.

oh how i wish time cld fly;D

2008-08-30T20:56:00.003+08:00

i caught the bug again!

i couldnt recall, but mum said i've been sick for at least 3 times already within this year. good health doesnt seem to be on my calender any time in this month. the weather's been bad, the changes to temperature unexpected and way too cold for my own liking. but that't not how i fell.

it all started with one guy and now at least 4 people have been infected by that same bug that's been passing around. jason got the flu, and he has yet to recover since 3 weeks ago. richard's one guy that never falls prey to illness, and now he's down with the same bug that he caught from jason while hanging out together.

richard's got it bad, and because he has 2 other work colleagues residing in the same house as him, he's got him infected as well. gary's got the flu a few days after richard and jess, a week later (when she discovered it was already too late to move into her bf's apartment).

now jess had no choice but to come to work with a sorethroat, since wendy-boss wldnt give her leave, for the fact that she already had 2 staff on leave. i worked with jess that wednesday, and was unlucky myself. i had the sorethroat on that night itself and reported sick on thursday.

today, i went training with the rest, half expecting the amount of work to be done in today's rowing. believe me, i nearly died on the way back. i was so exhausted and was breathing so heavily, that even the sharon in the 3rd seat had to constantly ask if i could carry on. i guess it was pure stubborness, i wanted my team to carry on, so i had to since i was in the stroke seat.

starts : consists of 4 strokes to get the boat moving. paul made us do circuit rows- fast and hard strokes in preparation for the sprints 0n sept 13, starts-10, starts- 20, starts-10-normal row throughout. when we got together with jo's double, we did 5 small starts competitive, and ended up losing fairly because we had to carry paul's "weight" as well;D followed by starts-30 and long-d back to the boat shed. i was flat-out.

i slept the 2 hours before work started at subway. not surprising, i guess i pushed myself too hard, i ran a slight fever. hehe;D ...and i passed that fever to may, while working beside her. i guess i was working so hard, i perspired and the fever left me good. she was tired out even beforehand before i passed it. she felt dizzy and hot-headed halfway through her shift and was sent home, because she just couldnt work. ouch, now i feel bad.

i've been a bad girl this week. ann's supposely called me a bitch in front of everyone in dk in my dream. but the facts were real. she was angry with me because i told her i couldnt work for dk anymore, given studies and training commitments, plus family as well. i thought the new girl was hired to cover my shift but instead it was otherwise and she was fed up because of that. gosh, i cried in my sleep because of that.

im exhausted.
i wish i could stop the clock, and make time stand still.
catch a breather,
and twist the dial backwards to relive life again.

2008-08-23T21:55:00.002+08:00

Curtin- All Saints row!

it was a great day out there at champion lakes today. the sun was great and the winds werent as bad as the other few races we've all been to. the food stand was up and running (appealing appetizers- cakes and biscuits), with the sasauge sizzle heating things up. the tent was set up and so was the umpire's stand.

the first race started early at 10.00am, with the men's C grade singles all pumped up to start the day good. both me and galatee came early to have a training session before our women's D grade doubles at 11.15am. we couldnt find a right time to train since the winds werent great on both occasions we were down for. the change of seating didnt really work out great at first- we were so accustomed to our usual habits as a stroke and bow pair in thr prion.

we were off the waters an hour earlier due to the commencement of races in that area. we were both not confident of what our new roles should be, me as a leader and galatee as a follower this time. this time, things would be different. we started on time, and galatee managed to check the boat into position for the umpire to start the race, the first 20 strokes, were hard, followed by long strides in between till the 250m mark, where we did hard strokes all the way.

the balance in the boat was good and the boat's directions were fairly accurate- thus not having to panick about going off course; D with the speed and power settling in by the 250m, we made the 5th, missing 4th place by 1.08 of a second. damm, so close- maybe a lil more power should do the trick:D and 6th place came in 2 mins later.

coach jo was so proud of us- 5th place was hard to believe for a 4-month old team what became for us, from a team that capsized 100m from the end point to a 5th place, missing 4th by mere seconds would put us on the books for the most improved women's doubles team. D grade was no feat for us, we beat 6th position (2 years exp) with a 4-month old exp.

the next race was a women's D grade quad, with a cox at 12.50pm. we missed our race and start. before us, were 2 other consecutive teams that were using the same boat as we were, the osphrey. the changeover just didnt make it for our timing since the last team that used it came in last in their race. by the time we made our way to the course route, race 29 had already started. we started race 30 late by 200m since the umpire didnt want us colliding into other boats since it wasnt our race to begin with.

the best part of all was the confusion which arose when our card number wasnt showing 3, instead it carried the number 7. i guess that could be one of the reasons as to why none of the umpires noticed that we were missing from our lane in race 29, since there was already a 7 there. as to who changed our card number last minute, we have no idea.

leading from the stroke is scary/half of the time, i was wondering if the rest at the back could keep up with my timing and also if i were to give up before any of them would. aden was a really good cox. he kept the directions in line with the marker bouys and the motivational support was really effective esp. at the last 500m.

although it wasnt our race, we rowed race style, since everyone was going to watch us, coming in last of that race. imagine the number of eyes looking at your strokes- there's where we lengthened out to included time to check for little details such as is the blade going in 90 degrees?

we stayed for the day to load to the boats back onto the trailer and then into the boat club. the last race ended at 5.25pm while the packing up lasted till 6.00pm. i only managed to get home by 7.50pm after everything. i bet i'll sleep well tonight.

i have to.
i have training tmr, its sunday if you remembered and trainings start at 8.30am.
plus, mum and the rest went for church already, leaving me alone for church after training.

2008-08-17T19:02:00.003+08:00

what have i been doing the last couple of weeks? running around.

yes, i've been up on my toes for the past few weeks. im so sorry, i havent found the time to blog, if its the day- im always out for work, if not at school and training, andif its at night, it's the truckload of assignments piling up on my guitar. (i dont actually have a desk just a small table which is big enough only for my computer)

it's not that easy juggling two jobs and school. but i dont have much of a choice do i? i just cant seem to say no to either bosses, even if my assignments at stake. i guess thats the reason why i got told off last monday by subway. i wasnt aware of my work schedule and when i asked to take a break to concentrate on my assignment- it was harder than i thought to get leave.

anyway, that was past. she didnt have much of a choice and gary was happy to do my shift, so in the end it was one day off my work schedule. that could do if i didnt have monday, tuesday and saturday at work as well, not to mention school on wednesday and friday as well.

im shit.

i know im foolish for taking on all of this pressure. i know im going to break down someday, somehow i would, but then, i cant seem to give up. i love the adrenaline. i like the fact that im always out of the house- running around. i may be stubborn, but am i stubborn for the right things?

did i set my priorities right? is everything going the way i wanted it to be? is life rolling out the way it should have been or am i just trying to rush through life? have i neglected the ones who love me in my run against time to please others? have i forgotten how it is to be loved and to be taken care of instead of caring for others? have i forgotten what life's about?

i came out fine in semester one. i managed but then again, i didnt have 2 jobs. i dont know if i'll be so lucky this time round.

2008-08-07T23:10:00.002+08:00

i've been particulary tired this whole week.

it's no surprise as to the number of activities i have going outside of the house. i had a medical jab for the prevention against cervical cancer. mum brought me and sis to the clinic to have it done- and i was first again. 'so who's the bravest?' without much thought, charmaine's eyes just fixated on me. oh thanks ah -_- ''. it was funny because everytime it came to needles, needless to say, it was always me first. she claimed that i had more muscle in my upper arms so i wldnt feel the pain much as compared to her, so she rather wait. you know, prolong her turn at the needle?

i've been at work for the past few days @ subway. im progressing well in terms of coping with the change in environment and people. on tuesday, i could only cope serving breads with 5 people, because i couldnt take the pressure of people waiting to be served. so i did salads the rest of the day.

today was different. no one else wanted to volunteer to do breads so i had to learn to cope with the pressure. while i only did breads during off -peak hours such as 3-5pm, it was totally different this time round since i was doing on- peak. lunch hour. now, i know why no one wants that job- i was naive then. i've been up on my feet for 6 hours, 3 hours, doing breads. it was tiring. i nearly fell asleep at doing the salads at around 3.30pm. i couldnt even stay awake, such that my memory skills were failing me then. the most i could remember was 3 salads at one go. i had to buy an energy drink from dk, to keep myself awake for the rest of my shift, not to mention training thereafter.

we went for training at 5.15pm. the winds werent so good today, and the waters were bad enough that even for a quad to go out into open waters, all we could only do was light rowing. we decided that going out in a double would be too risky and uncalled for. so we did ergo (rowing machine) instead, we did 2 sets of 2km within 10 mins each. it'll be a start, but i was just glad i managed to do 10 mins in the first place.

starlights of this week

i saw mild porn after my wed lecture at 8pm. i guess the next time i see a caucasian with an asian bitch, i might just puke. the guy was sitting down on a bench and he was definately getting creative with his girl, while she had her legs tucked at the side of his thighs. i know its rude to stare, but it was so obvious, even passerbys were looking, staring as a matter of fact, so i have an allibi. it was in the spur of the moment while they were kissing, that he tucked his hands into the sides of her pants, how i saw this? i had the priveledge to see it when i brisked past. eww. disgusted, totally.
i was working at subway: i was going to the back kitchen to refill some of the salads, 'i need lettuce, carrot and olives guys' when i saw richard and jason touching one another, like how gay birds do sometimes. im not against it. it fact i loved it. but seeing the both of them- i thought i was going green, and had to use my hands to cover the exposure and yes, my jaws dropped 'what the heck are you guys doing' - their reaction was almost laughable. they suddenly jerked back with those shocked expressions on their faces, and tried to clear up the mess by compounding me with a 101 reasons as to why they were touching one another. i tried to sound as though i got it, but you know me, so i persisted and kept asking. i guess jason got tired of defending himself that he started to turn on me by licking the air and pulling down his collar, exposing his left neckbone. sure hell, it scared me off.
i was working with lee today, he's 50, and has been working with subway for almost 18 years, when it turns october. while he was working, i caught a glimse of his hand muscles, 'wow, tight muscles' the only problem was that i think i kinda said it too loud- one of the customers laughed when i said that. another was when lee was distracting me while i was working on a customer's salads. i totally forgot what were the salads she didnt want, and scolded lee, 'you disturbing old man' haha , it was funny.
im a pig i know. i was chatting with a customer while serving him and he had in one of his hands, a bag of chips. i smelt vinegar in them and asked the equivalent of it. he nodded, and asked if i wanted some- i almost beamed. oh wait, i did beam, and he handed me a few chips; D

2008-08-04T22:10:00.002+08:00

i met an angel along the way,

i missed both my weekend rowing sessions because i didnt have a ride, but i've had my fair share of fun throughout the weekend, after work @ subway on saturday, i met a lady who introduced herself as charlotte bland. it all started with one question 'is that book nice?', and our little friendship just bloomed from there.

since i had missed the only bus that could bring me home in time for mass, mum had to fetch me from work. our coversations had spread across many different topics. i got to learn of her life experiences and she got to learn about my life as a teen. did i mention? she's 68 and aging really well. we may be separated by 50 years of difference, but, the similarities we both spot are trememdous- the same outgoing, fun-spirited personality, the love for freedom and space, and the adventurer and risk-taker all in one.

before i had to leave as mum was already waiting as arranged, she did something no stranger would do to another in those 20 minutes that we've met. she gave me her mobile number, home address and her house number. not even new friends that i've made would give me their contact details in the first meeting. i guess she realised that i was a little bit taken aback by her offer, the fact that i suddenly went speechless, but she reassured me with a pat on my back, and said that if i should have any problems along my years as a teenager and just need a listening ear and a hug, she would be there for me. the most a stranger could do for another:D

jokes of the week:

Number One
although it was sunny outside, the house was cold. while i was wearing only a single layer, charmaine had donned 4 layers of clothing to shield from the cold. we just finished lunch and were washing up, while charmaine was busy suntanning from within the four walls of the house, absorbing the sun's rays that shone through the glass. while i was busy talking with mum, she suddenly grabbed hold on my arms, squeezed it tight and tried to snuggle in my chest, attempting to draw heat from my warm body.

my nervous system swung into action, and the next thing i knew, i shoved her aside, whilst commanding her ' Go There, SUN!' my main intention was that she leave me alone so i could do the dishes while she continued to suntan, mum's face came up with a blank and the second to that, she was breaking out into spasms of laughter. she was thinking 'why the hell would amanda call charmaine son?' i know i was slow. it took me minutes to even understand what was so funny.

Number Two
we had fish and chips for lunch today. 3 boxes of them for each of us. mum had hers labelled because she didnt like her chips too salted. she wrote a big capital, M in black which was a very distinct constrast against the red and yellow packaging. i ate at least half of my box in the car while mum was driving home. whilst finishing the rest of my meal, i realised i needed more salt- that my chips were too bland whilst mum was testifying that the chips were way too salted. plus, i couldnt finish my meal. i left at least 1/2 of chips in my box while mum finished all except a bunch of fries. when i finally closed the lid of the box- admiting defeat to the huge portion of chips, my eyes caught image of a lettering, black against the yellow background. 'damm, now we all know who ate my box' 'MAAAAA.....'

i have to watch "Dark Night", i really have to. everyone's starting to talk about it, and it's making me jealous. i cant wait that long to rent the dvd when it does come out, i have to watch it now- but it's just so hard to get people together just to watch a movie. the fact that almost everyone has school on a tuesday except for me, makes it even more harder to get people out of their busy schedule. but it hasnt been all work and no play for me this week.

2008-07-30T22:22:00.002+08:00

first day of school.

while others started their first day of school on a monday, i started mine when half of the week was almost over. school started today, a wednesday and of every other wednesday and friday till the term ends. yes, i only have 2 days of school. i sense a tinge of jealousy in the air.

some envy me because i only have 2 days of school to attend. others say im crazy for cramping lectures after tutorials one after another. but then again, my lessons aren't so packed against one another. wednesday is one heck of a day. i have a lecture that starts early in the morning at 8.30am and one that wraps up the day at 8pm. with a two tutorials in the middle and a good 4 hours of break in-between.

i went to work during that break today to help cover kerrie's shift at the dk shop while carlene takes her lunch break. i didnt have anytime to change out of my clothes into my work uniform as i was already running late from missing a bus by minutes, and the bus seats were way too cramped to be changing at all- so i had no choice but to change while running to the store (i had my arpon dangling at one end of the bag, my ear phones were dragging across the floors and i had to keep my eyes on the road ahead while slipping my head through the neck opening.

my day went great so far. it didnt feel as lonely as it did when i first started out semester one at uni. i knew friends from the last and so, i didnt feel uncomfortable with school starting out again. i've made friends. 2's still pretty much a progress since i didnt have the courage the last to make any till 3rd day. matthew's in both my management and econ. techq lectures and tutorials ;D the 2 units i take for the day- in simple words, we have the whole day together. he's a pretty cool guy although first sight, you would have labelled him a geek, but gosh, has he the nicest leather shoes i have seen and the longest feet, or is it just the design of his shoe. im a size 4 and his shoes could most easily double that of mine. we got bored during econ. techq lecture that we started passing notes in between us> for a guy his age, passing notes is pretty childish ;D but im glad he did, at least he helped me survive through 1/2hr of the lecture.

i missed my driver. johan arranged for alex to fetch me home after my last lecture, but we didnt meet at all. it was a concidence that we were in the same lecture- and i still havent got hold of what major he's doing but we didnt meet. did i leave too early or too late to have missed my ride home? i wasnt really looking forward to taking the bus home- the reason was that past peak hours, the buses only arrive every 1 hr, so i had to wait.

i met a guy at the bus stop just outside of carousel. concidence again. he stays around thornlie area. we were taking the same bus home, and he's studying at swan tafe, pretty close to curtin- doing a hospitality and chef double degree. we exchanged details other than contact numbers, a lil too early dont you think? nice guy but i wouldnt see him as bf material; D more of like a confidante, although it's only our first meeting, but he's really nice to chat with,

'when would be the next we meet?'
'if i dont have a ride, every wednesday this time at 8pm,
i'll be waiting for the same 206 bus to catch home.'
'so, i'll see you then?'
'yup, i'll see you then'.

2008-07-28T22:14:00.007+08:00

Pictures @ The Metros

Back to School.

Late Night.

oo. i just love posing with this drink. alright, i get the hint. (clears throat) Midori Illusion i mean.

james bond wasnt ready for the shot- he looks petrified, monster/ villian perhaps?

this is how we look at guys- Mich: girl looks seemingly interested at a guy but prefers girls to guys, Me: girl sees guy of her dreams (awes in amazement- drama queen) Megan: girl cries when she figures she got beaten to it.

johan's friends and us. a little way too friendly for first timers; D

the old school punishment in the books. clearly, megan's trying her luck, making fun of the teacher.
michelle, bad shot! (whacks head)

the high school girls- we came dressed for the occasion.

the school nerd at her naughtiest ;D you gotta believe me, she tried to act geeky.

we just had to relieve our childhood moments. hold on, this was supposed to be taken in one of those japanese photo taking boxes.
i think i squeezed megan a little too tight she had to barf- but i dont know why she barfs like that ;D - maybe it was more of 'cuckoo cuckoo, a lil too tight dont you think?'
i TOLD you megan was a school bully. the old school trick that led to many cat fights- hair pulling!
the clubbing gang : johan, me, megan and alex and of course, the photographer herself, michelle.

we dont like you at all! - this is what we do when we're bored. forgive us; D

all cheers to the new semester! (gassp..! johan's already half drunk)
this is what we do outside of econs class- but we apply simple rules, we DEMAND to be photographed, and michelle SUPPLIES, F.O.C (this is not in your textbook) this is why i love cam-whoring. truly, i think johan's already drunk. although, all he had till then was a red bull or... he was checking out a girl, but with eyes closed? you have to do better than that ;D

it was really one crazy heck of a night.

and you guys made these pictures all happen,

within a night of crazy attitude.

2008-07-27T15:11:00.002+08:00

let's club, Back to School

we went clubbing last night at Metros, in Northbridge. everyone was dressed exceptionally in their old school uniforms, even the bartenders had donned tight- fitting school uniforms, some of which were so small that were bursting at their seams. others had school shirts since the 7th grade, that couldnt support their shapely bust while others had went all the way to finding matching outfits.

the club's really big. three storeys in total with an open space on the top, elevators and bathrooms on all the floors- the onyx bar only had three cubicles and not exactly the kind of place you want to relief yourself. there were three bars on the ground floor, a central bar on the second and an eatery. the third storey was under renovation.

the music wasnt as great as it was when the clock striked 1am. the club was packed on the dance floor at around 12am- there was hardly any space to dance without accidentally knocking over others. the drinks came in at 11pm, i cant remember the name of the drink but it was this lime green liquid that was poured in shots. i had 4 shots while michellle and megan had 6 in total, other than that, i had a red bull and two glasses of water. 4 hours of clubbing and i didnt had to take it to the toilet.

th usual group was there, those from the onyx bar the last. we arrived at 11pm and cam-whored the whole hour till 12am when the music got crazy. when justin timberlake's song, my love came out, and i heard it from the third storey, i had to drag michelle downstairs with me- a bunch of school girls running down the staircase, it was really funny. and i still remember the ij-ian fad, (avoiding the side of the staircase which is not covered since it'll be a free show to all standing below. )

oh, did i say, michelle looked really hot- she wore the top we bought for her on our trip last friday at valleygirl with jean shorts and black boots. megan was awfully stunning, it was shocking. she was clad in black shorts and stockings, a bleach body hugging top and her old school tie.

nelson was jealous i could dance. he said it wasnt fair that i was new to the club scene and yet i could dance like the rest- he took a while to get used to the club scene and its dance. he revealed to me upon my question as to how he learnt to club, (psst, its a secret between us) that he used to practise in front of a mirror. i could totally do that; D in front of the bathroom mirror.

metros didnt appear like the asian club scene like everyone says it was. there were loads of caucasians there last night- even johan said it was unusual, but i think i know the reason for their appearance. school's starting for most of us university students, where else to find them other than at the club that spots loads of asian girls? megan was dissing the two white guys looking in our direction- this was what she said ' why are the two caucasians looking at us, omg, they're so old, what, 30-40 years old and we're only 18! ' we were laughing hysterically when one of them was holding a glass of liquor perhaps? and smiling at us.

i guess i really have a high standard. most guys dont even cross that line. some barely crossed it- those that have girlfriends already i suppose? but none that i would take a second look at, other than alex, since we're always around him. he taught me to shuffle and the running man- but i need help on them; D oh did i mention? i saw sailormoon!, except she was in red rather than blue. but still! it was funny though when i saw her dance. guess i wasnt used to seeing sailormoon clubbing.

the night was too short. i had to go home early since mum wasnt really into the idea of her second daughter clubbing late when her sister wasnt the sort to go with. we were all really hungry when we got out of the club at 3.30am but most of the food stores in northbridge area were packed. so we settled for mackers after sending megan home- breakfast! before buying mum sat and sun's newspapers at the nearest caltex station.

i finally went to bed at 5am and slept till 1pm where i set my alarm to allow 8 hours of sleep- i wouldnt want to oversleep and feel shit the next day at work. i woke up at 7am, felt like i hardly slept; D the red bull's doing. i skipped training- didnt want to miss it if i promised to go, but that would mean i would have to do my own training at home. the next race's in 2 weeks time. women's quad in bunbury and maybe pop over a sleepover and loads of clubbing?

we'll see.

2008-07-27T14:47:00.002+08:00

ONYX BAR PICTURES

from left to right : megan, michelle and ME!

give me some credit- i didnt know how to dress up

left to right: johan, ME and megan

my makeup that night wasnt that great- need professional help!

this was the rest of the group plus missing, nelson and sheryl and her friend, left to right: johan, alex, megan and michelle; D

2008-07-24T20:30:00.003+08:00

work is such a chore,

because everyone starts going off for holidays at the end of the school holidays to avoid the holiday peak period. i had to come in for work every single day just to cover these shifts, a spare tyre as you call it. unlike the rest, i didnt have a fixed work schedule. i was called in on days when someone else couldnt work- trust me, i have heard more than just the usual reasons that people use to call in and not turn up at work.

i have been up as early as 7-8am every day just to prepare for work. this week alone, i have taken shifts that belonged once to school kids who worked in the day, during the holidays. now, their shifts are up for the taking, but no one else wants to take their shifts, they already have their hands full with school, let alone a job- so ann is back to square one, hiring people.

working in dk doesnt feel the same as it did when the rest were still working. i have lost touch with friends that used to work there and who have made the place a better environment to work in, a great boss was lost to another job on the basis of a higher pay and the price of donuts have risen quite a bit. when i learnt about this job, it wasnt really profits that mattered, but 2.00 for a small donut- now that's a rip off. i cant even afford lunch to be above 5.00, let alone spending frivously on donuts. i cant even believe that im standing behind those counters and selling those donuts- i must be insane!

we had a laugh at wendy's on monday after shopping -i thought i'll just try my luck with a centre's discount- applicable to all working patrons in carousel. instead of proof for one, i showed my name badges for both jobs, dk and subway. the lady serving us had a laugh. but i guess one was good enough and she could only grant me one discount. i should have carried around my hungry jack's nametag as well. the more the merrier;D

i've been really tired for the past week. not only had i a job to show up to during the day, i had to train by evening. the women's doubles are on this saturday and after the flu bug finally decided to give me a break, i've been trying to bring my stamina back on track. although i havent made the time but the distance- im satisfied, 2-2.5km a day is good enough not to tire my legs out the next day.

try this girls, i've asked almost all of my dk friends. it's one of my favourite.
in order of importance, rank these three traits;
1) money
2) looks
3) personality

i've got loads of different answers from my friends. after you have revealed your choice, state a few reasons as to why you have ranked them in that way. i bet you'll have a laugh when i let you know mine.

ps: everyone wants their guy to have a hot bod, so do i, unless of course, you prefer a guy with some blubbler on him- thats fine, everyone to allowed to have different tastes. well, i love my dad, blubber and all- it's just the beer you see.

have fun;D

2008-07-20T22:32:00.002+08:00

clubbing @ The ONYX

saturday. 11pm-3am.

the music wasn't entirely great but it did get the crowd on their feet and dancing. we only managed to get in the club after an hour of waiting in the long line. other than bracing the cool night air, the smoke in the air was stifling.

i was shivering cold from the winds and only had a small jacket on so johan took off his coat and put it on me. it felt so warm on the inside but he was feeling the cold bite. everyone else had to smoke to keep warm- no one was even prepared for the chill.

the wait was definately worth it. i enjoyed myself that night. although the night was short, with the club closing at 2am, the music at the end bit was great. we got ourselves a drink with a slight bit of alcohol in it- thats all, and it was more of the dancing that made my cheeks red not the alcohol, i cant be that bad.

johan introduced his friends at the club e.g. alex and nelson and i met two girls who were friends with alex, great girls. sheryl complemented on my first club scene apart from the black and white asian event helf earlier this year. johan, on the other hand was loss for words as to my performance that night. he said he was surprised that i danced as though i was in the club scene since high school- i quote "you know you look like a natural out there".

i dont remember attending clubbing lessons- i doubt there's any classes held for it. i just had the passion to learn how to dance like the rest, their heat, the way their body moves and the energy in the dance. it just feeds off from there, indulge yourself in the fun everyone is having. i think clubbing's a whole lot more fun without the drinks.

drinking would be great if i know i wont get drunk,
and do something stupid like blabber like a baby,
or even worse.
i shal'nt even discuss about it;D

2008-07-19T09:24:00.003+08:00

subway baby!

i came home from work one day and realised, 'hey, you guys havent seen my subway uniform as yet' so, this is a little tip on the second job that i took during the school holidays. yes, i have two jobs to juggle right now. it's not that tough as the second one gives me the hours that im missing from the other. dk's been hiring way too many new people over the school holidays, that many of the older staff have been set aside.

i've been offered a job at subway. i told of my plight and they thought, " why not ?" so i got the job within 3 days of application (resume). it was really funny when i first started out work, everything was a whole lot different in here, than compared to dk, there were no coffee or hotdog orders, only subs/wraps and salads to make, plus there was a thing i learnt that was valuable in that place, TEAMWORK. in dk, unless you beg, you have to finish up the order yourself.

unfortunately, because dk is still my first job, i have to give it priority over the hours that they want me to work. therefore, as of now, its only the saturdays that subway has me on. im thinking of quitting dk, since there isnt anyone i wish to stay behind for- other than the free drinks and donuts i get;D i guess when school starts, even with 2 days of school, i would still have to choose one job- in order to concentrate on studies- its honours my parents are after.

anyway, enough of school. these are the pictures that i took while cam-whoring in the bathroom ;D

that's it. no more. the rest looks really retarded and im not risking posting it online;D bleah/

2008-07-17T20:51:00.003+08:00

oh my, i'm injury prone ;D

i thought it was only the sports that i did, that i had to worry about myself, but i had two accidents today, one with blood and the other with a bruise. before you get all, "omg, are you alright amanda?", just like the rest in the shop, i am fine. the blood's stop and the pain is easing a little.

i've got a few more cuts that i wasnt even aware of. it's weird. i was changing and whilst i held up my elbow. there it was, a deep circle cut on my left elbow. it looks kinda deep- the fact that im not too sure on depth since its all healed up, without me taking notice.

the knives were sharpened last night, and i was unlucky enough, to meet my fate during the rush hour. i slit my thumb my accident- and the reaction was really good. it was a pretty loud shout when i took notice. it seems like a pretty small cut on the outside but it looks really deep when you pull apart both edges of the skin. that explains pretty much, why i had to hold pressure on my wound for 5 mins. i had to change my bandaid twice because it got wet from doing the salads.

i keep getting apologies from jason- he's this hot emo guy in working in subway';D as he was the one who sharpened the knives under wendy's instructions- said he was innocent in taking part in this injury.

the next was when i slipped and landed, front first on the metal bench . the floor was wet and i was rushing orders. the impact was hard and the after result pain. i took no notice of what i said immediately after the fall when everyone started laughing at me. i said " omg, owww... my breasts hurts." while rubbing them. it was really pain! and i thought they were made of fat, to cushion the fall.

i had a long day at work. even the flow of coke drinks couldnt keep me awake for work till 5pm. i was really exhausted, and everyone else looked the same on their faces. edwin from dk wanted to fire me, by writing a threatening note to subway, for selling him 'overcooked' cookies as he claims to be ( i didnt have any of that, and slapped him on his front cap. )

i better sleep early tonight. i have a long day tommorrow.

11am- 2pm : shopping for clubbing attire @ carousel- this really great dress i saw at LIVE for $95.oo,
2pm- 4pm : school to get next semester's books at the second hand store.
4pm- 11pm :home sweet home- dinner and a nap
11pm-2am : clubbing @ the onyx bar- wee hours of morning

saturday's schedule:D

2am- 6.40am : sleep
7am- 8.45am : rowing @ salter's point
11am- 4pm : work @ subway
6pm- 7pm : church

if i survive this schedule, i'll blog it.

2008-07-16T21:43:00.002+08:00

recovering from the fall.

training was really hard for me. we did ergo instead of on-water training because of the strong winds. it was bad. having had rest at home and avoiding all kinds of exercise, i have lost all the stamina i have built over the past few weeks.

whilst i could do a 10 min row- 2.5km, i could only manage a 1km, 5.5 min today. my heart couldnt take the heat, and i was out of breath almost by the 2nd minute. we had to do our own individual training because i couldnt keep up with galatee's training-20 minutes!!

im really exhausted today. i had to go to work, kerrie already blew up at me yesterday when i didnt turn up for work. she said i didnt have a good enough reason to skip work, when im due to come in, in less than an hour. she was really in a bad mood when i lost my cool as well. i dropped my bags, took off my uniform and jumped back to bed- without a care for her.

i didnt feel so good after breakfast. i felt fainting spells and unsteadiness took me unguarded. while i was doing my morning routines, i felt it already. i thought i would feel a little better after a little food in my system, but it didnt help much.

work was dreadful. i had to get a hold of myself a couple of times when i dazed out. i wanted to leave early but no one would tend the shop with carlene. i didnt have lunch. lunch wasnt something i had at my will. it would have to be after my shift, since the hours i work are between the morning and lunch shift- busiest times. i had to take awake on the sugar dose from 3 donuts.

i hate being so stubborn.
i need to get well for the race next sat,
but with my stamina this low?
my body this weak,
im not sure if i can even stand up
to see the end.

2008-07-13T14:06:00.002+08:00

results for semester one, 1st year at univeristy.

i thought i wouldnt be able to manage a distinction, let alone a high distinction. the following results were unreal. even, i couldnt believe it was so easy to score for the semester. the results were based as a percentage of the whole entire semester, taking into account the tests, projects and the final examination. they didnt release the final marks for the examination but i knew i screwed up on a few papers. the end result, unbelievable.

accounting 100 81 high distinction
economics 100 76 distinction
legal framework 100 71 distinction
marketing 100 71 distinction

marketing really did take me by surprise. the project was really on a low mark, while everyone else scored a better than us. we only managed a 63 % for the marketing group project while i had myself a 70% on the individual assignment. the examination probably i would assume to be a 65%. but a 71% overall, now that is unexpected.

the other one that was surprising was accounting. we almost failed the group business project. a 15/25 while everyone else managed a good mark such as a 17-20 range. we were really disappointed in the marking process and the fact that our business project was only labelled as satisfactory. it was a hefty 40% of that mark that we had risk, pulling our overalls down. the examination on the other hand was either really easy as most who did accounting before in year 11/ 12 or was easy to make up for the strict marking in the project wise.

i ought to be proud of myself. my parents were and my friends are jealous of the results that i get, but yet, i dont even feel a tinge of happiness. i dont know why. it's just results we're mulling over, why the stress about how well you do or not? all that matters is the personal achievement of that person. in my case, i did it and i should be happy about it, but why ain't i feeling any of it? what i have felt for the last few years of study is that i have worked so hard just to make everyone happy but not myself.

when i was young, i desired the attention as the middle child. i have strived so hard to make my parents proud of me and my sisters jealous but in the end i was beat to it. my parents were never as proud of me as compared to my elder sister. if it wasnt for studying, i could have been neglected and left aside, forgotten of my true potential. in the last couple of years, i studied hard for an accpetance into an university, i studied hard so that my parents wouldnt worry about how i would cope in a new study environment, i studied hard for everyone else but me.

next semester it'll be the same and the next few years to come.
i have to learn to work for myself and not for any one else.
i need to take credit for my work and accept the fruits of my labour and,
unless i start to understand that my results are the personal achievement
of my hard work and effort,
i would never understand the true beauty of working hard for myself.

2008-07-13T13:01:00.002+08:00

sickness took me by the hand when no one else would.

that morning was different. i felt really tired. my mind refused to wake up when the clock rang at 5.40am and decided to take a short snooze. time went by and i was oblivious to how much i slept in when i woke up and saw new time, 6.23am. it was a nightmare. mentally, i knew that i had to rush for things as galatee would be waiting outside my house at 6.40am. with only 20 minutes to spare, i couldnt think of anyhing else but to jump out of bed.

breakfast was packed, four slices of bread without any spread. it tasted raw, which added onto the long list of why i sldnt to going for training. the day wasnt starting out great for me. the past few nights have been late, playing online games to pass on the time. yesterday, my body took the toll for everything, the late nights and overactive life that i lead- i came down with a throbbing headache and a dry throat.

the unexpected rain during training only made things worse.my body couldnt cope with the slight drizzle and so i developed a slight fever, only to have made it worse from the long day of work. i've been stubborn, but never been this stubborn. i knew i was falling ill, my body was feeling weak by the moment and yet, i persisted.

i ended work late, having been scehduled for close. no one in subway knew i was succumbing to sickness. no one could tell because, everything seem normal to them. linus was very nice. not only had he cleaned the display cabinet, he took it upon himself to sweep and mop the floors. i was only left with the minor cleaning such as polishing the windows and degreasing the microwave and toaster.

the only time when i had totally no strength to fight against my illness was the bus ride home.

there wasnt any buses till an hour and a half later. i cldnt wait out in the cold for the bus to take me home. my body was already shivering from the cold air and a fever had developed within 15 minutes of waiting. it wasnt like the usual cold days where my body was generating heat to keep myself warm. this was different. i felt different and the heat was undeniable a fever.

i took the risk and walked at least 200m in the cold winds to the other bus stops where more buses could be alighted from. if there wasnt going to be a direct bus to home, it wouldnt hurt to take two buses home, if the waiting time was shorter. i was right. instead of arriving home at 8pm, i was home 45 minutes earlier. it did save me on the waiting time for one bus, but i didnt help on having to wait 40 minutes on the last of the two buses at thornlie train station, with fumes of smoke in the air by passerbys and their cigarettes.

the cold was unbearable, the pain immense.there were times where i blacked out or saw grey spots when my body couldnt generate enough heat to shield against the deeping temperatures. the bus ride took longer than expected.

when i finally made my way to the front porch, i was already in the state of collasping on the brick tiles. i fumbled for the keys in my bag but came out empty handed. i knocked on the door a couple of times, awaiting for a response but got none in the next few minutes. i knocked again, this time, the knocks getting softer and slower in time. i thought i heard a shout from inside the house. i waited for the next couple of minutes in agony where my arms gave way to the weight of the bags and newspapers. this was going to be the last. the next few knocks on the door were harder and slower between each interval. the door knob clicked from the inside after a few knocks and realisation hit hard. i was going down.

the last thing i saw was charmaine at the doorway before i blacked out hitting hard on the door posts. she was as shocked as i was when i stumbled back up from the fall, the bags and newspapers on the floor. the next thing i knew when she was picking up the things from the floor, was that i ran as fast as i could to the bathroom.

i had no appetite for dinner, but the panadol that i had to eat required that i had something to eat before medication was taken. i was so cold that i had to bath in steaming hot water admist the fever that i had. besides wearing a shirt underneath a pullover, i had to wear on a winter jacket and a scarf to sleep, sunggled under a winter blanket and the heater turned on 24/7 for me

i slept at 8 and woke up at 12 for another dosage of panadol with 4 hours in between as instructed. the next i woke up was at 8 for a sore throat medication, 8 hours apart from each dose. i slept for one and 1/3 of a day. i slept in for 16 hours straight, apart from waking up to take medication, and skipped mass today. i have been a bad girl, missing out on the extra sleep that i needed, skipping out on training and mass this morning and not drinking enough water.

i hope i'll be up and well on tuesday. i have commitments to carry out and a weekly schedule to follow. i have work in the morning and training in the late afternoon and i cant afford to miss either of this. the competion is in a week's time and we havent got much time to prepare for training.

oh god, please let me be well.
i promise you, i wont eat any candy for this week,
that i'll be a good girl and attend mass next week
and be prepared for school in the following weeks.

2008-07-11T23:00:00.004+08:00

cam-whores!

this is what i do in my spare time, when my schedule is free from work and play and when the weather really sucks to go out. it was a bizzard outside, except for the snow and ice, but it was a freak storm out there with howling winds.

there wasnt much to do at home. we finished watching all the rented dvds that i had borrowed and there wasnt anything nice on the telly. i got bored of surfing the net since no one was online in the late afternoon. sharon got tired of playing online games to kill the time.

at least the camera came in handy and we cam-whored for over an hour.

i got tired after a while and was caught off guard in this pic.

this part was funny. i was supposed to take a shot of her while she was in the air. i did take that shot but i didnt take her head ;D so indirectly, that body shot might not be her. dont ask me how her hed got severed in this picture. i didnt know my camera skills were so bad when i took others, i guess i should just stick to self-camming.

if there is ever a next time, remind me not to touch the camera unless the view is on me; D

2008-07-10T22:32:00.002+08:00

4 people and only one for the job.

the shop was in total chaos. with a long line of people ahead of us, the orders never stopped coming. technically, the shop should be operate with any two employees around since it was a smaller shop than compared to the one in the foodcourt which required 4 to managed. but, no one ever said about anything if one of those two were to be handicapped.

carlene wasnt feeling too well. she had small fainting spells which were the result of a lack glucose in her system, having not eaten since 6 hours ago. she declined taking a break at 12pm when the rest were around, so at 2pm- her body wasnt taking it well. she looked really weak, so i had no choice but to dismiss her to the back, to take a breather and buy lunch.

it was crazy in the shop after then, not only had i to take over and finish up on her half-finished orders, i had to take up new ones, so as to not impatient customers. i have never felt so pressured in my life before, not even the an examination for my worst unit.

choices had to be made fast, and orders had to be done well.

i was rushing between two huge customer orders. cant they spare me some pity knowing that im the only one in the shop to tide over the rush hour. one wanted 4 hotdogs on the spot, 4 milkshakes to go along with the meal and 4 cinnamon donuts. now, when youre rushing orders, the whole place just seems so huge and everything appears to be so far apart. i practically had to run from one corner to the next. the other wanted 8 cinnamon donuts and 4 coffee deals to be done up, not to mention, taking and stacking the cups and saucers from the dishwasher, setting the tray and everything else. it was hell. complete hell.

the customers werent sparing and the orders kept on coming along.

when carlene came back with her lunch, she looked a lot better and i wasnt. i was so stressed and worn out with juggling 3 orders at once and the context of the orders didnt help at all. when the crowds dispersed, i managed to take a breather for a while at the back in the kitchen. my legs were giving way from all the running around and my breath was relentless, it didnt calm down, to a point where even carlene was concerned. i closed my eyes, with the support of the side bench, resisted the state of zon-ing out.

i have to thank to constant pressure though. it helped me keep my mind off food ;D for once, in 6 hours of non-stop exercise, i have never thought about food, other than the occasional sugar snack to keep my glucose levels going. i never ate till 5pm since 10am in the morning after breakfast i eat every 3 hours, it just this winter season is getting to me bad compared to anyone else. its not that i have to eat or if not i'll faint, but i might have gastric if not fed. my tummy is a stubborn lil thing. i eat 4 toast of bread for breakfast while other girls are spooning off the creamy texture of yoghurt. eww.

the best part. (censored) i havent went to the toilet to relieve myself since 10am in the morning till 6pm when i was home. i didnt have the need to. i guess all the water that i've drank was converted to something useful like sweat ;D no kidding, i do drink loads. while at work, im able to drown myself with two bottles of 750ml water, a vanilla 600ml coke and two energizer drinks to keep the mind mentally active for work.

i hope today wont happen again.
it nearly scared the wits out carlene,
with the stress that was building up,
within me,
the pressure that my body was taking.
next time, please.
put me with someone who has
had lunch.

2008-07-08T23:42:00.002+08:00

the will to carry on without you.

to the girl whose boyfriend appeared on the front pages of the local newspapers, i honour your will to live on. it is never easy losing someone to old age, and even more so, of a tragic incident dealing with pilot training exercises in brunei. i respect your bravery to hold on.

im at a loss of words on how to console you over your loss. i cant ask of you to move on, because i ain't myself. i would have betrayed my own feelings if i had encouraged you to stay strong. and it would be disturbing to psych myself into being happy when i clearly am not.

elvin, i dont have the will to carry on without you but i cant ignore the pain i've been through.

i cant wait another 5 months just for you to finish A Levels, for us to be together again. i actually fell for the disguise that you put on and it was really foolish of me to believe in yet another lie. do i really have to wait if you really loved me? was it the distance between us that has strained this relationship or was it us? did you really mean it when you said you'll wait for me, 3 or 4 or even 5 years if i had to? was it all for real or did you had to fabricate all those lies?

would it even help it i had waited? would you be able to concentrate on studies then? unlike track or frisbee, im not just another extra-curriculum activity that you can just drop out of when you feel the pressure of studies acting upon your nerves. you can jump a few hurdles, throw a frisbee but not dump this relationship as though it never meant anything in the first place just to pick up the pieces later on.

and so, i've waited. the faith to believe that things wouldnt work out between us is undenyingly strong but the flesh is weak. i have waited though i have said otherwise. i have lied on my mum, my sisters and friends, that we werent in contact. i have told many lies to cover up for you, for us, for this bleak relationship but not this time. this time, the people out there whom i have lied to, have to know.

i dont feel the security in you. how am i supposed to know if im in for a second breakup? how am i to judge your love for me? or how strong it is that you would climb mountain tops for me? how should i know that you'll be able to handle the pressure of one thing without giving up on another how should i know all of those if i dont trust you?

elvin, i cant give you a definate answer that i'll wait till those 5 months are up. i cant say if i would still have the same feelings that i had the last when i was with you. i suppose those 5 months would do me good on a solitary life of a single, or i might be lucky and find my mr. right within those few months.

it wont be fair to you, while youre at exams but i've made an offer to stay by your side, only to have been brushed off. i have waited a month or so for answers. elvin, i really dont know why you feel everything is so hard to explain. i dont get why you find it hard to find the answers im looking for. is everything so hard for you up there? australia's not the problem youre finding it hard to cope with this r/s, its your attitude.

during that one month,
trying to forget you seems like a pretty hard task.
i've blocked and unblocked you several times on msn.
questions were asked with no answers found.
we had endless fights, that were futile attempts of getting us back.
im still coming to terms with throwing your stuff away,
but im afraid by doing so, i'll throw a part of me away.
i dont feel the same for you as i did when i said 'i love you',
we've managed to turn from enemies to friends.
we'll stay there.
nothing more.

nothing more now,
nothing more 5 months later.

2008-07-07T22:47:00.002+08:00

mum's out of town and the house is upside down.

mum flew out of town, for singapore on sunday at noon. she left us a couple of chores to do while she was away-damm my mum is a smart woman. she wrote us a list or two with concerns over how to prepare certain dishes to the using of home appliances. i guess some things just have to be taught rather than be written down on paper.

the washing machine went bonkers today and paper didnt say anything about the machine going on forever without stopping. we had to call mum early in the morning to fix the problem. there are just some things mum does it better, like the operation of the timer on the heater or the pressure cooker.

we went shopping for groceries today. we wanted to avoid the heavy rains and thunderstorm on thursday so we decided to preponed the shopping days to today. we carry some heavy items home, like milk and juice. my plastic bags gave way from the heavy weight of the juice bottles and sharon dropped her plastic bag of biscuits. BISCUITS ! on the hard cold concrete pavement. god knows if she was arranging her hair or daydreaming when she dropped the bags.

life's pretty quiet without mum around to bug us.

2008-07-05T21:57:00.002+08:00

Women's Quad Race Division E

we came in last, but the effort was worthwhile. its our first race. mine the second, having raced in a women's doubles with galatee. coach was proud of our performance and everyone else thought we hooked it other than the bad start.

we missed the start. the empire blew the horn but we didnt realise it until everyone else had a headstart. we were stil checking our boat into the lane when we heard the rest moving past us. this is why my coach labels most empires as mean and unethical- they dont wait for you to get into line, and expect all competitors to ensure that they are in their lanes. at least they didnt blow their top at us- but did at fremantle girls when they were in the wrong lane.

if we hadnt missed the start, fourth or fifth placing would be ours to keep, noting that it was only our first race to start off with. we gained the experience, confidence and self assurance that we could conquer any race and the memories to last for this event.

we were all so breathless after the race that i had tummy aches at both sides and had to take awhile to get my breath back. it rained, so admist all the rain and mud, it was cold. the rains made the seats and footing wet- so i couple of times i lost my grip and had to re-adjust even during the race. cold, very cold. the winds were so strong once, they had to hold back on the races but not strong enough to call the whole event off.

my saturday's are always a headache, from running to one place and another- i dont know when'll ever stop to take a breather. i do know that my work schedule and training sessions wouldnt allow of it. so there you go, i am still a prisoner of time. i was so worn out during church that i dozed off a couple of times during the semon, father was giving. ouch. i guess my body just couldnt take the sweat and pain from rowing competitions to work in the afternoon and finally evening mass.

yawn.
maybe youre right afetrall,
i do need a rest.
i have training early tmr morning.
good nights,
and sweet dreams.

2008-07-04T20:41:00.002+08:00

free donuts, free lunch.

they say kindness begets kindness. we gave out free donuts and i got a free lunch in return. today was a little different at work- in order to promote our new additions to the shelves (the new donut sensations), we gave out free donuts to all those who work within carousel. it was all part of kerrie's idea to convert these group of potential customers into regular buyers.

everyone had a different favourite but the votes were on cookies and cream and white chocolate glazing with blueberry fillings. i prefer the latter. the blueberry oozing is to die for- it just melts into your mouth along with the sweetness of cadbury's white chocolate. before we even reached the other end of carousel, we ran out of the popular donuts and decided to head back.

i had a free lunch- no cost, no credit. richard (subway) made me a ham sub free of charge and aston (donut king) finally gave in to my persuasion- a bottle of water as i left mine at kerrie's end. now, that is what i call a free lunch ;D

now because i work as a temporary for dk these days since they werent giving me enough hours to cope with the school holidays- i had to look for work, from which i found subway, i had no idea this would happen any other day.

my two dk bosses started an argument as to who would have me to work at their end. -_ -'' ann claimed that she has already booked me for next week and she needed someone reliable to cover kim's shift at the foodcourt area. kerrie, on the other hand, need me to fill in so that at least there would be one person to tend the shop. they considered sophia but at the mention of her name- both of them didnt want to hire her- ann stating that sophia would hurt her business as she irritates customers with misunderstandings caused by her poor language skills. kerrie couldnt afford to hire her at her end as sophia has not been exposed to the other shops's bearings (the environment, coffee machine and the till).

after work, i went to the club to help jo and the rest load the boats up on the trailer so that they could be brought to the racing course tommorrow morning. there was the boats to load from sculls to quads, the oars and other techical equipment such as the loudspeaker and blue foam pads another both the trailer and jo's 4 wheel drive.

the race plan is as follows:
Women's Division E, 4x (Quad) + with a cox
race division: WE4x+
race no. : 16
time: 11.29am
location: champion lakes
lane no. 6
racing boat(quad): osphrey
racing attire: racing suits and training wear
to bring: $8, umbrella, cap, extra change of clothes

this time, there's hardly any room for mistakes as we would be rowing in a quad- more stability so there is no excuse to capsize. having made ourselves a name in the first Women's Doubles Grade D race for capsizing 4m from the finishing line, everyone including our coach would have high hopes for this race, everyone including me.

i want not to win the race, but to perform the best.
i want not the glory from the race, but the satisfaction from achieving.
i want not the trophy to bring home, as they would only collect dust,
but the memories that would last through a lifetime.

i want us girls to do well for tommorrow's race.
go curtin women!

2008-07-03T12:55:00.004+08:00

next semester and a whole lot of trouble ahead.

july 1, 2008.
i did my re-enrolment at school for my major. the reason why i cldnt change my units back at home online was because they cancelled one of the units that i was going to study and that i was in a pre-major ( i havent had chosen which major to study on).

i have chosen now. economics and finance.
i figured out human resource management and industrial relations double major would be too hard to cope in the later years of university. the units all seemed very dry to start off with and most of which focusing on human resource management only. i cant judge to say if management would be hard to cope with as i havent done the unit till next semester- of which is compulsory for all first year students to take the 6 core units, accounting 100. economics 100. legal framework 100. marketing 100. business infomation systems 100 and lastly management 100.
i did the first four in this semester.

mum was worried about my choice to undertake economics and finance thinking that it'll be hard to find jobs with relation to it- busines banker/ teller, economist, financial planner, insurance advisor and there were loads more to it. she was afraid that my studies wouldnt be able to help me reach top jobs like an economists or either that i wouldnt like the daily life of an insurance/ financial advisor and that a business banker would not fufil the education that they paid for.

a letter came yesterday. it was for me. it came from the school- curtin business school. the letter congratulated me on my outstanding performance in the economics 100 unit. while it lasted, i felt good about my choice of major, with the backing of the schoool, to undertake an economics major, that is till i found out that my sister had the same letter last year on her accounting 100. a little disppointing but i was fine with it as we werent in the same legue. she was going with accounting and finance. i was fine till this morning.

she had a dream,

that the letter wasnt meant for me and that i scored a low mark for the exams. it was meant for someone else who, like me worked hard to earn a decent mark on every task, who strived hard to sustain their marks and who would go the extra mile to do all the practice questions online. and because i received that letter, someone out there might have been disadvantaged.

maybe that someone might have been desperate to receive such a letter so as to apply for a scholarship, maybe that letter could have done some justice to the pain that someone might have gone through to applease his parents or maybe, someone might receive a little more love and attention from mum and dad, with that letter in hand.

just maybe, i pray, that i would be that person.

i would have so little to lose if i didnt had received it in the first place. on the other than, the other person might have. because of me, i have placed someone else at the disadvantaged point. i have stolen what little fame the other has. i have taken credit that wasnt mine. maybe, what if she was true. maybe afterall, it wasnt a dream to start off with.

if anyone really had to understand, the only reason i took upon myself two jobs, rowing and rearranging my timetable in such a way that i'll would only have two days of school so that the next few days- i'll be at work, is because im afraid to be loved again. the only reason why im still running is because i cant demand the same kind of attention that i used to when i was little. things were different when i was little, there was so much i could ask for with my voice, but now, when i use it, an argument always start off.

the only reason why i hate going home is because, im reminded of the lack of attention. i am reminded that as an 18- year old i have responsibilities to take, and i cant forever depend on my family for any love or affection. i dont blame my busy schedule for pulling me away from this family, i dont blame my lack of voice for wanting more, i dont blame anyone for understanding what im going through, i just blame myself for being the middle child.

i blame myself for what i've made my life to be.
the path that i have chosen to take with no regrets but hate.
i cant have what was past-
i cant be the child that wants to be loved.

run my love,
run as fast and far as you can,
run to a place where people will love you,
run to where you will be loved.

2008-07-02T21:26:00.004+08:00

the greatest sin of all times- the icecream and waffle dribbled with honey and a generous helping of mocked cream.
the highlites, the movie treat and the sugar rush!

michelle especially hates this picture;D she says she was caught off guard but i love that look on her face of total boredom; D sorry michelle but this picture tickles my funny bone.

once again- i dont know if she didnt like it because 1) i was hogging on her cam 2) i didnt pose a picture with her in it 3) she got tired of me self camm-ing all the time

now that's a pretty picture of us.

this one- she was happy because she was inside; D you should have seen her shoes ! it was so nice! ha;D michelle, you look like a duck here.

this was my state of sugarness after eating my waffles- oo my waffles. oh gosh, my eyes looks like those of a japanese- you know how traditional japs used to have only eye slits.

this is why i sld never eat icecream and waffles on a regular basis.

thank you michelle for that day; D i enjoyed myself!

2008-07-02T21:08:00.002+08:00

KUNF FU PANDA!

the show is hell funny. you guys should definately watch it after an exhausting day of running around. i thought i was going to doze off to sleep halfway during the movie but the nachos were good. hell good. we finished the whole packet of the two that i rushed to get after work at coles while michelle went to get macs for lunch.

not bad for being a staff at macs- she got half the price of the meals that we were getting. so we only had to pay $4 each for a meal that costs $7.95, and i got 2 packets of nachos for $4. i mean working at dk and subway does has its benefits and i sldnt be complaining as i get all the freebies, be it drinks, donuts or subs.

pandamonium was a good term to decribe the movie. i never thought pandas could kickbox, slam dunk and even do kungfu. i loved the part where the cameras slowed the timeframe when po's fat ass smashed the villian's cheek. hell funny; D we both laughed so loudly- it became infectious.

i especially love the monkey character played by jackie chan- i thought they were both funny and he played his character really well. oh gosh, the best part was when po scrambled up, 10 metres off the floor, to find his jar of cookies. after the credits were showned- there was a small clip, where the monkey was frantically digging his hands into the jar to find his cookies only to have po standing outside with a mouthful of cookies.

after the movie, we went to gelare for icecream and waffles. its half price tuesday for waffles! we shared a waffle with two scoops of spendid cookies and cream and triple chocolate icecream. not to mention- after every sugar rush, i get a lil sugar high. i did. it was bad. even kim at dk was asking me if there was ever a time where i would stop laughing and smilling at life; D. michelle said i was going bonkers and she kept teasing me that im high.

i was, that night.
and every laughter i take home brings out a better tommorrow.
for me and for everyone else.

2008-06-28T22:32:00.002+08:00

thank you subway!

finally, a job where there is no politics, great friends and a very generous boss. it's been a hell of a ride back in donut king, ann's being such a ms. bossy- she's getting on almost everyone's nerves other than the other boss, often taking breaks when its busy out there and making us do the whole load of work.

wendy, the co-owner of carousel subway offered me a job there after hearing about my limited shifts at donut king. she even joked that their subway uniform would be a whole lot better on my skin tone rather than the pink. the next day, i submitted in my resume. within a few days, i got a call from her, and she was happy to meet up with me to settle the shifts i would be doing.

i started work today. everyone was really nice and patient with me. i wasnt the only trainee there- there were others so it wasnt so intimidating in terms of expectations. being my very first day in a totally new environment- from making coffees and hot dogs to making sandwiches and wraps, everyone asked me how my experience was so far, everyone including wendy.

so far, the experience was great. i had really nice customers and great friends to work with. other than just a black sheep in the crowd- from which i had a scolding from just because i placed chillis all over this sub when he only wanted one on each end. wth! he scolded that i was deaf and dumb as i had asked him three times on what salads he wanted. two for getting right on what chillis he wanted- my god. only two and one on each side.

i love the cosy feeling of the environment and the generosity of our boss. for lunch break and before we end our shifts, we get to choose on whether we want to make ourselves a six or foot long sub, wrap or salad to take home or for lunch. i dont care if the pay isnt as good as donut king, but the whole experience was so much better than in the latter, even the number of shifts would be more.

yesterday was my lucky day, other than the trip i had on the slippery floor, a customer gave me a tip- this time it was 5.75 dollars worth in coins. even mark was jealous and he said it had something to do with my charm that was dangerous.

we had circuits this morning for training as the weather wasnt too good for a row in the morning. we didnt have enough crew members to row in a quad so it was settled for doubles but then again, rowing in doubles would be unsteady in the rocky waves. i got dizzy after the second round of circuits and we had to take a 5 min break for me to recover.

stupid period.
but thank goodness you came a week earlier,
i wouldnt risk it with my race next sat.
i need my strength for it.

2008-06-26T22:17:00.002+08:00

break time!

in playschool or kindagarden, as you call it, break times were often spent on finishing up our last spoonful of cereal or soup, and running off to the playground for a game of hide and seek or monkey bars.

when we got on to primary school, hop-stotch was everything to the girls. some of us would skip meals just because others were doing the same, while others had prefect duty to undertake and so only had 10 mins for lunch which wasnt enough. meals went from $4 for a bowl of noodles to 10 cents a seaweed packet.

secondary school was a whole lot different. girls skipped their lunch breaks just to have a game of ball by the field, some would set aside meal time to hear the latest gossip, help teachers run errands for extra work credit or to rush assignments and others were just unlucky and had to stay in class to finish up on overdued work.

university life and study breaks are awesome. from a 30 minute break starting in preschool, it went only with primary school before it extended to a 45 minute break in high school. in university, everything is run differently, breaks are how you wish it to be, skip your lectures or tutorials and all you'll be facing would be a slip of paper stating your out.

at work, i spend my lunch breaks differently. to each his own, we have our own breaks at the times assigned to us. usually its 15 for lunch and the rest of the time for shopping if i have enough to. i was so tired today, that i used the remaining 15 for nap. i slept for the first 15 before i got called up.

'amanda!
'

'amanda! what do you think youre doing?' ann asked.
'clearly, cant you see, im sleeping ann?'
'so this is how you spend your break?'
'yeah, just really tired so another 15 would do be some good'
'alright then'

just when i was about to go into my next ten minutes,
'amanda! hey, did you remember to set your alarm, because if you oversleep, it's your pay that i would be deducting from. '
'dont worry ann, i've got it covered'

'alright, because if you do, you know what happens'
'yeah, i know. good night then.'
'sheesh'

i sleep right throughout till my 15 minutes were over. it was good and apparently, while i was asleep, everyone else in the shop, got a glance at me sleeping so soundly on the table top. boy, was it embarrassing. but the sleep was good- and there might be a second from where it came.

im looking forward to tommorrow's break.

2008-06-26T21:34:00.003+08:00

what a crazy heck of a day; D

waking up for work was absolutely horrible. i couldnt even lift up my head from my pillow and the cold winter mornings just makes me want to snuggle back under the covers. mum had to call me up three times before i could crawl out of bed.

work starts early at 8.30 am finishing at4pm on this busy thursday morning. with only the two of us in the store- and people getting up early for work and their coffees, there was a never-ending line right at the counter. everyone else was at the other store, and poor amy couldnt keep up with the orders and i had to do, 1 and a half of a person's work.

i am so glad that i didnt had any difficult customers to serve that morning. even my patience was wearing thin as i did one order after another, and yet not one single strand of hair on their head stood. they werent angry or upset about waiting but the guilt and consience was feeding in, and i was about to break down- not having been able to keep up till the rest came back.

when the peak hour had passed and the number of customers died down, did i have a break from work- that just means that i managed to get a drink for my hoarse throat. we did a little bitching around since we hadnt caught up on gossip with each other and sthe weirdest thing was, i got to hear both sides of the story from each respective party. when it wasnt safe to bitch anymore with others around, we got on to real business; man-hunting.

there was this really cute guy walking past with a trolley - im thinking around 15-16 years old. but he was awfully hot with his jumper on and we were both crushing so badly, i think we kinda said it loud enough for him to overhear our stupid antics 'omg, i think he's so cute!', that he turned around just as we ducked behind the counter. phew, close.

a second time i did that was when a group of hot taiwanese guys walked past and it was mutual. we both looked, but i ducked right after realising i was watched. omg, it was so embarrassing. when i stood back up, that guy was still checking out and i ducked, this time behind a friend.

they mopped the floors today. i slipped a couple of times when i ran and split in between, ooh it hurts so badly- i know i dont have the extra middle organ stucked in between, but i think i kinda know how being slammed in the balls feels. i slipped a third and fell on my bottom, and the impact was so loud that it caused a commotion with everyone outside of the shop, thank goodness, mark was there to pick me up if not i wouldnt know how i would.

this weekend wouldnt be so boring since we just borrowed like 6 dvd's to watch over the weekend, other than the work shifts and trainings i have scheduled for this weekend. one show for every single day and a rest for sunday, to comemorate sabbath day. work would be busy for the next few weeks or so, as i've just been accepted at subway, so there comes the extra cash flow i've been talking about to fund my crazy shopping sprees.

i got really mood-off just then before dinner, not so much that i lost my appetite, i was starving so i had to ate and decided not to say a word or so, because i know im good at starting out arguments and i really dont need one then. mum made fun of me, she teased the way i used the word 'like' so often in every few of my sentences. 'like that', 'and like', 'so like'. i brushed it away, half heartedly joking that she wouldnt want me to use 'then hor', 'after hor', 'so hor'.

but i was hurt, and i didnt have anyone to tell. so i gulped my pride in, took my dinner and walked away, defeated. i guess i didnt have anything else to tell mum of my day today and maybe not of tommorrow. if there was anyone who would loved to hear my stories and not make fun of me, it would be my blog- you never talk, and that's why i love you.

2008-06-25T22:03:00.004+08:00

dear elvin,

this would most probably be the second last letter i'll be writing to you. the reason i've decided to post this one on my blog is because, if you rather i break the news to your parents, then let my post explain it. the other reason im doing so, is to testify to all those out there, that a long distance r/s is hard to mantain.

it's about time we took this break. ever since that day on friday, when you spoke of it, i havent really gotten myself around to accepting the matter. i thought a week would do you fine- when your mind is off the exams, so i waited for you that one week. i waited till yesterday.

every alternate day we would have online conversations, most of them leading to a big argument, even if it was insignificant to our broken r/s. every morning after that disturbing night would i cry to myself on why things had to take a turn and why we couldnt just let us go.

i cried today on the bus ride home. i cried because i have never felt so hopeless for once, in not being able to save this r/s. i know the fact that im overseas makes it hard for you to talk things out with me, but imagine, what if i was home- i doubt matters would get any better than it is.

elvin, your stubborness is in conflict with mine and i have lost my patience in trying to talk you out of things. i dont want to make the same mistake in believing that in waiting for you, this r/s would become of any better, because we both know that i'll be in for another breakup soon after.

if it is this you want, my happiness at stake, then we'll make things clear once and for all- this is why all conversations between you and i have to stop. it'll help the both of us get over this hurdle. one thing that i can never get is why youre still pulling me back- these conversations that remind the both of us about the past, the happiness that we both lost that faithful day.

elvin, please i beg you. let me go. i cant do this alone. all im asking from you is one more favour, please...help me let you go. help me stop these conversations and smses that just serves to stir up bitter feelings and painful lost memories. help me give you up and face a new phrase of life, one without you in it.

since the breakup, not once have i broken down so badly, feeling like the heavens had abandoned me, so shouldnt you. you should not grieve over what was lost but look forward to what comes forth in life. forget me elvin, forget what we had- all that we had were the memories that should be erased and forgotton. forget us.

i'll be strong for my family and friends. i'll be strong for my sisters and parents, so should you. take a day or two, recover and stand up on your two feet. i know you can do it and i have faith in you. i have the faith that you wont need to worry your parents because your old enough to handle your own matters. i have the faith, that you'll carry on in life.

do this for me. for us, carry on in life without me. without us. just like you were from the start before we met, so would you be now that you have. go on and take the path set forth- like everyone else, you have a bright future ahead of you and you'll achieve great things to come.

good luck my friend,

love,
amanda.

2008-06-25T15:46:00.002+08:00

>>BETTER IN TIME <<

It’s been the longest winter without you
I didn’t know where to turn to
See somehow I can’t forget you
After all that we’ve been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who’s there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realise that I really didn’t know
If you didn’t notice you mean everything
Quickly I’m learning to love again
Im gon’ be OK

Chorus
Thought I couldn’t live without you
It’s gonna hurt when it heals too
It’ll all get better in time
And even though I really I deserve to
It’ll all get better in time

I couldn’t turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I’m dreaming don’t wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that’s the path I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn’t notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I’m learning to love again
Im gon’ be OK

Chorus

Since there’s no more you and me
It’s time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I’ll be fine without you Yes I will

2008-06-24T22:44:00.003+08:00

The faithful day of Saturday, 21st June : Women's Doubles, D Division race.

the picture, as promised. this was taken right after we got fished out from the waters by our coach in a speedboat. as you can see, we were dripping wet, even our insides were soaked.

dont ask, i know the attire outwears my entire shape, making me look like some small gymnastist.

with the next race on the 5th of july,

i'll say: BRING IT ON GIRLS.

2008-06-23T23:11:00.002+08:00

Saturday's Race No. 50 : Women's Division D, Doubles.

the weather was fine and there was great sun at champion lakes that day. everything went just well for the race, everything but the wind. every rower fears the winds, the very main factor of mother nature's gust that we cant control. the high tides and strong currents caused by the bust of winds are good enough to call off a race due to bad weather, other than lightning.

our race started at 2.47pm but we decided to go there a lil earlier to check out the first few races before ours, survey the course route that we were to take, warm up and row the boat to the starting line. that day, the winds were'nt on our side, there were white-capped waves (wind-surfing waves) that capsized many boats in the earlier few races.

we took the prion as our racing boat that day, because of its light weight and slim outline- however, the lightness of the boat is compromised by its unsteadiness in the waters and it usually calls for great balance between the partners. the winds should have been on our side since prion usually tilts slightly to the left because of its shape.

the race started on time. we had to row the boats from the shore end to the starting line and align ourselves with each boat lane. we had lane no. 5, the second furthest from the shore. soon after the shotgun was sounded, we started out with our racing starts- it helps to get the boat moving from a standstill point, which helped us gain an edge over everyone else.

we had a racing plan drawn up for the race. 20 hard strokes and long strides before reaching the half point, with another 20 hard and long strokes till another 4m till the finishing line, where we would do sprints to the end of the line. i guess, during the race, i was so mentally tired that i didnt care what strokes i did at all and just did sprints all the way.

it was so close. just another 3 metres, another 10 more hard strokes and we could have gotten third placing in the Women's Division D Doubles race. if only we hadnt we didnt make a small technical mistake and if only the winds werent against us. we capsized.

yeah, we sucummbed to the mental and physical tiredness and the worn-out state of our muscles. we both looked at the same time to the back. thats at least 2 of our half body weights on one side of the boat. the boat tipped one side and for that one split second, i knew we could have balanced back if not for the winds that were in our direction, thus tipping the whole boat over with little effort.

i know this sounds weird, but we both starting laughing after our coach came with another on the speedboat to rescue. she thought we were just crazy since we were disqualified from the race and yet after all the hard effort and sweat we put into the preparation of the race and itself, we still laughed. we were so tired and exhausted from the race that we didnt even have the energy to swim back to shore and had to be pulled up by my coach into the boat.

the empire took the boat back to the shore and for our very first race, no we didnt come in first, second or third, we didnt even win the race, not to mention we got disqualified and yet we made a name for ourselves when we returned back to shore dripping wet. we were the first team to have capsized in a double boat on their very first race, and 3m from the finishing line.

everyone was shocked by our performance out there in the waters. coach jo was so proud of us that she kept praising us for the amazing racing out there in the white-capping waves. before the race, she told us, winning isnt about everything and for this very first race, winning would be hard for us, but all she ever wanted was for us to row professionally, row with effort and row with perfection, and we did in that race.

everyone else was taken aback by how much more we had till to finished the race. yet, they too were proud of us. Women's Division D: the way the rowing assiociation sorts out your division is by the years of experience you have. there wasnt any Division E racing for Doubles in this race, so my partner and i thought we'll take our chances, try for a D which equates to a year or two of rowing and we hadnt even had that amount of time- just four months was all we got,

a third placing if we hadnt fallen in, hell yeah. we rock! and the best part was that we werent very far behind the first and the second placing just a boat's length behind and half of a boat length in front of the fourth place.

we were immediately famous right after we got on shore- today's performance would mean coach would demand more from our effort in the next quad race that we do on the 5th of july. michelle and johan came to support me, thanks guys, the encouragement and the support really helped me with my confidence for this race.

just when i thought i could run away from all the boat stacking back to the boat shed, we had to row the 5km from champion lakes to salter's point back to boat shed. oh gosh, 1km of hard rowing and now, long distance rowing. we took ages to get back because of the hungry waves made by the 2 jetskis in the area. we spent like 30 just trying to get out of the area without being capsized again from the waves.

i ate like the whole half of the packet of dorritos nachos that i bought and a full serving of rice at dinner. i yawned quite a bit at church- i really didnt have the energy to stay awake for much and dropped into bed by about 945pm.

the race was unexpected but the outcome was favourable.
we loved the support from everyone who came down to support us,
and best of all, we didnt let you down.
we'll aim at greater heights and achieve only the best

go TEAM CURTIN.

2008-06-20T22:04:00.002+08:00

spending 800 dollars a week is really a huge feat.

no kidding, i really did spend over 800 dollars within one week. there are the meals that i have to pay for, the handphone repair bills that i currently paid due to a faulty phone and even for the whole cost of the treadmill.

i guess its kinda normal knowing that most 18 year old kids move out with friends and have to pay for their own accomodation. im not complaining much but the full cost of the treadmill, dont you think that's a little overboard? im just 18 mum, i cant handle the cash debts.

accounting didnt help much. i cant even keep track of my own spending, only the meals are the same price. i cant even afford a lunch that is over 5 dollars and i guess now that i have huge debts to pay up, i might most probably have to give up on weekly shopping treats for myself.

dk isnt giving me enough hours than i can work. in other words, im not max-ing out my capacity. if that's the case, i might most probably find myself another job to keep the money flow. if i cant control it, i can beat it with more money. ha ha.

there is nothing money cant do i suppose.

2008-06-20T21:30:00.002+08:00

i fear the outcomes of tommorrow's race.

i feel the guilt eating up my conscience. in front of everyone else, i have lied. i promised my whole self that i would do well in this race. i promised my coach and my partner that i'll get that first place and now, im losing my mind lying to everyone.

thursday's training was tiring. coach jo, took us out into the waters on a speed boat with johan. halfway through training, i was panting and weezing like an old woman on a treadmill. no wait, i bet my grandmere could run better than me on it. my stamina is really on the low end and its not working out for me and this race.

1200 rows, i dont know if i can even make it. i dont know if i could even win the pride of everyone after the disappointment on the course. i know im stupid to think of failing, but im at ends meet. i know myself and the confidence i have in this race is on the low side.

i have always been confident of anything just not when im being judged along others. i dont like it when my abilities are matched against others of the same. i dont like it when i lose out. i dont like to face competition or exams because in either case, im under pressure to perform and that's not my natural self. it is the pressure that puts me off route and i lose my confidence.

i just pray that the end result of the race would be in our favour, it doesnt have to be first place, all that matters is that we're not in the last. now i fear, since everyone else competiting against would be younger and stronger( having had experience).

2008-06-19T21:42:00.002+08:00

the competition is just around the corner.

oh no, i am seriously not prepared for this race. i mean yeah, there is a first to everything, but not when im not ready. my coach assured us we'll be fine in the race through all our trainings but im afraid to take the next step and leap.

we have been through the course route over twice. red pole with marking/ flag would be half way for us and the boat house would be the end of the race. i know my roles in steering but im not confident to lead the way.

its a long route for my first race. at least 1km in total which equates to 1200 rows or rowing within 5-6 minutes. i know there's no need to worry about the minute count since i have done 6 minutes on a rowing machine and still came out breathing. but this time, there's all the steering and weather conditions to take into note. i might just fall short of the finishing line.

i promised my partner that we'll do well, that we'll strive for the trophy and the glory. yet all the encourgement for her is kinda dipping my confidence low. i want to deliver what i promise and yet im afraid that if it turns out bad, i might not be able to face her.

coach says its all about achieving each stroke and not winning the race. she doesnt demand much from us but just the best that we think we can achieve. she knows we can do it and she has the faith in our partnership. the fact that she's willing to train us for this competition would be because she believed in us, that we would learn well from the experience and take them home.

training was awesome and yet tiring. we watched the moonrise together in the setting atmostphere of the sun and it was soooo huge. the moon was like just across the lake on the other side and it spans across a huge distance. it was so wonderful, just as it was getting dark. the skies were purple-orange from a combination of a setting sun and the darken skies. what's more that we love was the water. it was gorgeous today.

johan fecthed me from work to training today since he was at carousel hanging out with his mates. it wasnt my fault he stayed till the end of my training. i didnt force him- oh okay i did partly, BUT he also wanted to watch me train; D. he took the speedboat out with joanne and boy, was it a good experience to build up his passion for rowing again.

you see, johan used to row in high school part of a curriculum activity just like us. but, since it was leisure, there wasnt much pressure to row and people go and come. so friendships that were forged lose its presence once, these people graduate. i wanted him to join rowing again, you know as a sport rather than doing nothing at home. he liked the idea and yeah, he's willing to try out in next year's intake of juniors.

ps: i didnt tell him this, but if he joins, woohoo, i get a ride each time for training ; D and we could have lunch after training like what the canoeing guys do back home after 6pm training.

since training ended late, he fetched me home and we picked out dvd's at my community area because, i was desperate for entertainment at home. there would usually be nothing left around to do- that's why i work and train. but i cant do neither of them at night- that's why the dvd's play a big role in my life; D it was funny, because i told him which to pick and he ended up picking all those i disliked- horror, gore, blood and spook. idiot guy.

oh gosh, i think im too pampered to be sent home almost everytime it gets dark; D not good, the dependency will drive me insane if there are cases that i dont have a ride. i have to really start working on my driving notes- take the theory test and set forth from there. but first, i have to consult the money in my bank account.

everything around me evolves through money. no money, no shopping. little or no money, cut down on shopping and meal prices. its not too bad, but i think the folks at subway have all made friends with me because i regularly go there to eat, cant help it when all i can afford is a ham 6-inch sub 5 dollars and thats all. i cant limit shopping but i can limit the amount of food that i eat outside.

i cant help it, i have huge debts to pay currently and future debts to pay- the running machine unfortunately comes out from my whole pocket. mum wont pay a single cent on it. the phone repair that i had recently which came up to a whooping 148 dollars was tightening the reins i had for shopping allowance. it's not good, even mum wasnt on my side on this matter since she presumes i have to pay for my consequences. in total, that amounts to at least a good 600 plus to cover my debts and that would take me a week of working non- stop to pay it up.

not to mention, the huge bills i have to pay for driving if i were to take the next step. its a four digit figure and that scares the shit out of me. my bank acc is only made up of a four as well and with all the paychecks gone to pay up for fees, i guess all i have left is a few dollars to buy myself a hot wheels racer car.

for all my efforts work, everything goes down to just a hot wheels car. now that's what i call a sad life and im living it.

the rules of the game are as such,
and im stuck in a loop hole.
dammit.

2008-06-17T22:29:00.002+08:00

let me let you go.

dear elvin,

please help me let you go.
help me forget about you, help me to let you go, help me move on in life.

all this while, i've been telling everyone even myself that i'm dealing well with this breakup. i thought i could manage without you in my life, without your daily smses to keep me going through the day or even the times where we used to have fun together when i was back in singapore. i thought that i was strong enough on the inside to face up to reality, but i wasn't.

now that exams arent here anymore to keep me occupied, neither can work or training help to alleviate the emptiness that i feel everyday, not knowing if you'ld ask me one day, just one day, that i'll be yours again. but, we cant carry on from where we left on, because its all past.

when i was with you, everything felt like love. everyday felt like yet another wonderful memory would be created and every year, we'll be waiting for the day that we'll meet again.
every year, you'll celebrate my birthday with me knowing that my birthday would be incomplete without you, you took time off just to celebrate our every month and even valentine's day.

i never had a valentine's day before not till i met you. i had never felt love before you showed up and not once have i been spoilt so much before even as a kid. im sorry elv, but i cant forget you. i cant give this r/s up as though i had never been in it before, i cant just brush it off knowing that this was not supposed to be the ending. i know there would be a better time for us, for this, but i dont know when. i know that no matter how hard i try to forget you, i just cant.

do you know how hard it is to forget you? to pretend that you're still by my side, but it's not the same. to keep telling myself that we'll be together soon somehow, but face the uncertainty of that decision. the time, my dear friend, is drifting us apart and the more i try to hold on, the stronger the pull away from you. i cant wait forever for an answer. i cant wait for you forever. i cant depend on the dreams we had to wait for you, not forever.

i cried at work today and i fought so hard to keep the tears from flowing out. i had to wipe them off my face and pretend that nothing had happened. it was so hard to resist the memories. a customer and his girlfriend bought a mudcake at our store today. she wanted it so badly and kept nodding her head when he asked her if she really wanted it, he bought it for her. gone are the days, where i used to get pampered with sweets and chocolates, or even jellybeans for that matter. now that im single, the only other person who would do that for me, would be me.

i guess mum was right, it would be sooner or later i would need that shoulder to cry on. the time would come, she warned me where i would feel so broken down inside that it'll leave me so messed up within that i would have to stop acting as though im fine and let it all go. she said, that all good things come to an end wherether we like it or not, and mine came a little sooner than i had gotten myself ready for. mum said that no matter how far i run, i cant hide forever and keep telling myself, im fine when im not and that every person has to stand up and face it.

i dont think i would have the courage to stand up for myself. i dont think i would be able to forget you. i doubt that life would move on for me and my world would still be standing on 6th june 2008, the day we broke up.

on that faithful day, my friend, i knew that it'll be hard to let you go, and that is why im asking you to help me please. help me to forget you, help me to let you go and help me to move on with my life where the date reads 17th june of 2008 instead.

love,
amanda.

2008-06-16T22:59:00.002+08:00

money makes the world go round.

alright, i know all the preachings going about even in emails on what money cant buy, but from what i do know, money makes my world go round. i dont mean literally round but yeah, you get where im drifting from, it makes me happy.

it was actually quite surprising that i had spent under $100 right after being released from my last paper. you have no idea how excited i was- finally going back to work ( i still dont like my boss but like i said, money makes my world go round and its all professionally for the paycheck), training hard during the week, hanging out with friends and even spending time with my television shows.

michelle was really a bad influence, from eating dimsum for lunch which left me $20 lesser in cash terms (we kinda gorged on the food- but spore dimsum is still a whole lot better) and lunch took us and hour and a half, since other than part time eating, we were on full time gossiping. it's funny how you place two singaporeans together and you get a whole lot of auntie's gossip- from how cute the toddler was to how hot the waiters were or spying what people were eating.

we went on a shopping spree in town after that and bought clothes from JayJays and some jewelly from Diva, the thing was that both of us had ran out of cash- and had no choice but to resort to the eftpos method of credit sale. i bought earrings, a strip t-shirt and a black army print winter jacket. i'll take pictures of me in them once i start wearing them.

we went to look for boots but figured out i wasnt cut out for boots. it was weird shopping for shoes since i dont normally do so and the only few pairs of shoes i have are my converse sneakers, thongs, skate shoes, running nike shoes and a pair of black slippers. we were laughing all the way while trying out different cuts, lengths and styles of boots. to think i was a size 4 and i found it different to stuff my feet into a pair of boots with a size 6 on it. i was struggling and everyone of laughing, even the assistant beside me. we try on another pair and i took it out with so much force and relieve that i hit against the side of the cupboard.

oh gosh, i miss my shopping days with my girlfriends. having spent that much today, tommorrow's work should be able to cover up most of the cash out from my bank account. after shopping, its the reality you face in your bank savings. but for all its worth and its short-term happiness, im willing to take on another shopping spree.

and michelle, you are still a bad influence but im learning fast.

2008-06-14T00:03:00.002+08:00

it'll all be over soon,

the exams. somewhere it has to end, the line doesnt go on forever and it just stops somewhere. everything that starts off somewhere has to stop and it stops the very day on monday when my last exam finishes. life loves makes a whole big joke out of you when you a whole lot of problems to deal with and it comes so at an opportunity when one problem has left you.

the breakup couldnt find itself a much better opportunity than this, where having to deal with it just before exams was a nightmare. i know everyone hates the forecoming of exams but i was rather relieved when it came- at least it directed some of the pressure towards studying hard. i havent thought about the breakup ever since friday. to this date, its a week since then and im coping good, just not yesterday.

i couldnt sleep well, having thought about the real consequences about such a move, about why it has to happen at such a point in our r/s or even why everything has to be given up because of theman reason to which this r/s was build upon.

on that very day, friday the 7th, my heart broke for the very first time. that very day, life decided to teach me a lesson, for all the r/s i have been trying to run from and for all the r/s i havent felt anything for another and of which, i've broke many hearts, i tasted how bitter it was to be dumped. i tasted the how hope feels when everything's been lost, when everything you had worked so hard for just crumbles in front of you by the person you trusted the most. i tasted distrust and the bitterness of anger.

on that day, everything felt like a nightmare. a real one, where life just makes a mockery out of you and leaves you in the sight of the whole world to deal with it. there comes a point in time where you have to deal with your problems, where running wouldnt be an option anymore, where all i've ever knew was to run when i got scared, but even for now, i couldnt run and hide from my problems because i'll be running into it. i couldnt run up to the very guy, that i tell all my secrets to, that i share part of my life with when all the problems that im dealing with now are part of this r/s.

once after exams are over. i am toasted because for the very fact, i wouldnt have anything to hide to. i do know that even if i were to take a second job, it wouldnt solve the problems that i have because eventually, i would stop running, because eventually, i would have no where else to hide, because eventually, i know that i have to face up to what happened, deal with it, forget it and move on.

here is a toast to all the people out there who have just went through bad times, for the people who have problems that they are running from, for those out there who have lost someone whom they have love to sickness and death or even from r/s and for those people who are strong to take the next step in life, the courage to face up to their problems and those who forget those mishappenings, life would move on, for you and for all those around you.

and i say, that for all those people, i admire you. i admire the will and the strength that you have in taking the next step, for trusting in what life brings forth and for learning to forgive.

you are an inspiration to what i see in life.
thank you.

2008-06-06T21:30:00.002+08:00

if you love someone,

here are some funny jokes with relation to the above phrase. i thought it was pretty funny; D

Suspicious: If you love someone, Set her free ....If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient: If you love someone, Set her free ....If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.

Salesman: If you love someone, Set her free ....If she ever comes back, deal! If she doesn't, so what! "NEXT".

Schwarzenegger's fans: If you love someone, Set her free, SHE'LL BE BACK!

Insurance agent: If you love someone, Show her the plan ....If she ever comes back, sign her up, If she doesn't, keep follow up with her and never give up!

Lawyers: If you love someone, Set her free, Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of theMatrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that....

Mathematician: If you love someone, Set her free ....If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!), If she doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c is the infinite constant of no turning point.

and baby, the last one should help you out quite a bit.

If you love someone WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE SET HER FREE???

CARELESS IDIOT!!!

smirks;D

2008-06-04T22:54:00.003+08:00

work would never be the same anymore;(

everything's just changed, ever since you guys left. the anticipation for work just seems to have dissipated into thin air. i dont even know why im even still in the job. i mean, if its not for the customers that i love, i would be running out of that store in this very minute. i dont even know what seems to be driving me to continue with work without you guys around.

i was that kid, the one who was always begging mum for a little more icecream. i used to love my job and now i dont. i mean, this is just not the way that i had been expecting to feel for my job. i always had the passion to serve others, to provide a little extra service to make any person's day or even go the extra mile for them, but yet now, i just dont feel the same, not with them.

i used to look forward to working because i had friends. i had friends who would watch my back and help me out with my orders when i get hand-tied. i had friends who would ask me about my life, friends who would do stupid things like (hiding in the smallest cupboard or to snacking during duty corners in the so called 'amanda's lil corner'). but with them gone, its just not the same.

but looking forward to work with the kind of people im currently working with, sometimes just puts me off. it is double the amount of workload that i have to put on my shoulders when they're around. i gues alyssa wouldnt find it surprising but yes, i love to bitch,just like any other girl who loves it. for a small shop, there's a lot of politics floating around. the amount of gossip that force themselves into my ears have made me, once the angel-now the devil.

i never wanted to be caught in the middle of this politcal battlefield. sometimes, even my conscience bites hard when i participate in it as well. when i knew i should have been the one to stop it all, i just mess things up. look where it has brought us to. a bunch of colleagues who cant work together. or in my store sense, its just the three of us against the store manager.

yes, i know its just wrong, ganging up against your manager. but hey, if she's the bitch and you have almost everyone else on your side, you cant say youre in the wrong. she just is the way she is. with her, work is dreadful because she makes it so. if you picture it, she's the lil devil in the red costume with the forkstand and trust me, that fork does prick hard.

just for this night, i'll be the world's most hated bitch; D

this are a list of things i have come up with on why i hate my store manager so much. she:

takes as many breaks as she declares (oh hail the queen --eww)
hates it when you order her around since she's the MANAGER and so gives you the frustrated look when you ask for service--> ooo i forgot you're too busy, YOU'RE MANAGER.
still dares to ask for a coffee when clearly, i was busy with a customer's order
is a total bitch when she orders you around because she cant be bother to take orders herself
pretends she's busy with managerial paperwork while we're busy in the front since she is still able to chat on the phone with family.
doesnt bother to help out since she declines to help you out with any tasks when you ask
loves faking that she's just new--and gives all sort of excuses as to not being to take an order
is manager but that doesnt mean she could have long breaks without helping out and she's nice enough to give herself those hours, which she didnt work out for
looks scary with her crooked smile. i know this sounds mean-- she looks like the peguinn guy with the crooked smile in batman one. i prefer if she didnt smile.

and lastly, No. 10. this is my favourite.

she tells all of us that she doesnt care a damm if we cant work with another person. she doesnt care if we cant get along as long as that person is in duty and in charge, we have no choice but to abide to their rules. she claims that we're just for the pay and if we wanted to keep our jobs, it's best we stick on since we're only most probably going to see that person for only workshifts. well said, if it came someone i trusted not you.

her daughter works with us as well and by far as i have heard from mother daughter r/s, they have issues. strong issues that havent been solved--leading to much regretted tension in the work if the two of them were put together. well, if she had meant what she said, they her daughter would not need to have been in slot for the other shop just because of family tension.

i reckon, anyone who takes the managerial position should be able to set aside work and family. even for anyone who is working, that is. if it was really that hard between her daughter and her and she had to sent her to the other shop, what does it say about the first rule that she said? doesnt if reflect badly on her? i suppose it only looks good in her colour.

i miss the good guys. i have been playing with the bad guys for all too long. i cant even remember if i was ever good to start with. for once again, i want to love my job, not to force myself out of bed early just to drag my feet to work for the pay. i want to serve customers and meet new colleagues and to work with them, meet new friends and love them. especially love them not hate them.

i dont want to be the bitch that im turning out to be.

f.ck

2008-05-28T22:43:00.002+08:00

oh no, i hate her.

i know im not a very fond person at hating others. i hardly ever do, but she's just exceptional. i mean really, she has to be like the second person i hate, all over a span of two years. i must be a total bitch for hating her. not really, since jake (the nicest guy on planet) doesnt like her too!

dont ask me why, but im not the only one she's driving nuts. she practically driving everyone else nuts. her attitude towards work, the way she carries out her work and even the way she talks to us (to her, we're just mere youngsters who shouldnt get her attention since we're younger than her), they're just some of the reasons why everyone's put off.

if youre the typical clean freak, trust me you wldnt like to work with trudy. she leaves the whole place in a mess, pretends to do something else when youre busy with something youre with as well and then takes a customer's order from you, leaving you the dirty job of having to clean up after her. she's a full grown, not to ,mention oversized lady and she expects me to clean up for her because she's just cant be bothered to do so and prefers to serve customers instead.

she is youre little miss-boss-around since all she ever does is to boss you around since she just feels like. the only person who even likes her is carry, the manager. everyone understands the company's structure, if youre on top you get the respect and the other side of the coin if youre below. that's pretty much of the reason since everyone else is a junior.

for the second time in my life, i hated my name. i really detest my name being called out. it was crazy, every few minutes and she just cant cope with the amount of sales just because she stands there chatting with customers and doesnt want to get her hands dirty preparing the food. well, yeah missy, i see you have nice manicures on your fingers. love that but hate you.

i was right. the fact that i didnt get her respect would mean that all i had said to her fell on deaf ears since she didnt even take any notice of it. every single time i ask her to clean an area she leaves it. one incident: she was in my way when i was cleaning the donut robot so she offered to clean it for me since she was in a nice position (sitting) so she could do it easier without me stretching over her entire mass to reach. i left and came back and still she hasnt even started. now that was at least a good 5 minutues. i questioned and she bluntly gave me the excuse that she would when she has left the seat. guess what, she left the position to serve a customer in the next few minutes and totally forgot about the machine after that. thanks a lot.

how unfair would life be when you come face to face with trudy. the only reason why she's still in the job is because she doesnt go to school, has two kids, is not married and living with her partner of which she's the only breadwinner and therefore, would have the time to work as a full time staff. that's mainly the only reason crissy is still keeping her in this job even so everyone else doesnt agree.

she has this dual personality thing going on that really freaks me out. since she can be sooo totally nice when taking customer's orders and really mean when ordering us around. that's not the only good part. we quarreled a couple of times and a few customers saw us doing so. i felt really bad, i mean the whole service experience. we should have took it out somewhere else.

she pisses off everyone except kerrie since she's the only one who understands how a single motehr would feel raising two kids. she even does so for crissy and tracey. they both hate her guts since she told on tracey's departure to a customer which left gossips spreading.

i dont know how anyone can stand her. not even me.

2008-05-24T17:31:00.004+08:00

for all its worth, 15km.

dont ask me why the event is named as the 2008 olympic rowathon. i have never seen myself in the idea of competing in the nationals or even in any global olympics. however, the event was as such named and our teams went for a slow row to raise funds for our club.

normally, trainings are usually just 2.5km that we row with water-based techiques to help us row better and that is if we have nice water. the only mother nature factor that scares us rowers is the wind. small winds arent that bad. its the strong and violent ones that play us hard. for us, the hot scorching sun and the cold rain are all something we can take control of- caps and jumpers.

rowing 15km was a killer. its sucide. even for normal trainings, the most we do is 2.5km and 15km is really a big jump from that. not to mention that fact that we rowed non-stop for 15km till we reached the end point of the checkpoint. yes, it was crazy but we all wanted to escape from the rain and the violent winds that were gaining on us as we rowed.

even in singapore, the most i've paddled was 12km in canoeing. not to mention, the number of times i treated myself to some of mac's waters because i was so thirsty and also considering the number of breaks i gave myself because i didnt have anyone pushing me. now, that 12km was comprised of 6km front and back. this rowathon was a straight route all the way till the finish line.

the scenery was exceptional. it was so serene and beautiful. never before, have i seen such peaceful and delicate countryside houses. it was spectacular. we saw a miniature waterfall by the side of a jetty and farmstays with grazing pens. now, that 15km of scenery.

now, the advantage of rowing in a quad also has its disadvantage on the flip side of a coin and that is slackers like me. 15km was a long way to go and i was getting restless 3/4 of the way to the finishing point. rowing is beautiful because all it requires is the same set of movements. stretch out, square the blades- chop into the water and pull with the slide, feather back. thats about it all.

unlike any other sport like has a game plan or any winning strategy, rowing doesnt have any. all it has are a bunch of motivated people with their eyes set upon the finishing line. nothing more, nothing less. thats the beauty. its boring you know. the same set of movements every stroke. i couldnt help it but dozed off a couple of times. i was glad that my oars did not collide with any others. now, i said a few. thats all. i woke up right after that.

once we reached the finishing point, we started comparing the amount of blisters we had on our hands. gosh, galatee's ones were bad. she was in the stroke seat meaning the front of the boat and me the bow, the back of the boat. i had very bad blisters myself and my kneecaps were shaking hard from all the sliding we had to do while rowing on a slide.

angeline went gaga over this guy in our club. she claimed that he was also in the same school as her and she was so glad that they were in the same club, my gosh, i have never seen a girl so crazy over a guy and trust me, he isnt even hot for my taste. i mean, even i wldnt go gaga over any guy except for my babe of course.

i must say all that rowing did really make us all hungry and crazy over food. it was weird but 3/4 of the journey, the same time i was dozing off, i smelt like mcdonalds hashbrown. ooo it smelt so real and good. i think i was hallucinating then but woke up immediately when i have splash water at.

after the row, there was a sausage sizzle and me and galatee took a bite out of 2 sausages in a bun each. haha! im a good influence when it comes to food- she took the idea of 2 sausages pretty well and funny though, i got commented on my sauce decorating skills on a hot dog. how weird is that comment? thank you donut king for the countless number of times i had to make hotdogs for customers. haha! you taught me well in that skill. how weird.

oh, did i tell you guys that for competition purposes, we have to wear this cool wet suit for rowing purposes. how cool is that? yeah but the price is still reasonable, 30 dollars for a wetsuit sounds pretty okay now that im working. im hoping to get the pictures off angeline for todays rowathon.

i learnt one thing from today's rowathon and that is if you want something, strive for it!

if you dreamt of it, achieve it.

and in all, if you believe in it, ,make it real!

know it, want it, seek it, strive it, achieve it!

oh gosh, I LOVE ROWING.

cheers, team mates, you did well in today's rowathon and im looking forward to the medals we're going to achieve in next weeks tournament. GO TEAM CURTIN!

2008-05-22T22:44:00.002+08:00

i have to learn now or never!

i know i have caused everyone here to worry about whether i'll be home by the sunset or if i would be early for training or even arrive for work on time. i know i have asked many favours from all of you to fetch me because i was the only eighteen-year-old girl that hasnt learnt driving because she is just so full of herself that she wouldnt even bother about the petrol you've wasted on picking me up. she's just so obsessed in life; working hard to earn for her living and studying to be the best for her parents that she just wouldnt find any time to spare a thought.

im sorry guys. i know i have caused enough trouble, asking for a ride every now and then just because i didnt have transport early in the mornings. well, for once, im going to set things straight. i am going to learn driving and i should be able to pass by this year or even august if i get my exam schedule on time.

i know the cost of a car would be expensive and no doubt, i would have to pay for my own petrol bills, car maintenance fees and even the car. well, mum already stated it clearly, i have to pay everything that is not related to school. rowing likewise came from my own pocket, my first paycheck and it felt really bad. likewise for a car, it'll come from my own pocket, i wont say how much i have with me now, but it should be enough to buy a 1998 car with a few savings leftover to sustain the rising petrol costs.

i was reluctant driving at first, the fees and costs of examinations and driving lessons. i cant even afford rowing now, what more driving and even more so the petrol costs to keep up with? im no superwoman. i have a life and that is to study hard so as to earn a better income in the future, not pushing myself so hard like some buffalo on the plough fields with small returns so that i could sustain my hunger just a little more so before dinner is due.

my life is going to change and i am aware of it. i know i would have to work double jobs if i needed the extra cash to help me keep with with my bills. im a adult now. an eighteen-year-old and mum holds me in high regard to support myself. i know i can do it but at the expense of my studies?

i dont know how much longer i can keep up with this. im losing my momentum in life. the clock would eventually stop ticking when the batteries run out and so would i.

one day, i would just be a hopeless, just-for-nothing that i had achieved to be.

a nobody.

2008-05-21T21:19:00.002+08:00

work is driving me nuts!

friday is almost here and tracey's leaving this job for her own good, now ours. everyone that's coming into to fill up the work position is just not good enough to fill her position. tracey's just so nice and everyone else i know just treats customers as though they are customers. to them, work is just earning money for the business and doing just what the company's protocol tells them to do- serving customers because its a service business.

i dont know, but i just dont feel the same way about my job, my job in serving customers. well, i totally feel that both of us want something, they our products and us their money. but that goes beyond just wanting something in exchange for another right? i mean, i feel that a simple greeting and cheery smile would go a long way into making the best sevice experience any person would want.

other than serving customers, i feel there's this need to communicate about them, us or either way. i mean, like my customers who approach me, well, we usually have short conservations not just lasting the time of which i serve them but it lasts till the next visit i see them again.

well, this security man that i know always orders the same meal. we usually have a good old chat while i prepare his meal. like, he tells me about whats happening recently in his life from being dicthed on a dinner date to a leg injury causing him leave from work for a week. he's happy with the service and the extra bit of chat. i mean it adds onto my work experience.

i love my customers but others in the same service business as me just dont seem to see it my way. to them, serving a customer ends the minute they walk off with their service experience. others feel earning a profit at the end of the day makes working worthwhile but i see it in a different way. i feel, at the end of the day, its serving the customers that makes your day, or night.

i usually get small heart seizures when i see wasted food in the bin after a day's sale. we cant give it away since its bad marketing strategy. i wouldnt want my business in the drops because of all the free giving food. i hate to see food being dumped into the bin after the end of the day because nobody wants to pay for donuts at the end of the day.

my day's been a mess. work was a total fix for me and i cldnt deal with the stress so much that i broke down outside of the shop. brad was in a total mess. he was sick and he came to work. i had to deal with his emotional feelings while tracey was on her lunch. he gave me the excuse that he hates cleaning so i ended up with the work load of having to clean all the cupboards by myself while he serves customers. while tracey had her lunch, it was just me and him in the shop.

now this was when things got bad. he got so frustrated with work that he vented out his feelings on both myself and the customers. what? no coffees and teas for a whole half an hour till tracey is back just because youre too sick to carry on just making some cups of coffee? i did all the other work from running across the shop to taking things for the customers and all you do is stand on yoru spot, making coffees. you should see his face when he yelled at me to close the machine down because he couldnt take the stress. he was almost in tears.

so i thought since i've learnt a lil on making coffees, i could help him out on some coffees. i was wrong. it was shit. i didnt know how to use my theory and apply it onto practical. i guess i asked too many questions that brad was pissed off. i guess he's right. i would if i was sick i guess. the one question i asked and am still doubtful over his answer was over if i should pour water into coffee. he got so frustrated that he blew up at me and thats when i walked off minding my own business. well, i served other customers, stayed a distance from him and limit the amount of talking we had to do. he's shit when hes sick. but why take it upon the customers?

damm i dont understand this service business thing.

god help me!

2008-05-20T22:09:00.002+08:00

Tracey's leaving?

this is bad news. why her and not someone else? why my boss is not one of the other collegues i dislike working with? everyone's a little upset at the shop these few days since she was leaving by friday. everyone except one girl, everyone except trudy.

now, the funny thing is, everyone thinks im the nice girl. everyone thinks that i never get angry and pissed off at someone else even if i was. well, yeah i am pissed off with trudy and no one else in the whole shop likes working with her, no one including mr nice jake. now, everyone perceives jake to be the nice friendly guy. jake doesnt like working with trudy either, it was so bad that he kpet finding excuses to help out in the foodcourt end rather than at trudy's end.

things have been so bad that the two shops have been divided into two workforce. everyone against trudy is at the foodcourt end ( the bigger shop) while only kerrie and trudy are in the other. this is the result of a policy passed by boss' boss, crissy. that policy was that no one is to work at the oher end if trudy was around other than kerrie. this would help minimise tension.

brad's going to quit his job since tracey is leaving. he wouldnt carry on if he couldnt get along well with the new manager. well, he's not the only stupid one doing so, everyone else is having the same thoughts about leaving if the other leaves as well since working together wouldnt be the same anymore.

there's nothing to spur me to go for work anymore other than the money involved. brad wont be there if he leaves as a result of tracey's dismissal and if anyone else does so, i dont know if i can even carry on either.

i have competions each week till june and maybe more after that. this saturday would be the rowing fundraiser and the week after next, my first competitive rowing and so would be june 21st. i have to start running everyday to get my medal!

i'll see you guys again. cheers; D

2008-05-18T20:17:00.002+08:00

Assignments long gone!

i know its pretty stupid to say this, but i miss having assignments. i dont know either, it just keeps me on my toes, ya'know. i mean all the rushing to finish it so as to submit it by the very next day, chasing group members to do their fair share of load and the late nights munching on donuts to keep myself awake.

if i had a choice between examinations and assignments. i rather group assignments (that is if i get good ones) to sitting for an exam. well, at least the strain on my brain only days for those days leading to a assignment instead of worrying everyday on the major examinations.

i spent the whole of sunday, lazing around, watching the telly and eating loads of junk food. this is the very reason why i need work to keep myself busy. i have to cut down on the laziness and the intake of sinful food into my system. i just want one sunday to laze about. next sunday, no more lazing about, i have to start studying.

well, i guess for all that hard work put into my assignments, it was a good rest i had today after a tough but fufilling training at salter's point. we went out into a quad again. i guess we kinda' stuck to our seating arrangments. im in the stroke seat meaning, the back of the boat, number 3. in other words, since rowing is backwards, the back of the boat which you know becomes the front of it. so im 3rd from front, or 2nd from back.

we've been training hard for the 11km that we're going to do for the fundraiser event on 24th may, which is just next week. but today's training paid off. it was great! we did more than a few hard strokes which really left me breathless but there was so much power and drive in each stroke. however, it was a great effort knowing that we rowed for 2.5km out away from the boat club. the week after next, i would officially have my first competition. we're hoping that the team would come together then;D

oh, did i mention, i love the money flowing into my bank account. you can never imagine how much shopping around i have done already and..., yes, its all for the things i need, i never overspend, well not always. hehe;D i bought myself a pair of gloves for training equipment and im investing into a good dry fit training apparel and cap. the next move im going to take is buying a running machine. i need that for the winter seasons if i still plan to maintain my figure and stamina for races;D

i'll blog soon again.

i love you guys! hugs and kisses;D

2008-05-16T23:01:00.002+08:00

my body ain't keeping up with my study and work schedule. it has failed me in the past last week and it just keeps getting worse these days.

if its not school that i have to attend, its work in order to earn myself a living and even if it ain't both of them, its training hard to win the team and myself a gold medal at the state competitions. i train my mind to consider the possibilities of striving to be a better person for others, to take some pressure off my dad on my living expenses, to earn myself a graduate degree and to make other proud of what i have become.

my body has to take on the toll of which, i have placed heavy responsibilities upon these fragile shoulders support. i dont know how much longer i can go on, making everyone else happy at the expense of my health.

my health is detoriating. the late nights spent on studying and rushing for assignments hav'nt done much good to my health. every few morning feels like a pain to get out of bed. it is on those few mornings that i feel the whole weight of the world is borne by my shoulders alone. the pressure to hold on is straining on my health- i have bills to pay, meals to eat, school to go to and training to attend.

i need a break but this would mean i'll be losing out on paychecks that would be needed to cover up for my expenses at school. the june break is not far away.

i pray for this nightmare to relieve itself. i pray that anyone who would become 18 this year would not fall into the same pit i have landed myself into, i pray that GOD would save me from falling.

i pray that my body would hold on for the sake of my life.

2008-05-14T19:49:00.002+08:00

hey guys, i am so really sorry that i hav'nt blogged in ages. i cant even remember when and on the day itself when i should have went to blog, i didnt. my 18th birthday. im cant say how surprised i have been to see your posts up on my tag blog wishing me a happy birthday, and yet i was'nt blogging, yet alone online- i was rushing for assignments on my birthday.

yes, it was sad. my 18th birthday spent on group meetings, work and buying a television. yeah i was weird. everyone's birthday present was a television bought on my birthday, dinner was mud cake and just a small celebration. it was small and yet cosy. i couldnt have imagined better with clubbing or drinking though, im hoping to do so soon when im back home in singapore.

cheers to being 18.

yet on the other side of being 18, there comes responsibility. great responsibility rested upon you by your parents for being able to support yourself. i cldnt have imagined myself in such a spot either till i got myself a job. i had the wrong mindset when i landed myself a job. i got so desperate to find myself a job, to earn a little extra pocket cash to support my shopping needs. i wldnt say my job was terrible, it's really good. i loved it just not the responsibility of supporting myself through university.

it was devastating the night when i had a quarrel with mum over what i should finance myself through. the quarrel went so bad till the point that i had to leave the conversation. it boiled down to the fact that i had to pay for everything except school fees. it was terrible. i took the whole week after that hard. my meals went from a full meal with a drink to just a drink itself. i had to budget myself to just 5 dollars a meal. a simple under 5 would be a large frozen coke which i had to survive on for the whole day till dinner at 6.

the pay was good. in two weeks, i got my pay and it was terribly good. i never felt so happy on my hardwork. yet soon enough, it was all spent on my rowing fees would amounted to 260. mum wldnt pay for that since it was a co-curricular activity which means it had no concern which school.

in other words, anything without any relationship to schooling, it comes from my pocket. i wldnt love being 18 even if i was, yet i consider myself really lucky to have accomodation and food without having to pay for any of them.

however, that night's conversation still stays embedded in my mind. ' help your dad loosen some of the pressure he has to support us now that youre working. i think you should support yourself and help your dad out'.

everyone knows im stubborn and yes i am. i cant help it when you place a dare in front of me, i bite on it like bait hooked on a fishing line. i know im a stupid fish, reeled to death but yet, i want to because of that dare you made. to this mum, i say i will support myself and soon enough i will support myself including next year's schooling fees. i will release some of the tension on dad since he'sthe only one working as for now. to my 18th birthday, this is my wish for you, that i would some day take upon the same burden my dad has upon himself to support all of us.

i will someday find myself another job during the school holiday if time permits or even work during the school examinations to support the family. to my 18th birthday, i will mum, for once be independent.

if i had to forgo shopping and clubbing and even hanging out with friends just to save up on my allowance, i would. but mum, dont ask me to forgo my sport, rowing. other than my family and friends, rowing is like part of me. i need it other than my job. i know i';ve been spending fewer times with you and my sisters but all these activities have been weighing out my time. if i didnt have to work so hard to support you guys some day, i would have stayed behind, say a few more things i should have to which i might most probably not have the chance later.

im sorry mum, i just cant concentrate on so many things at one go. studies, rowing and work. i think i might be graying sooner than i think. even my body says so. i havnt been feeling myself for the past few weeks ever since i've been dealt with fever, sore throat and flu. i havent recovered and im back to work the next day.

to my 18th birthday, i wish that i could change the world.

2008-04-18T20:32:00.002+08:00

The New House looks Great!

In all my life, i have only did two house moving and never have i been so happy in my life. everyday is about to change. a new house, a new beginning and even a new life for me. things were going to change for me and i knew it.

it could either be the fact that i had school so i hardly helped out in the moving process or merely because i was really happy that for this night, i would be sleeping at another house, in another bedroom and just me and my family.

i could never have imagined a much better house than having just the four of us together in a cosy little place. it's not big but its good enough for all of us. we were all very much happy that the utilities were running good and that the beds were delivered today.

i couldnt concentrate during the last lecture. i was way too happy wondering how the house had looked like. everyone else saw the house at least a few times but not me. i had too many activities on my schedule, mum couldnt even find a decent time to invite me for a house viewing.

although the unpackaging took up a great deal of time and effort, it was fun. for the first time in a long while, it was good hearing my mum ordering us about. we could even laugh while unpacking. this was a funny joke i remembered while packaging with charmaine. she asked me if she should place the detergent (duck logo) together with the other washing detergents . now the funny thing is she didnt know it was a toilet cleaner. i told her to place it in the toilet while the rest goes to the laundry area and she had to ask why. HA HA. you cannot imagine how much i laughed after i told her that it was a toilet cleaner. she searched everywhere on the bottle itself to find anything that relates to toilet cleaner. none. i yelled idiot at her and told her that most duck logos are for the toilets. yeah. it was funny while it lasted.

i cannot imagine how much rubbish i had brought over from singapore. my clothes are taking up a huge portion of the clothes line and to think i still complain that i dont have enough. logic wise, i do have more than enough. style wise, I NEED MORE! my small toys takes up almost half of my bed and the jellybeans, it could easily take up a shelf space.

there wont be any internet at my new house till the week after next. so for the time being, i might have no choice but to do my research in the afternoon to early evening before moving back in. sorry guys, but msn time would have to wait till the week after when i do get the internet up and running. in the mean time hey, its only the afternoon if you can catch me.

i'll blog about soon when i get back to my aunts place some time in the week. thank you so much for praying for me while i was still in this house. i love my new house and i love you guys too .

2008-03-28T20:33:00.002+08:00

like everyone else, you can put all the blame on me.

everyday, it's always something new. and till now, you just dont care who you blame it on and what the blame it. sometimes, i just dont care to even bother to justify myself. who cares about the law and the righteous? who cares about the opressed or the accused? they dont. i cant even care now. if i had to count the number of times i got blamed for something i didnt do, you would have be broken from all the cost of the lawsuits youre filing against me.

i dont know my purpose here on earth. i live my life so that people can find satisfaction in putting the blame on someone. i get by everyday knowing that at some moment, the things you talk about in cantonese are about me. the blames on me. found anyone to take the blame? why not just put it on amanda?

you know what? i just dont care a damm about what you guys talk about. i dont care if you say im the one always when everything and anything goes wrong. i dont care at all if you say im the cause of all your problems. well i have too much of my own problems to even care about yours. so why not just add on to it, until you find the extra time from not blaming it on someone else. and when you do, maybe you know just maybe you'll be able to source out the problem and work on it.

when mum told me it was the hokkiens who were more rude in their speech, i actually believed that until now. you lied mum. at least they tell you right in the face unlike you guys. you know what i hate the most and what i find most rude? backstabbing. if you hate me, I DARE you to say it right in my face. dont tell others about me if you have no guts. if you had none of all in the first place, dont even bother saying all of those about me.

mum. the road im taking wont be the one you carved for me. you told each one of us to follow our dreams. i did and i want to carve out my own road. even if it means drifting from you and my sisters to find a place of my own. i'll make my own way. im ready to run and im not afraid to. be it a friends' place or the streets or the salvation army to look for shelter. i will.

i'll make my own way and you'll be happy if i was right? well mum i'll be happy if i moved out. you say i changed but the more i think of it, this household changed me. the blames i get, mum i used to be a confident person and now all i ever know is how people think of me. i used to be able to speak out without asking for guidance. i used to be able to go out on my own without a map to lead the way. but all this household has ever done was to make me fearful of what life brings.

i trusted you and told you my fears. but all you ever did was to push it aside and blame it on my sensitivity. blame it on my period mum. you can blame it on my character. i cant change mum. there are just some things i cant change to what the lord has made me as. there are just some things i cant share with you for fear that you'll just push it to one side and god knows when you'll actually realise im crying within.

mum. i am just so sick of getting blamed. i really am. you say you understand but yet you dont. you say im just overeactive and theres no need for it. i have to mum. you rather i go bonkers over all these by bottling in? you rather i told you since you hate us keeping things from you. but mum when i do share with you, why do you treat it as though it has no weight. you just dont understand how i feel.

how do you like it when someone or everyone constantly blames you for everything that has happened. and because of you, everything goes out of cycle when you came into the picture. how you you like it mum when youre own gradma complains about you? how would you think i felt when i compared both my grandmas and wonder why i have to stick with the one i hate most. im sry mum. i just dont see in the same light as you do over your family. when you had the intention of slapping me when i said that why didnt you? i rather you drive me out of the house than for me to stay back and be condemmed by those you say you love.

love? i dont feel loved at all in this household. you seem to forget what loving means all about mum. i love you just that i cant seem to be honest with you these days. you say im a problem child and yes i admit i am. i seek for attention and you just cant grant me that since everyone just wants a piece of you.

when i was younger, i had my way since i was the loudest. i demanded for the attention that was missing since when other two sisters had all of it. i demanded and you gave willing. now when i ask for the same amount. you dont. you hold back because other things were just more important than me. when i was younger, i fought for the attention in my voice, the scenario now is so much different. when i ask for it. you shut me up saying i talk too much and when i dont you think theres a problem with me and that i dont share my problems. wlel mum, if you only took some time to ask your daughters how they are dealing with this whole aussie shit. then you'll know why im this resistant on you.

everyday is like living in hell. that extra breath that i take every second, i wish it was for someone fighting for her life on the hospital bed. everyday i hope that person struggling for her last breath would havemine instead. i rather be relieved of all these problems. i have had enough blames. there is so much i can take in my stride. i have broken down more than twice and fell from the heavens above, forsaken by the father. all i need is a little love and yet i get none from the family i have.

i wish this was just all a nightmare.

2008-03-28T19:12:00.005+08:00

i know i havent been blogging for quite some time. im really sorry. university is really turning me into a zombie. every monday its lectures throughout, thursdays and fridays are tutorials and lectures. so what abou tuesday and wednesday? i've been doing my assignments, notes for lectures and tutorial. what about weekends? saturdays are the days im outside searching for a job, with friends or with mum searching for furniture and church. sundays are trainings and rushing my last minute assignments.

i dont even remember having a life since i was 17. you made me slave my life away to books and school when everyone else had friends to accompany them throughout. is it all too much to ask if i delay my studies for a year or so? why cant i study with individuals my age? why cant anyone understand that for this purpose of studying earlier and getting a job before anyone else is all but just a con. a con to get the whole family here and you made me bait first.

no mum. it doesnt work this way. you tell me i ought to forget things of the past. i try to but i cant. you tell me that if i study abroad i'll be ahead of others, but when you tell others why i went to australia earlier, it was just so you could have me scout the area for you. isn't it ironic how you make a picture so pretty by creating my future only to destroy it in telling others i was just a scout for you.

i detest the way you crush my dreams with this whole migration thing. you tell us its for a better future and yet you never ask us how we felt about migrating.dont drag my dad into this. he didnt ask for his children to migrate over, neither did his mum. the idea of having you reunited with everyone else here in perth is making me sick. so youre happy yourself while you make everyone with you detest you?

do you think its really worth it to have everyone hate you for your own selfish thinking? i never questioned you when i was younger and i dont remember having anything against you then. i dont get how one year in perth on my own has made me this way. neither do i understand how it has changed me so much. im really sorry mum. im not the daughter you raised up to be. i dont understand myself and how i've changed for the worse even in a family that others would dream for. those in broken families would dream for my kind of family and yet all i want to do now is to run away from you.

dont ask why. it's just that i feel so pressurized being someone you want me as and not who i am. i fee like you want me as somebody and yet i cant give you that. you ask me not to be so sensitive on things and yet my personality doesnt allow for that. im sorry mum. i just cant be the daughter you see me as.

i hate my life. i hate this place im living in now.

2008-03-08T16:39:00.002+08:00

i went for rowing with Soo, 9am at salter's point. it was just the two of us with two other seniors but it was cosy. we had the whole resevior to ourselves. we met early and took out the tressles to lay the boat on, the rows and the boats. since it was only the both of us, we took to a scull each. training was fun and yet weird. when i thought it was only the four of us on the waters, there was something more...

territoral crabs, fishes that nibble on your feet, jellyfishes( the non-poisonous ones) and dolphins. yes shocking huh. i cant believe that im rowing with the dophins. i didnt see many only a few that skimmed on the waters surface. hard to believe but true enough it was a dolphin.

to one each, we trained for 2 hours. although i wished it was longer but the seniors had their own stuffs and i was already beat from all the rowing to and from shore. i did almost a few laps back and forth while she coached me from the shore.

4 hours from this and last week's training and i still have'nt gotten the hang of the turning directions.left turn- row right, right turn- row left. spot a jellyfish, whack it with your blade- defend yourself! im just kidding, i was tempted when i came across one at my blade tip. my senior had to guide me with instructions on which blade to square and which to stide. haha! pathetic me. i wish it was canoeing. direction turning was so much easier.

oh please. now i wish everyday was rowing training. at least theres no university or bad news from potential employers on my job application. im glad at least rowing is something i look forward to every weekend. i hope like canoeing, i'll get into the school team and participate in races, one in which i forfeited the last- dragonboating when i had to leave.

things will change for the better. my phone got fixed after it got soaked in water from the leak in my bottle. sometimes, i just dont question how it gets itself fixed. i dropped it a couple of times HARD on the floor and woohoo! haha

PRAISE THE LORD.

i so love rowing and the LORD.

2008-03-05T22:15:00.002+08:00

university life is killing me. for once in my life, i feel like i have no goals and i dont know which direction im about to take. the only thing people tell me is that my choice of the major is a good one to last me in the future. a double major? i must be crazy to take one of those. i wish i could do just a single so i wont have to stay back to study another year or so. but for now, i dont even know if i want to take human resource as a major.

i spend my weekends burying my head into books and lecture notes. and every other weekend, its a test or an assignment due. im with my computer and notes almost every min of the day except for the times i bathe, eat or sleep. i gues when had my breaks before i started out, i shouldnt complain too much of free time because now i need one badly.

i sleep less, eat more ( because my appetite increases when i study) and play less ( exercise less). i guess i'll turn out into a workaholic with a fat belly. HAHA

the assignments are due soon and im still on square one. they said dont fret till two weeks before. but i hate the pressure then, so im starting now. but even so, i dont know which direction im taking. im walking/running endlessly without a map. soon enough i'll burnout like a matchstick that has burnt out its last breath of light. my life is like a box of matchsticks and im down to my last one soon if i keep on with this pace.

i feel like pitying myself. crying if it helps. but everyone knows that crying cant help you tide over your life in university. the assignments need completion, the tutorials need working upon and the tutors need to know you understand all that's said in the lectures. 'they' need me and yet i have to run. i dont know if i can keep on running because one day i know victory wont be mine to keep. it's for those who strive hard and survive in the end. in the end, all that matters is i keep in pace and do what i have to do to survive/

i need myself to understand that life is never easy. that fairytale i was hoping to happen wont appear without me completing university. that prince charming waiting on his stead wont love me if i had'nt learnt something beneficial in life.

if this is the road i have to travel, i wont have to worry since everyone else starts off with me. so in all, university life aint so bad is it?

i need a break so badly. when can all of this be over?

2008-03-04T22:35:00.002+08:00

university life is scaring me. the work load, tutorials, lectures and assignments is keeping me on my toes. the datelines are tight and i dont know if i can ever make it on time. university is like a life saver's float on the water. you have to cling tight on it to survive being washed away by the strong currents. all they give you is a float. nothing else. all you can depend on is the float and your survival instinct. my survival instinct is to the bare minimum. i hate my spoon-feeding in secondary school. self independence takes a while to get the hang of it.

i tried out for the rowing club on sunday. i knew my sense of directions was bad without a map but i didnt think it was going to be that bad. i lost my way and took an hour of so asking for directions and walking myself there. by the time i walked there, there was no seats left in the 8 seater boat which had been taken up by others. i got myself the inistructor himself in a one seater boat. 45 minutes to whats remaining of the lesson while the rest were out into the waters. i was still struggling with my oars and steadying of the boat.

canoeing and rowing is miles apart from one another. one paddles front and the other rows backwards. canoeing requires only one paddle in which you switch from sides to move the boat while rowing needs two oars to be seated into the metal lock at the side of the boat. for rowing the oars only need to skip the surface of the water whereas canoeing needs your whole tip of your paddle into the water. differs a lot. i took quite a bit of time adjusting but the coach said it was remarkable for a newbie to row so well on her first try. woohoo!

there was a bbq breaky after all the rowing and washing of the boats and putting them back into the storage. i got a ride back to curtin by a friend and met michelle right after in town for lunch ( pancakes!!) for once, i preferred their pancakes to mummy's ones.

rowing's on saturdays or sundays. the thing is, i cant wait till it!

2008-02-27T22:09:00.002+08:00

university has already started since monday and i still have had to pull up my socks. lectures have already started with tutorials on thursdays plus fridays, and im still treating the breaks of tuesdays and wednesdays as free holidays.

i am seriously not ready for this whole university thing. the going for lectures in huge masses in one cramped theatre, the walking from lecture halls to tutorial rooms across the campus, surfing out the nicest foods to eat on campus. the lecture's tone used in lectures, even the priest at the church i go to doesnt give boring semons. ( although i have slept in a couple or two BUT i was really tired!) and making NEW friends all over again.

today was free university day for me. woke up at 9am to have mum make me waffles for breakfast only to find out it was part of a favour i need to return. wash her cash. charmaine got busy with the stuffing of polyester into the handmade bolster cases mum made back home and sewing them up. i had a choice of either. i took the car. i know nuts about sewing.

the afternoon was boring. other than eating meals which i look forward to a little bit of life, i stayed in the room, working on my marketing notes. when i got tired of homework, it was the book. no point going online when no one is.

im quitting my 'hungry jacks' casual work. i found another at muffin break, selling cookies, muffins and coffee. the pay's higher and its casual work also. besides, i get to work with coffee! soon enough, i'll be able to brew my own for university exams.

in the late afternoon i got a call from michelle, hungry jacks. she informed me that i had shift work on sat and sun of which i had no idea of. so i declined the jobs on that day because i have events on that day which makes it impossible to work those days. she got angry and said if i did i should have told her the week before. hello? i can CHOOSE to accept your work or not. im a frigging casual not at your beck and call, part time. to hell with the uniform and cap. IM QUITTING FOR GOOD.

it was bad enough i got a lecture over the phone and sharon had to rub it in. she scolded me for being stupid enough not to tell the lady i was a casual and that i had no idea i had those jobs in for this week. if i had the guts, i would have talked back at the lady. but i couldnt. cmon, SHE'S MY BOSS FOR HEAVENS SAKE. she nudged a finger hard into my arm. 'why are you soo stupid?' TELL HER LA'! yeah i wish i could. and i wished i hadnt done the same to her arm later on. i was angry already and you had to make it worse. so im quitting already, are you happy now?

sorry, im just pissed off today. if i had to blast the music i would if not for the intervals where mum would scold me when i couldnt hear her.

i just wish for a better tmr.

2008-02-23T19:25:00.002+08:00

im not talking as much as i should. it's not like the first time mum and the rest have told me to keep my mouth shut for a sec or two. literally a 'shut up amanda, it's not important' kind of thing. do i really talk too much? do people hate me so much for talking so much?

what is up these days that even those around me dont have the time to listen to what i have to say. even a small joke doesnt seem to get across to them and they dont laugh. they only find it amusing when im the only one laughing and not them. what's making everyone so hard up these days. you know what? i rather be insane and talk to myself than to you guys.

so what if my character means i tend to talk more? it's not my fault. i say what comes to mind and im not the kind to hold back unless its about my feelings against you. i try to keep quiet about it but my blog just says it all. im fine. dont ask me anymore.

amanda ain't talking much and you think something might be bothering me. so, in the first place why do you say i talk too much? havnt you gotten used to the whole idea of me talking non-stop?

monday, you have monday till i really blow up. a few weeks ago, when we first arrived you promised me and sharon that 2 weeks from 19th jan, you'll give us a place to shelter under. a place we can call our own, without care or worries. mum you lied again. i cant remember how many times you kept assuring us that you'll have everything sorted out before sharon started school, and now, it has to be before i start school. im sorry mum. school's starting next week. i cant help you much with the moving of things. im sorry, till now, i just dont get why you have to delay so much with looking for a house. exploring your possiblities? sorry mum. i cant get what youre trying to get at. all i know is that i've been cheated by you. you kept promising but you never gave.

for all the times you assured us that it'll come soon, that dream house of us. i cant see that same dream as yours. i cant believe in a better future here in perth. studying here in perth is going to get me somewhere with a better degree? why cant singapore do the same? the more i question my being here, the more i feel myself distance away from your love. if its all about your selfish need to migrate here so you can be with your mum or even to retire, i hate you. i know you think for our studies, but mum have you ever considered our feelings to come over here without any qualms? you didnt even asked us for our opinion. even my paternal grandma doesnt feel too good for her grandchildren to migrate over. and doesnt your own mum have had enough people to scold around here? so mum whats your verdict?

when im 18, drinking wont be the first thing i'll do unlike the rest. im legal enough to be my own guardian. so mum, yes, i hate to say this. but like any 18 year old. i want to have my own life. living with you only seems to make things between us uglier. the more i say what i feel, you defend yourself as though you werent wrong in the first place. so am i always the one to take the blame for everything? im moving out. we'll still meet up on the weekends. i promise you. i know i tend to forget my promises but i'll try to remember all these. with this distance, at least we wont argue so much on little things.

it's these little things that seem to pull us apart even more. i dont even know you anymore. you just seem to me like anyone of the lai's im living with now. i guess i cant blame you for having those genes. but i dont seem to get along well with them. i cant say hate. it's just not right to. maybe with this distance, i wont have such a bad gut feeling when i talk with you.

a few more months till my birthday.

im moving out soon after.

im sorry mum. i dont know what else to say but just dont stop me.

2008-02-22T21:49:00.002+08:00

my blogging times seem pretty erratic these days. i couldnt keep track of the number of days i have been here. i'll just stick to the 9 months wait till im home.

school's about to start soon and i doubt i'll be here and now everyday to blog. i give my promise that i'll be online to chat every other day when the work load ain't so bad. they say school's going to be tough, i hope for the best.

i have a job interview at one of the clothes line stores on tuesday and another upcoming soon at mcdonalds, both at carousel. things are finally starting to light up but for now, i have to consider which one of them would be the best for my studies and life.

schools starting next week and i have to adjust to university life plus there's work and charmaine moving in with us in just one room. after her arrival it'll all amount to 9 people in one house. and this time, grandma and aunty irene are going to hate us even more. yeah right, enough with all the bullshit, you tell us not to move out because it's a total waste of time and money in looking for one but instead you harbour negative feelings about us. you vent it out on your children and we get to hear it from the ugly side of things. you think we wanna hear any of it?

no wonder they said children are meant to be seen but not be heard. she doesnt even care what comments i have in mind and when i do say of any, it just goes to the back of her mind. when i dont, you shout at me and ask me what's my problem. yeah, you dont care one bit. all you ever care is about dad's comments and not ours. so who's going to live in that house? us or dad? if you want dad so badly, go back. i say it, go back mum during the june hols. me and charmaine are all of legal age to take care of ourselves and sharon.

you know what i really think of this whole buying, building and renting houses fiasco? it's pure stupid. you tell me you cant stand cold, if so what about winter? are you really going to return to singapore just during tha season and leave us us? other than that, if every6 months dad needs you to do the accounts, you'll return wont you? if so, whats with buying/building a house? you said dad's coming over after he wraps up his business, but then when's that going to be? migration here? i rather just you and dad. dont drag the whole family here just because of a brighter future you see here.

bright future? mum, everything looks so bleak to me now. so what if i have a job or if school;s starting? you took away so much from me. things that even money cant buy. so what if you can buy me an education here in perth, money cant buy me the heart to learn in this new environment. the only reason i worked so hard last year and this coming few years are because of the hard earned money you and dad have put up for our studies. so what if you can buy me a house,money cant buy me a home with love from my parents and sisters. money can buy the household electrical appliances like a toaster but it cant buy me breakfast made my mum. so what if money can get you affiliates? money cant get me back my friends i have lost touch with.
you have taken so much more than what this future can give me back.

im tired. just leave me alone mum. the more you bother about me, the more we quarrel. our relationship already looks so bleak and all this house fiasco is just making it worse.

2008-02-19T20:01:00.002+08:00

Day thirty.

i went for today's seminar to makeup for yesterday's one. if i knew it was all about making new friends and how to do it, i wouldnt have even shown my face in that lecture hall. god, it was embarrassing for me to attend such a talk.

i shouldnt have overslept the other day i was supposed to have my orientation. if so, i wouldnt have to run across the whole university just to get myself to the curtin business school services to ask for clarification on what i've missed out on. other than the whole boring talk and the running from one lecture to the library for one of the guilded tours, i left alone for the first time.

i had no friends who were familiar and everyone else was new. if i had wanted to approach them to ask for an introduction, i guess now wont be such a good time since everyone else would be rushing to and fro for their tours and seminars. so amanda, just for this week, your guardian angel will be your best friend.

now that was until i saw chat, the guy in my previous school of which he's from a brunei descent and who also is a fellow pr here. he followed me on the 'survival @ your library' tours and we exchanged a few words. other than which, we are entirely in different courses so meeting up with him would be once in an opportunity.

went for lunch with michelle and her family at 'taka' again in town. it was great seeing her again although we would be in different universities. but hey, she's just beside me, in canning college's uni direct. so asking her on a lunch date wont be so hard to schedule.

received a call from one of the shops i handed in my resume to, and well you cant expect me to remember every single one of them so yes, i had no idea when the lady called to arrange for me to come in for an interview on tuesday. woohoo. finally a job that involves no wet floors, oil spills or stupid unifroms. the customers are still the same but it's just one factor you cant change.

im happy today.

2008-02-17T20:43:00.002+08:00

Day twenty eight.

started work today at hungry jacks, and of all things i had to be assigned to the morning shift, 5am to 11am. mum didnt feel so safe in the morning so she accompanied me to work. (plus she made me a sandwich for lunch)

i met jena, the manager and she started off showing me the equipment and different areas of the kitchen. i had myself the task of tearing up bags of lettuce and onions and placing them into the pans provided afer labeling the hour of expiry. the second task was the washing and slicing of tomatoes. you should have seen how messy i made my shirt, with all the pulp juice spraying. maybe my arms just ain't used to the motion of repeating actions or maybe it's just been some while since i last worked out. 12 pans of 12 tomatoes on my first round. and another 10 pans on my next.

after my break at 8.40am, i went to the front counter to serve customers only to get myself entangled in the various orders. i tried to help others get their burgers ready but i only got myself more confused with which burgers to choose from. and when i tried to take orders, the computer keys just keeps me knotted up there. weird things like, a whopper stunner deal would be shift caramel sundae. dont ask. i try not to remember as well.

if you're asking me for preference, i would prefer having the job in the kitchen. at least you wont have to face the customers bad attitude when their meals just dont come on time. it's perth. not singapore, everyone does it so slow. i would very much liked the atmosphere back in the kitchen doing the tomatoes, where the only one rushing you would be your manager ( although she's always too busy to mind us) and it's only her pair of eyes looking at you, not ten over looking at you.

besides, slicing tomatoes is my forte. even the manager agrees that for a first day work, i do get everything done within less than 20 mins max. so shouldnt i stick to the back kitchen job? but, i dont wanna be known as the 'tomato slicer' girl or the 'sort everything out within the time' girl. it's just so unclassy.

i got home tired and worn out only having eaten at 3pm after my shift was done. if this continues i'll get gastric sooner or later. went to mcdonalds to get myself a fillet o fish meal where it was no different. i still had eyes on me since i was a hungry jacks staff in a mcdonald outlet. politics. i just dont care.

for all those guelling hours i work for less than a 100 close to. 9 hours from 5am to 2pm earned me 99 dollars. so i guess its all worth it, the hard work and all. but im not too sure i want to continue with my job. it's tough and i dont know if my body can keep up with the work load and weird hours of break.

mum said it was no harm since i only took casual work so as and when they need me, they'll ring me up for working hours. either way, i can choose to decline. with work aside, i guess i'll concentrate now on university and making new friends.

orientation week this week. wish me luck!

2008-02-14T17:01:00.003+08:00

Day twenty five.

the job interview went okay. they were desperate for employees to help manage the workload and i guess i came at the right time. she asked me a series of questions and vice-versa. i wasnt too desperate for the job since i wanted only the work experience before i moved on to something else with a higher pay.

i have another interview on saturday in the afternoon after we drop off dad at the airport. mcdonalds. well, i prefer macs becaus of the free food variety but the location is the tough point i have to consider. i cant expect myself coming home at midnight, knowing that there's no buses or waking up early for my shift with no bus running at that hour.

i have to buy their uniform for 30 with a refund at the end when i drop the job. without say, i also have to take a morning and night shift on a tuesday or a friday. that means starting work at 5am to 11am or 6pm to 12pm latest.

this is my time schedule for the week.

FRIDAY :

training at 11am with hungry jacks till 3pm latest.
bring family out to the city for sight-viewing and to celebrate post- valentines' day.
buy two pairs of loop earings' for job (since studs aren't allowed)
buy a box of apple strudel to bring back for relatives here
take a spin in dad's new car
pray that mum gets a rented house soon

SATURDAY:

fetch dad to the airport and send him off.
before that, ensure guitar key is with him and books to bring back
go for evening mass
sleep early for sunday morning shift
pray that mum gets a rented house soon

SUNDAY:

wake up early and report for work.
pray that mum gets a rented house soon

MONDAY:

school orientation starts.
report for work after that.

thank you lord for the job but yet again, after i get it, i might have different feelings. for the money, yes, think positively for the MONEY.

2008-02-13T16:45:00.002+08:00

Day twenty four.

i guess the emotions im feeling these few days are part of turning 18 this year. i didnt have such strong emotions against my mum till now. she says i have a bad mood all of a sudden and leaves me alone for the rest of the hour till i cool it down. dad came into the room to talk to me. he found it peculiar i had turned a deaf ear to every one of my mum's requests. he didnt think i would get myself into a huff unless i had my period, and that was the same subject i got edgy on.

she had to embrass me in front of my other cousin would just had her first period. so what if she didnt had any of the mood swings i use to have? so what if she doesnt complain much on having it?so what if her period was much more relieving than mine? god, mum. if you like her so much. take her as your own. you didnt have to tell the whole world about my period cramps every once in two months when i get it.

so what if my other sisters dont have such a bad period cramp as me when their time comes? you dont expect me to have the same womb as them. so what if mine hurts more and so what if my cramps are far worse then theirs? spare a thought for me mum, do you think i want it that way also? i didnt ask for the cramps to come, neither did i ask for the change in mood swings.

you sound as though you're much more relieved if i didnt have my periods at all. you cant judge my period moods just like that. my sister's have theirs at a different scenario. charmaine hadnt had hers for a long time. when it comes, it's only like once in 3 months or longer? and sharon, she hadnt had that many times a period as compared to me.

maybe this whole period thing is too much for you to handle when i do have it. my period moods, the troublesome of changing or even the grumbling to you. maybe i should have my periods just the same way as charmaine. or maybe, i shouldnt be blessed with a womb in the first place. maybe i shouldnt have to give birth at all and save myself the hassle. and maybe, i'll be able to save up on all the mood swings, the money for pads or even the number of times i visit the toilet. and just maybe, you'll be happier for once that i didnt complain.

i just dont why you have to constantly degrad me and sharon. im sorry but im the kind who take things too hard. the hardest i have to swallow are the things that my love ones have to say about me. sure you say it, but you dont mean it much and you have no idea how much im dealing with your critics about me. im weak and when i hear you say those things, it cuts deep mum. i cry myself to sleep, wondering why you said that. i try to change myself for you but yet you dont any notice. maybe, i should just distance myself from you. then, i wont have to hear you anymore and you wont have to waste your breath degrading me.

about period mood swings and cramps, i'll be running everyday to train up so you wont have to hear me complain about my cramps. i dont care if my knee hurts. im running and i wont stop, not for you and not for anyone else.

sorry mum, this is the most i can do to solve your judgement about me. i've tried my best.

2008-02-12T20:36:00.000+08:00

Day twenty three.

i can imagine how boring it can get when sharon's at school and my parents are out at the car dealer's getting a car before dad takes the flight back to Singapore. it sucks staying home the whole of today.

i woke up at 9.20am when my parents were about to leave home only to take a long nap at 11am after breakfast. i tell you, all this sleeping is going to turn be into a couch potato some day. haha! i dont wake up early to run and when i do, it gets too hot with aussie's afternoon sun. HAHA. i cant run in the evenings, my grandmere doesnt allow for the fact, perth's not a perfectly safe country.

other than the room and the kitchen. there's not much left to explore in the outside. if i go out, there's no one to accompany me to town. i didnt turn on my computer since no one was going to be online with school in their schedule. yes, and i didnt turn on the telly since there werent ny nice movies on. either it's in chinese or its baby cartoons if not its weird stuff like advertisements. well, you'll be amazed in australia, the number of advertisements outnumber the number of shows available, and the hours of commercials are longer then your average show.

till now, i still suck at books. the last i couldnt last with a 64 paged book and gave up soon after 20 minutes into it. haha. yes, my attention span is that bad and i cant seem to remember what i read just then. talking about short-term memory, i think i have it bad! im trying hard now to start off with the da vinci series and im glad im almost done with the series. woohoo amanda!

in the late afternoon, i went to livingston mall to hand in my resume to hungry jacks for a placement in the job offered there. also, i got to hand up my resume to another cafe.not even half an hour and i found myself home again, bored with nothing to do. i checked my mail and found out that mcdonalds at willetton, southlands is recuiting members and i got an interview with them. saturday, 1.30 be early amanda.

2008-02-11T17:56:00.000+08:00

Cam whores!

alright. my parents were at the car dealer's so we took a seat on a bench at the office. and we got bored.

i still think this pair of shades look the best on me! HAHA i should trade in with sharon. maybe...
the morning my dad woke up after his night arrival, he said i became darker. did i? from aussie sun i guess. so if you want a tann fast, i recommend perth with lots of sunscreen!

we were trying to impersonate posh spice or any rich wannababes. HAHA.

sharon's being emo in this pic. dont you agree she looks a lot like singapore idol contestant, paul two hill if she flips her hair to the side instead of the front.

random again;D

RAWWR! bite me! sharon's like bite me if you dare.

OMG. amanda in long hair? unbelievable huh. ha great. dream on 'cos im not keeping it long. bleah:D nah that's my bag strap that fooled you.

sharon didnt warn me before she took his candid shot. now you see why i dont look good in candid shots AGGH. i look as though i had a bad day.

sharon's waiting for prince charming. emphasize on her shoes, you bet you want it to be stilletto shoes. gosh, you feel jealous that she has such a nice bod and long legs.

2008-02-11T17:41:00.000+08:00

Day twenty two.

now that dad's here, we have to view the houses twice so that he'll be able to have his own opinions. it's not so bad with dad around since he doesnt just walk off with a paper to jot down notes and leave us by the side to explore by our own only to ask for our opinion when we're back home ( and when we have already forgotten how the house looks like). dad does it different. he asks us on the spot and jots in down on his paper.

other than looking at houses, he's looking for a car for mum to drive around when she's has groceries to get. having a car in australia is the most important. well, the getting around part? surviving on just public transport is crazy. now the part i dont get is if we DO BUY a house now, then there's a waiting period till you get your house. if so, during this waiting time we're STILL in this house, where are you going to park the damm car? i just dont get adults.

the weather is getting hotter. the rain spells have went away and there's more sun than ever in this country. scouting for cars in the open sun is crazy and i just cant do without my shades or even the shelter of anything. even the getting out of the car to view houses is unbearable in this hot spell. me? i was stupid enough to wear on a black shirt.

i cant be bothered to look for anymore jobs out there. i've done my best and if no one wants to hire me, i shall wait till weeks later then apply again. no one wants you when you have no working experience. im thinking its that reason why everyone just places my resume aside. i need working experience and i have to start somewhere off. i asked mum about working at a fast food outlet. she FINALLY gave her consent.

the new century. god , i love it. applying online takes out the hassle of going down to the place itself to hand up my resume. alleluia!

2008-02-09T22:08:00.000+08:00

Day twenty.

dad came over last night at three. i couldnt stay up that night because of all the crying i did in the afternoon. sleeping out at the hall is creepy. everything is dark with only the dark shadows of cupboards and high ceilings staring back at you. we slept right out in the main hall where the television set was. and you know how the chinese saying goes 'an uncovered telly will suck out your soul' or whaever shit there is being said about sleeping right in front of the box. i volunteered to sleep in the front most because sharon didnt want. but i wont say im not a little scared becaause i am.

2008-02-08T14:31:00.000+08:00

finding a job is easy but getting one is just so hard.
my first letter since i arrived back here and it didnt bring news of joy. instead, it was an unacceptance offer from one of the stores i applied to. i didnt get the job. it is my deepest regret in opening up that letter with so much to hope for only to be disappointed by the result of it.

mum came in and asked curiously on who was the sender and the contents of the letter. i needed time to read it myself. i needed privacy and yet i got none. i read the first sentence and i needed to support myself on the bed. that's when mum took the letter away from my hands to read it. she knew how i was feeling just then. but all she said was 'there are many more opportunities waiting' she's right. i shouldnt dwell on the lost of the job but yet i needed more comfort from this lost. my second and still counting. i needed someone to say ' hang on amanda' but all i ever got was my mum rubbing it in. she left me in the room to cry myself.

i hate to say this but mum, the only reason why i cant find a job is due to the lack of experience needed for sales in a store. and the only way i can get that experience is if i first start off at a small store. before we reach big things, we all have to start off small. so mum, how can you expect me to go around one more time looking for a job when i have no experience in sales or customer service and all i ever get is the same response, that im rejected. i hate this whole cycle. the more i look for something i want and i dont get it, it just comes back to haunt me that im incapable.

mum. i need to start off small first. even if it means all those fastfood joints that you hate for me to work at, i need to start off with something first. if i do get a job at one. please mum, respect my decision. i know you care for all of those hard mauual work that i have to work behind in the kitchen, i know youre worries. but if i dont get a hang of the hard world. i'll never know and take things for granted. i know this is crazy but i want to have a try of the world.

please mum. all im asking is that you'll let me go. dont watch over me anymore. i need to experience the hard way in life. i dont need your protection anymore.

let me go.

2008-02-08T13:00:00.000+08:00

Day nineteen.

i sldnt have woken up this morning. i knew the day ahead was going to turn out ugly. so much for chinese new year holidays. the way things ended up today should be a clear forecast of the year ended. i guess halfway through university, my ship will sink and i'll have no choice but to go down with it.

and i thought my 17th birthday was bad enough, it seems like my 18th birthday would follow suit as well. univeristy would bring more choices in life, some good choices that i make and others bad. making friends would have to start all over again and the old ones, some i'll forget. i have to start looking for a job and start my pay rolling in to pay for my school books and fees. moving house would take up a lot of self endurance with my parents. having to still put up at my grandmere's place till we get our house and bottling up all the nasty words i'll be dealt with.

the rains of yesterday took it's toil on my head. this morning, i just couldnt wake up. mum yelled for me to get up, and 10 mins later i was still in bed. i didnt have the monday blues or anything, i just couldnt open up my eyes to wake up. my head hurts and it feels as though it's spinning wildly around. mum couldnt stand me in bed. she asked me to walk with her this morning but i only ignored her and went back to sleep. what she said later cause me to cry in my sleep.

she didnt loved me anymore. when sharon came in to put on sun screen, she said it once again. she wouldnt love me anymore just because i didnt wake up to join her for her walk. i feel obligated to walk with her just because my dad asked me to help my mum get back in shape. but mum, just not this morning. my head's killing me. i didnt say it to her although i wished i did before she said she preferred sharon to me. she loved my sister more than me just because i didnt want to follow her just this morning for her walk? i cant understand her decision for loving me less and i doubt i want to question why she said that. all i'll ever know is, she only loved me for what i can do for her not for who i am.

mum came back at nine after her walk alone. she called me up a last time and asked me if i wanted to go to carousel to hand up my resume to one of the departmental stores and at the same time do grocery shopping with them. that was when i made one of the worst decisions at the start of the day. i rushed out of bed to wash up and only ate half an apple and a museli bar before rushing out of the house. things already didnt look too well when i got my first scolding from my uncle. he didnt like the fact that i didnt eat anything and rushed out which i already did, i showed him my wrapper but that was after he said i might faint at the shopping mall. gosh! why is my mum's side of the family so fond of cursing one another? if so, can someone please curse me to die again like what jason used to do when i was there all alone.

for everything else, i handled the trolley or if not the shopping bags. mum kept asking if i could handle it if not she'll take over and for times i wasnt doing anything, she'll ask me to carry them and stop listening to my music. mum, cant you just make a decision and stick to it? i hate having to wonder what you're going to ask for me next. you held me back here in perth just because you needed someone with muscles unlike my two other sisters to help me around the house. it hurts you know, to know that all you ever want from me is for me to help you around the house.

whenever we walk in different aisles, you shout my name or even end up looking out for where i might be simply because you were afraid i'll be lost. when we did walk together, you said i was in your way and when my bag accidentally knocked down something, you scolded me for not watching my bag. and at that point of time, you asked me to help you find a certain priced towel. i wanted to find it for you quick and that's when i didnt look after my bag. is it my fault? maybe i shouldnt have helped you looked in the first place.

i went out of the departmental store and sent you a text message. but halfway when i was out, i called you because i was afraid you'll panick and forget to check your phone when you find that im not nearby. i went to look for more jobs only to return back soon empty handed. you asked me hows finding a job? before i answered you, you got interrupted again by uncle and grandmere. i only got to answer when i started walking off on my own.

you guys had me pushing a large trolley after you only to go back and forth the same directions 4 times before you started moving up ahead. even the lady promoting some food felt sorry for me and asked if i wanted one to try and take a break. when i didnt follow, you called me there only to put down your groceries and move off again leaving me behind. i turned on my music because i was bored since everyone was up ahead. and when you called and i didnt hear you, you scolded me again. mum, i dont know. was i all my fault i had to be scolded for all of that in public? it has no logic.

that shopping trip just wasnt enough to set off my mood. dad called later in the afternoon. he couldnt bring over my guitar because i took the key with me. the case wasnt locked. that wouldnt have happened if mum, you hadnt had to bring your rice cooker and other appliances over. if so, i would have my share of the space to accomodate for my guitar. i had to leave some of my stuff behind because i set aside 17 kg for my baggage and 5 for my guitar. you took those 5 kg away for your appliances. i think i must have forgotten but that very night you said i cldnt take it with me. i took it out to play for the last time. and i must have forgotten to lock it back up when i left it one side. my bad.

maybe today just ain't going right for me. maybe i should have just slept in. maybe, like everyone else says in this household, i should just stick to my own business and ignore others or like what jason says 'go and die'. maybe if i just do all of that, i wldnt have gotten myself in this mess. and maybe just maybe, my mum wldnt have to scold me again.

maybe.

2008-02-07T20:35:00.000+08:00

Day eighteen.

something is just different this year on chinese new year for my mum and us. it's just like any other day that sharon goes to school or when mum goes on the net to search for houses again or when im back on the bed playing neopets to fight my boredom . oh what a bore! not only does'nt australia celebrate this chinese holiday but also my uncle's family doesnt eat the bbq pork that everyone loves or even gather around the table for loy hei. so is this chinese new year merely for collecting the red packets?

i was still stuck in the early morning 'cant get up syndrome' when my alarm clock rang. well the surprising thing about my alarm clock is that it comes back every 5 mins to wake us up again. and it somehow lets itself be known from the shuffling of feet. my mum. yes, the distinct voice of hers calling us to get out of bed and to wash up for school. funny. it's only her voice that seems to wake all hers up. my other ring tones cant seemt do that impressive feat like mum can. the only thing that wakes me up is sharon slapping me up because i slept through the whole song and its somehow bothering her a lot.

we got up for breakfast with the rest of the household. even before we finished eating or before mum prepared her share, grandmere started giving out read packets to her grandson who was emoing on the sofa over something just childish i dont wish to get myself involved in. no oranges, no well wishes for her, he just lazes over the hand cushion and stares at her. at least, she could have sat down! she didnt, she only begged him to dont kick up a fuss on chinese new year's first day. i just dont get how the world is changing just because of young kids like him who just dont seem to show any respect for the elders.

mum didnt like what she saw so she made us do the usual things we did in singapore. i forgot some of my lines. sorry, my chinese seems to be getting rusty. i cant even seem to say 'have a prosperous business' or 'stay pretty forever'. the oranges here were much bigger and harder so holding them one in each hand requires stretching my fingers. after all the well wishes, sharon got off for school and mum called dad back home.

we left the house early at nine to catch the bus for school. the rains were adamant on holding us back with the strong winds and heavy downpour. it was crazy and mum blamed me for not bringing a bigger umbrella to shelter the both of us. how was i to know? summer never had rains and never that long either lasting the whole day or even for that matter a heavy one also. i smsed ansley on our late arrival to her place to sell off my second hand books for 2/3 the price. we went back 295 richer from the emptiness of our pockets.

and when we thought we were already nice enough to charge that rate, the school bulletin board showed different. others were selling off their second hand books for only 10 the minimum and 20 the maximum. okay, now i feel greedy but hey i needed that money for university books!

we went to visit my past teachers in canning college and at the same time to ask of a favour from two of my teachers. i finally found two referees for my job listing to help in supporting my statement. thank the lord! so now that all is solved, i can finally go back to the online registration and submit in my name.

third day and still no calls or smses for an interview. i must be losing my mind. i treat my phone like a baby not to be left alone. i couldnt afford to miss any calls. they could be my future employers and i just dont want to take my chances and miss out on a good opportunity. this is demoralising, not getting a job out of all the effort i've put in.

we skipped lunch since we had brunch at canning college, fries with gravy and hot chocolate for two of us. came home only just about after two to take a hot bath and soak in the hot water after getting the shivers the whole day from the cold winds. we only ate our lunch at three when sharon was home.

things have changed ever since sharon's went to school,

she's no longer in bed with me till 10am when we wake up together.
hairband fights are gone
dinner times are with the rest of the family
there's no more fruits time at the basin
she has to sleep early for school so i stay up alone
there's no one to look over my shoulder to watch my comp
no one to wash the dishes after me
i only make one milo now for myself when i get up

im going crazy with all these changes! they said you sldnt stay in your shell for too long, go out and explore the world outside. changes are something we take in our stride and get on with life adapting to them. i wish i could on this load of changes. soon enough, it's university for me, getting used to new friends, there's work and moving house with the family, our family is still separated with dad back home, getting a driving liscence and growing up into an adult.

i wish i could be peter pan, the boy who never grows up.

2008-02-06T19:46:00.000+08:00

Day seventeen.

it's another day closer to getting my webcam from dad and im praying hard that he'll bring over my guitar as well.for now, mum's getting jittery in a good kind of way when we mention that dad's coming over soon. it has only been two weeks and it's killing her already without dad by her side.

this year's chinese new year seems different. reunion dinner used to be just the 5 of us. and i was hoping that this year, with grandmere staying over at our place, it'll be with her as well. all six of us squeezed at one tiny table for a meal cooked by grandmere. but now, its the eight of us. and of course, not forgetting her best dishes. gosh, i miss her sze chuan vegetables and mui choy. for this, i hate to share. whenever she does cook this, we get mini fights at the table on who gets the last scoop. i miss those fights.

instead of the proper day to have the dinner together as a family, we had it a day before because aunty irene had to work the day after. and well dinner wasnt something i looked forward to. reunion dinners at home with my family used to have crabs and all kinds of seafood. and now, when there's a plate of prawns in front of me. i cant eat. i dont want my rashes to start acting up again. either that, if not jason would just snatch any remaining prawns left there.

sometimes, even i dont get that guy. he wants everything his way and expects everyone to submit to him. well i wont. so what if he'll kick me of shout fuck at me. yes, i just said it. well, im sick and tired of him shouting abuses at all of us. everything he says has the word fuck in it. i wished i didnt pick it up from him. fuck! what's wrong with that guy? either he blows up and his bad mood just seems to affect everyone else at the table or he starts crying so he'll have his way. i cant believe anyone would snoop so low just to have his way. even if it means getting down to the last prawn. you can see his glare at the last remaining prawn left. even sharon got scared and asked me if she could take it. i told her to go ahead for it and then the war started out.

reunion was bad. i didnt expect glum faces or shouting across the table. and yet, i got all of that on this chinese new year. i guess this year wont be as smooth as i wanted. i thought those times were over when i was 17. and now, things havent started to change yet. my ill-fate. maybe i wasnt meant to have a happy ending?

waiting is hard. two days and all i got was a sms from coles ( a grocery departmental store) saying that they were recuiting staff around the area. the stupid irony is that i've already handed part of my application and yet i still couldnt get my referees as yet.

getting a job could help to relieve so much troubles and yet, there'll be more to come with it in hand. house viewing with mum ? NO MORE. staying at home all day lazing around NONE OF THAT. playing with my computer 24/7 and not getting anything out of it. for all i know, it wont be my favourite hobby already.

i guess getting job would take too much of my time so i wont have any spare for anyone else. i wont have to trouble myself with all the worrying over whether or not i'll go over the limit for the internet since i play too much onlinge games. i wont have to worry if mum's going to drag me out someday for house viewing at one. i wont have to worry about tidying myself up at home since no one would care about my attire when im out.

best of all, I WONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING FAT. so mr jason lai, if you think im fat, yes i know, BUT AT LEAST IM DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. ARE YOU?

for all i know, you just sit on that bum of yours all day eating and making people do the shit work for you like pouring more water or getting you more rice on your dinner plate. no wonder you're getting fat, simple tasks and you dont move a muscle. for you, the strongest part of your body is your mouth since all you ever do is to order people around. and yes, not only is selina and me sick and tired of you, i bet charmaine does but doesnt dare to say it and sharon will in time to come.

sorry. i wasnt meant to curse. just that this chinese new year is just so fucked up because of you ruining the mood. i am still trying to adjust with spending this new year with new people i've not known since last year. my birthday last year was a complete ruin because you demanded to be served the biggest slice. now you know why you keep getting fatter?

let's just hope you dont get so full of yourself tomorrow alright? i dont wish to get nasty on chinese new year's day.

2008-02-04T21:05:00.000+08:00

Day fiftheen.

i didnt know that job hunting was harder than i thought. no one told me that. not even my mum. i was the least expected for what turned out to be a half day at the carosel shopping mall, scouting for available jobs. the only thing that i prepared was my resume. all 15 of them.

i only told myself to try to give out as many as possible. what i didnt know was that at the end of the day, i was left with only 4 with an extra one in my file.

the morning was fine. that was before the scurrying of jobs in the afternoon. sharon got up early for school. i stayed in bed and slept till the hour when they left. later, mum went to fetch her to school on her first day. it was weird seeing my little sister all dressed in a uniform that i've not worn before. well, since primary school, we've always worn the same set of uniform, some i've passed down to her and others she bought herself. in primary school, all three of us were together that was before my elder sister graduated to secondary school. secondary schoool and me and sharon were still together in the same set of uniform that we worn since primary. well, its not exactly the same ones since the belts were much looser and the length longer to wrap nicey around our waists. but still, 10 years in a convent and the uniform hasnt changed. now, she's donned in a uniform that is totally unfamiliar with me. HA HA . its all striped green and blue for the collar top and blue navy shorts. somehow, i still think the IJ unifrom still looks the best.

it was monday and we had to get groceries for the week. grandma took us to coles to get the groceries while aunty irene had something else to attend to. we met later on at woolworths while they got somthing else, making me wait like a fool outside on the bench. i never imagined that i would be lying on the bench making funny faces while listening to my music and at the same time guaring a trolley full of paid goods. i think i looked like a complete idiot. and a pretty one at that.

the afternoon was tiring and lonely. mum left me alone on my job search. i told her to get back to rest and look for houses instead of accompanying me. it was hard to say, i wanted her so much with me to accompany me on my lookout but yet i wanted her to rest more at home. she wished me good luck and left me on my journey.

i started with the big departmental stores only to be dismissed with a word of going over the internet to fill up the application form instead. i tried all of the websites' employment opportunities and yet all of them have been taken or either the place is just too far away. most of them dont have vacancies at the moment to employ an extra staff. i did up the application only to be stucked at step 8 of 10. referees.

i need referees. two of them. well yes, i'll explain to you. a referee is someone who can nominate you for the job. in a way, they can support you in your application. but the trick is, they cant be your family member or relatives. it sucks huh. in a foreign country with no one except for your relatives. i have no adult friends only my teachers in canning college.

it feels weird to go back to school. im not really the kind to return and visit them only once in a while like on special occasions such as teachers' day or valentine's day ( especially in a girls' school) i dont have any reason to go back and visit them this time unless to thank them for the results i've had through my nationals. many would say they'll love my results but i wished for more. other than that, im happy enough my efforts paid off.

job hunting was energy draining. i wouldnt say that it was bigger than singapore's vivo city but yet it was still big and walking the entire span of it is nuts and i was stupid enough to do it. at the end of the day, my water bottle was left with nothing not even a droplet of water. my knees hurt from all the walking and my skin looks tanner under the hot sun. but for all of that and i managed to hand out 9 resumes to store managers and even talked to some of them, im happy and willing to take it.

some queer incidences. a store manager couldnt employ me because her store caters to older women in bigger sizes and sales assistants had to wear their clothes. looking at my peeuny size, well she couldnt employ me unless i gain like more than just a little weight on my body. a size 14 and above. currenty, im wearing a size 8, the smallest for adults and if i had to go till a 14, wow, that's almost like a a dozen kilos on my size. i gave it a miss.

i met a fellow student studying at curtin. commerce classes for the start of the first year semester one. she applied me for the job and well i hope to hear good news from her.

other places i've handed in my resume were ICECREAM shops, clothesline stores and the big departmental stores. im sure you know why its icecream and why its in caps. imagine this, free time off and i get icecream every now and then. free suagr rush whenever i want it! besides another plus point, THERE'S THIS HOT GUY WORKING THERE!

if only hard work could reward you with bountiful opportunities, then im willing to work hard to get a job. if missing out on lunch so that i had more time to look throughly through the shops, i'll give my tummy a miss. ( but i didnt, i took takeaway jap food) so with my tummy satisfied with food, i took one more look around carosel. i've explored every corner since three hours ago. and now, it was time that i went home to my mum.

2008-02-03T08:57:00.000+08:00

3rd feburary 2008
Day fourteen.

another week has passed and the days are just getting more glum as we go.

since the strart of 19th jan when we started looking for a rented place to reside in before we start school, we still have had no such luck. dad's being fussy over the prosperity of the house and location again. sometimes, even i dont get how my mum can stand him adn his stubborness. she visits the rental website everyday for at least three times in scout for new properities only to take the readings on the compass and reject the idea. it's demoralising to look for a place to stay when both of your parents are so hard up on the idea that chinese sayings can take you a long way.

sharon's starting school the very next day. soon after, they wont be anyone else to look for houses except me and you know how badly i resent house viewing and huntings. it sucks and it just seeps out my life away. i cant believe im even wasting my two weeks lazing around only to get changed for a house viewing. i cant be that one following my mum around.

monday, i'll be out to canning college once again to sell my second hand books to a friend. and once after that is done, i might try looking for a job in one of the shops in carosel shopping centre. my faith in looking for a job is as thin as a line. i cant wish for much but i only wish i can start work soon.

2008-02-01T20:57:00.000+08:00

1st feburary 2008.
Day thirteen.

what a great way to celebrate the new month of feburary. we woke up late into the morning and mum even gave up calling us pigs to wake up. and when i thought things were getting for the better,it turned out worst.

the call that was promised to come by the end of the week came. and it was ugly. no wonder they said no news is good news. i wished i hadnt heard it coming from her mouth but i guess rejection over the phone is twice as better than personal rejection. she didnt want me. she didnt want casual or part time. all she wanted was full time and i didnt fit into that category. i was rejected. my first try out at a job, and it just didnt turn out right.

everyone's been telling me to move on since this just ain't the last job you'll ever see. you're bound to move on to better and brighter opportunities in life. i know. but now when everything's started to look glum on me, i just cant seem to harbor that thought. it'll be a wish come true if it happened now.

i shouldnt be too surprised by the sudden rejection. no one wants to hire someone who has no working experience or who just doesnt seem to have people skills ( since i cant seem to catch onto their lingo as yet ) or who is chinese. im not too sure about the differences here but i know it happens to some. i cant say i was the target here but it just seems nudging back at me that it could be a reason.

im glad for the people who loved me and supported me through my first trial. though it didnt turn out quite right. im willing to take my chances on something better.

for my mum, thank you for helping me out on my resume. and thank you for approaching with you to the staff to enquire more on job listings. i needed that extra support and you gave me. like a bird not ready to fly, you taught me how to.

for my boyfriend, who has been there to tell me it's alright even if i dont get a job or who's been worrying so much over the working times im scheduled to, you dont have to worry now since im jobless. at least it takes out the worry lines on your forehead. not till i get myself hurt, then can you start worrying again.

for justin, your jokes were amusing. i had a great time sharing out with you. thanks for being there when i needed you ( right after the phonecall) you turned darkness into lightt with your jokes. HA when i think of it, amusing. now who wouldnt want to hire my best friend? you're right! i didnt lose out on a great opportunity, they lost out on a great leader and staff. i didnt lose. it's only the beginning of a great adventure that im going to take. HA for all the laughter you brought into my life. thanks!

ps: dont even dare call me princess.

i asked mum. she said if i didnt have to come home late. i could broaden out my search to carosel area where the shopping centres are bigger. hell if i dont get a job there, i'll stick to being a kitchen hand at kfc or chicken treat. HAHA. i promised mum i'll treat her to jap food with dad when he comes and i intend to stick to it, i want to be interpendent on earning my keep and keeping to my promises.

it's about time im serious about what i want in life.

2008-01-31T09:36:00.000+08:00

31st december 2008
Day twelve.

another day has passed and still i havn't gotten her phone call. i hate to say this but friday is already the end of the week unless you consider weekends as part of it. she promised me end of this week and still she hasn't brought me good new.

they say no news is good news. but for this, no news is bad news. seriously bad.

i hate to spend yet another day doing the same old routine of waking up, taking my meals, blogging or playing online games and sleeping by midnight.

im so bored. i even have to result in playing a game which i last played since 11. neopets. yes that stupid kids game. im even playing it and im a pro- supporter of that.

everyone start playing neopets!
be my neofriend and play against me in games.

maybe even the next time i'll venture into dragonfable and be my own knight. sheesh. what's with this! cant anybody just pass me some work to do instead of just waiting for term to start?

viewing houses is like a 'if it pops out kind' of thing. everyday, all we ever do is to wait for mum's calling to view a house and we set off. sometimes we dont even bother to change out into something nice since it's just one house. that was before you lied about the number of houses. you know, it kills the anticipation of wanting to return home after one house when instead you have a few others.

alright i wont talk about the viewing of houses again. i clearly said my concerns out in the last. i shall'nt. stop me if i do. i cant help it if its the only other thing i actually do besides neopets. you cant expect me to talk about neopets do you? i wont turn out sounding like im even 17.

i need a job desperately if it means it'll help me get out of this boredom of neopets and viewing houses. even sharon is bored to death. she has even taken on the role of talking to her stuffed toys. poor her.

2008-01-30T16:07:00.000+08:00

30th january 2008.
Day eleventh.

happy birthday li zhen! im not such a great person when it comes to remembering the birthdays of people. i try to. but when it's just amanda, you cant help it but to forget.my apologises for my late greeting. if you have yet to remind me the day before to wish you a very happy birthday, let's just hope i dont forget the night after.

although it wasnt friday the thirteen, i felt like shit the whole entire of today. morning wasnt so bad. although things took its own course and i went through a twist of unexpected turns though i kinda suspected it the night before when my mum told dad she'll speak to us.

no it's not a break up. my parents would never break apart if they do, hell know what i'll do.

i still dont get how the outbreak of news could disturb my morning bliss. i got the last bowl of fruit loops and left my sister little from the packet that she had to open another box of cocoa pops. i managed to get away when it was time to do the dishes though i ended up wiping them thereafter.

that's when it happened.

mum came into the room and told us to get ready for a one oclock appointment for viewing a house. who knew, one could turn into at least four of them. that's what i hate about it. to heck with the promises mum. you said just one and that we'll be home early. you lied.
the news leaked out. mum and dad aren't keen over the house we were all looking forward to. we once had a list all drawn up listing the houses for rent. it was over a 15 and down we're down to nothing after the judgement was passed on that house as having bad fengshui.
so there's some differences when it comes to buying a house between a caucasian family and a chinese ones. the thing is the time. we take more precaution in buying one. sometimes even i dont get why we take such a stupid long time to decide whether the flow is good, the money will flow in or what family prosperity shit.and i dont get sometimes.hows fengshui can control what we want in life.
people usually say the consequences are a result of your actions. if you play truant in school, you get detention from the teacher. if you shoplift, you get the jail term. if you talk back at your parents, you get the tight slap. if so, then does a bad feng shui lead to family problems or even a fall out? you cant judge family problems on your case of fengshui if so everything that happens wrong you blame it on someone else or something.
when it comes to viewing houses, others look at the location, the interior design, the facilities and amenities ( schools and shopping malls) or the amount of gardening work yet to be done. when my parents do it, the first thing they do is to take readings from a compass. they rather trust the judgement of a stupid dial than my own comments. our comments to them always appear to be shallow and narrowminded while they say they think for the best of the family. to them, amanda has no constructive comments. everything that she sees that is nice, she likes it. so that doesnt narrow anything. now that they have done it their way, look at the entire mess, or more like the void emptiness of the paper.

you see. when you're not yet the age to be considered by the adults. they dont hear your no nothings. you're considered to be shallow, on the surface thinking kind of person. so whatever comments you give, it doesnt seem to hit twice at the ear drums. they listen, nod their head to show you their listening but they dont think twice.

why worry when you put yourself in the lord's hands? if so, what's this whole thing about fengshui? the four leaf clover or what lucky charm. you actually believe them? i dont. i want to. but believing is like living in a fantasy. but life ain't always lucky to you. you'll always get the ups and downs of life and you cant always blame it on who or what comes first.

i just feel shit the whole day thinking and worrying about what the adults would worry about. fengshui. the more i think and try to make sense of it. the more i get myself confused. im not saying believing in such things are stupid. but then if it doesnt do the trick would you go for witchcraft or other underneath crafts in finding your dream home?

i dont know. it seems to me that you have valued your house to other things at the moment. in searching for the right home, you ignore others. you feel im distant now? but the more i think about it. the more you distant yourself from us. the whole day, you're searching for houses only to find a whole load you have rejected earlier being leased out to others instead of us. i dont want to lose another deal. it sucks to lose.

i need to get myself a job soon. i need to pry myself away from your house hunting. it's demoralising to enter into a well furnished home, one you love from the first moment only to find out that the coordinates of your compass say another thing. fuck the stupid dial.with a job, at least i wont have to think about houses for the moment let alone the stupid compass reading.

for now, find a job,earn my keep and forget about everything else.
i wish life was that easy.